Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

365 Days-Learning from Yesterday to move forward into Today

It has been a year since I left Orlando for Boston, made a u-turn after 3 weeks and headed back to Orlando, spent 4 months with my family helping Maria, struggled to understand what the heck God was doing, worked at unscrambling my thoughts and tried to help God with figuring out the who, what, when, where and why of my life.

As I reflected on the past year this thought came to my mind,

"Learn from yesterday in order to move forward into today.....and don't worry about tomorrow, God is already there!"

I have found that to be so true in my life, especially lately. There have been both good and bad things that have come into my life over these past 365 days. I have found myself in an awkward place right now.....with God and life in general. I'm not sure if it's a "wilderness" experience or not. It's just different. I haven't been here before and I find myself stumbling like a baby learning to walk.

Stumble (Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary)
intransitive verb
1 a: to fall into sin or waywardness b: to make an error : blunder c: to come to an obstacle to belief
2: to trip in walking or running
3 a: to walk unsteadily or clumsily b: to speak or act in a hesitant or faltering manner
4 a: to come unexpectedly or by chance b: to fall or move carelessly

Wow, I am amazed at the 1st definition of stumble! To be totally honest I have found myself 'falling into sin and waywardness' this year. For some reason I am always quick to forget that I am not the 'only one' in this struggle with sin. I am continually reminded of my weaknesses, shortcomings and dependency on Christ alone. I know that Jesus is my foundation and when I stand on The Rock I will truly stand firm in Him and not fall. I am greatly humbled as I think upon His never ending steadfast mercy and grace. Tonight the love and sacrifice of the Savior is freshly renewed in my heart, mind and soul. And the words to an old hymn fall off my lips along with tears of repentance, gratitude.....and a humble heart.

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

Come Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of God's unchanging love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Hither by Thy help I'm come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let that grace now like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Finding My Roots...

SH'MA
Deuteronomy 6:4-9

SH’MA YISRAEL, ADONAI ELOHENU, ADONAI ECHAD!
BARUCH SHEM, K'VOD MALCHUTO L'OLAM VA-ED!

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is One!
Praised be His Name, whose kingdom is forever and forever!

4 Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. 5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

I love the Name and Power of GOD! I learn a bit more Hebrew every time I go to my congregation, Sha'ar Hashamayim (The Gate of Heaven) http://www.shaarhashamayim.org/ and I get so excited when a Hebrew song or prayer randomly pops into my head! For most of today the Sh'ma (above) has been in mind and on my lips. I am freshly blown away and in awe of how God is I AM. He is all, in all and above all things. I shake my head in wonder when I try to comprehend all that God is.

1 Corinthians 2:6-16 (NIV)

Wisdom From the Spirit

6We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. 7No, we speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. 8None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. 9However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"— 10but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. 11For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. 12We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. 13This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words. 14The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. 15The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgment: 16"For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?" But we have the mind of Christ.

There comes a time in a person's life when they do some searching. They may wonder where they come from, what their lineage is, who their ancestors are. In my congregation, I am in a great 'eye, mind, soul and heart opening' place of finding out where the Christian roots come from. These are great truths and help me to understand the Word of God so much better. Everything has finally clicked on in my brain and come to life and I wonder why the heck wasn't any of this ever taught to me before in 'the church'? I am starting a book called, "Our Father Abraham, Jewish Roots of the Christian Faith" by Marvin R. Wilson (http://www.amazon.com/Our-Father-Abraham-Jewish-Christian/dp/0802804233) which I'm sure will be eye-opening.

I'm really encouraged as I continue on my journey with God and as in Ephesians 1:17-19 I pray this for myself and for you:

17I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. 18I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 19and his incomparably great power for us who believe.

Somewhere in-between Fear and Faith

I am scared. My sister is not well. Just last month she was doing great.....tumors had shrunk so much that one of them barely picked up on the MRI. It was a miracle! Now they say they have found something "new". Now she can barely eat or stay awake throughout the day. Mom is on a much needed overnight retreat with her sister so I came to stay at my parent's for the weekend to be with Maria & Evan. As soon as I walked through the door and saw and heard my sister fear flooded me. Right away I saw how much thinner she's gotten just from the last time I saw her 2 weeks ago. Then witnessing her mind not being sound did me in. As soon as the fear hits I have to pray.

"OK LORD, the fear is back again, please take it away. I know that you told me that Maria is healed. I know that you gave me Psalm 118 for her and in that it says 'I will not die but I will live to tell what the Lord has done!' I know that you spoke the words 'Dissolve and Destroy' to my mother and she believed you were speaking to the cancer. So what the heck is going on? This doesn't make sense. Help me to trust you!"

Then I wrestle with some pretty morbid thoughts and I have to fight them off as if flailing my arms around to ward of a swarm of bees. Speaking of bees, Psalm 118:10-14 says...

10 Though hostile nations surrounded me, I destroyed them all with the authority of the Lord. 11 Yes, they surrounded and attacked me, but I destroyed them all with the authority of the Lord. 12 They swarmed around me like bees; they blazed against me like a crackling fire. But I destroyed them all with the authority of the Lord. 13 My enemies did their best to kill me, but the Lord rescued me. 14 The Lord is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.

When I'm afraid and my faith starts to weaken, God repeatedly calls out and says "DO NOT FEAR FOR I AM WITH YOU!"

Psalm 27
Of David.

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. 3 Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. 4 One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. 5 For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. 6 Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD. 7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD; be merciful to me and answer me. 8 My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek. 9 Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior. 10 Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me. 11 Teach me your way, O LORD; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors. 12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence. 13 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. 14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Evan & Isabella-This is why I love them!!!

I'm Alive...

Hello World, it's been a while. There's a lot that I want to share but it'll come a little later. I will say that I have found myself lately in a place that is undesirably familiar.....

The Wilderness..........

I foolishly took my eyes off of my Redeemer and cast my gaze upon another.

Hosea 2 (NIV)

1 "Say of your brothers, 'My people,' and of your sisters, 'My loved one.'

Israel Punished and Restored

2 "Rebuke your mother, rebuke her, for she is not my wife, and I am not her husband. Let her remove the adulterous look from her face and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts.

3 Otherwise I will strip her naked and make her as bare as on the day she was born; I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst.
4 I will not show my love to her children, because they are the children of adultery.
5 Their mother has been unfaithful and has conceived them in disgrace. She said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.'
6 Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

7 She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.'
8 She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold—which they used for Baal.
9 "Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens, and my new wine when it is ready. I will take back my wool and my linen, intended to cover her nakedness.
10 So now I will expose her lewdness before the eyes of her lovers; no one will take her out of my hands.
11 I will stop all her celebrations: her yearly festivals, her New Moons, her Sabbath days—all her appointed feasts.
12 I will ruin her vines and her fig trees, which she said were her pay from her lovers; I will make them a thicket, and wild animals will devour them.
13 I will punish her for the days she burned incense to the Baals; she decked herself with rings and jewelry, and went after her lovers, but me she forgot," declares the LORD.

14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.

15 There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.

There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

16 "In that day," declares the LORD, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.'

17 I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked.

18 In that day I will make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field and the birds of the air and the creatures that move along the ground. Bow and sword and battle I will abolish from the land, so that all may lie down in safety.

19 I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.

20 I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD.

21 "In that day I will respond," declares the LORD—"I will respond to the skies, and they will respond to the earth;
22 and the earth will respond to the grain, the new wine and oil, and they will respond to Jezreel.

23 I will plant her for myself in the land; I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one.' I will say to those called 'Not my people,' 'You are my people'; and they will say, 'You are my God.' "

Thank you LORD for keeping your vows.......for always being faithful even when at times I wander away from you and get tangled up in the thorns and thistles of this world. Thank you for pulling the prickers out of my flesh and for washing my wounds with your healing balm.

Thank you for bearing what I could not.....

The Cross

Orlando "Drive By" Visit

The last weekend of March I flew down to my "other home" of Orlando, FL to help dad load up my parents big ole moving truck and then make the long journey with him to my parents new home in Brookfield, MA. I was only in town for a couple of days but I made the most of it to spend some good quality time with my sisters, nieces, friends and ex-coworkers.

I arrived in warm Orlando on Thursday evening and was picked up by my best bud Tara. I was so happy to see her and we easily jumped right back into being our 2 year old selves. :-) Then my first stop was spending the night at my sister Laura's house. It was so awesome to see Laura, John, Kayla, Isabella, Sondra and best of all my new niece Mia Jolie who was born on January 19th! She is the sweetest little baby ever! I got to have a sleepover in Isabella's room and snuggle with her in her castle bed-she sure is a princess alright. :-) She gave me lots of love which I have missed so much.

On Friday I brought a pizza lunch to my 2nd family at GCM and had a great time of fellowship with my old co-workers. It was good to catch up on each others lives, joke around and laugh. I have missed that closeness in the workplace. It was such a blessing to spend time with them again. Friday evening I got together with some of my closest friends for dinner at Thai Basil. Great company and great food....Mmmm Mmmm! :-)

Saturday was the big loading day. Thank God for all of the amazing helpers we had- friends, family, folks from GCM and h2o. We truly couldn't have done it without them-THANK YOU!!!!!!! It felt weird saying goodbye to my parents house in Orlando. We had so many good times there. One thing that I love about my parents is that their home was always open to people. My mom actually often had get togethers and pool parties 'just because'-there didn't even really have to be a special occasion. We all loved being with each other and having a good time. :-)

Saturday night was really special. Laura and Sondra both just had their birthdays in March so we all went out to dinner at Longhorn's to celebrate and spend time together. It was a big gathering-Me, dad, Laura, John, Kayla, Isabella, Sondra, Kreg, Mercedes, Mia, Tara, Rosie, Cathryn and Kevin.
Sunday morning came too quickly and along with it a bit of sadness. I wish I had more time to spend in Orlando-especially with my sisters. I miss them a lot. I am excited about the possibility of my nieces Mercedes and Kayla coming to Boston for a week this summer to stay with me. I can't wait!!! I'm sure I'll make frequent visits to Orlando-maybe my next one will be in the Fall.

All in all my time was literally short and sweet but reallyyyyyyyyy good! :-)

Thawing Hearts & God's Goodness

So much has been going on....good stuff though. Work, church, family and home life have been great. My only real complaint I would say has been that I keep getting sick. The weather really fluctuates here. When I first arrived in late December 2006 it was between 40-50 degrees which was awesome and I only needed to wear a light jacket or sweater. Then the weather went down to the low 20's-mid 30's on average and even plummeted to 3 degrees one day. Last weekend it was beautiful and strangely warm-58 degrees!!!! Now it's back in the teens and once again I am sick. I hope I get used to the weather soon-my body needs a break!

God has used the cold weather to speak something so deep to me that pierced my heart. He said, "Like the ice that's frozen all around you, I will thaw the hearts of these people." I pray that He does! I am clinging to that wonderful promise. I have been reading so much of the Word and it continues to be explosive and enlightening in a way that I never experienced before moving back to MA. The Gospel has been afresh in my heart and I feel that God is building up my knowledge of the Word and confidence in speaking it out in a huge way!!! It has been really exciting. One day I was just so taken back and amazed at how far I have come since I came to know the Lord......how far removed from my old life I am......how I don't even really know how to live the way I used to anymore.......how it would feel like I was pretending if I even tried to live an ungodly life. I mean don't get me wrong, I am still a sinner, but I don't want to deliberately sin anymore. God has been teaching me a whole lot more about sin and obedience. Not obeying just because in the end it's good for me, which it is, but because I whole-heartedly love my Heavenly Father and want to live according to His ways. I truly want to be holy because God is holy and I am His child.
1 Peter 1:15-16 And I want to share in His holiness. Hebrews 12

God has also shown me some things that are of new interest to me....things that I never really gave much or any thought to before. For instance, there is a high school right down the street from my house that I walk by everyday on my way to the subway station. I see teenagers out there all the time and there is also a G.O.A.L.S. program center directly across the street from the school. I suddenly felt a bit of a burden for high schoolers that I didn't have before. About five years ago I used to volunteer with my old church's youth group. The main things that I did was make lunches for the group and pray for them. I didn't really have one on one bonding time with any of them....well maybe with the exception of one student. For some strange reason I had felt really intimidated by youth and didn't know how to possibly relate to them. So often, whenever I was around youth I felt just like I did when I was a teenager-a bit of a loner at times and very shy. So, I don't know if God wants to do something with this or not. I'm open to it though.

It's no secret that I have a heart for the nations to be reached and since being here in Boston it has increased big time!!! Boston and surrounding cities are so international. The neighborhood where I live in North Quincy is very Asian. When I ride the subway I love looking around at all the people....such a variety. Today I was struck with how God created us all so different and unique. I can't even count how many nations were represented from just my subway rides! I get so excited hearing people speak in different languages and it gives me a glimpse of what it will be like in heaven one day-when all nations will come and worship before God. Revelation 15:3-4

God has been doing some awesome things in the lives of my family members. We have really been experiencing His goodness.....to the point of overflowing! Maria's brain shunt surgery went great! She was released from the hospital the very next afternoon! She wasn't in any pain either. Mom & I saw an immediate difference in how she looked (so much color back in her face) and walked. She is such a trooper. She also finally received social security for her & Evan. What a burden the Lord has lifted! God is amazing! Please continue to pray for her. She starts a new chemo treatment tomorrow.

A really cool thing happened a couple weeks ago when my cousins & I went to my mom's for the weekend. Maria had been telling me that she's been craving some good Praise & Worship, so we brought it right to her. Mike plays the guitar and he, myself and Melissa all sing well-so we led a time of worship and prayer for Maria. It was me, Mike, Melissa, Maria, Evan, Mom and my cousins Cindy and her daughter Gwen.

I was very encouraged that Gwen came. She has been very closed off to God and now there is definitely evidence of change. She has started attending a weekly bible study that my cousin Jamie leads and she stayed for the whole worship & prayer time for Maria-and even sang along a bit! She said that she really enjoys the bible studies and the way that our cousin Jamie breaks down the Word in a way that she can understand. Please pray for Gwen-that she would be one who receives the seed that fell on good soil, hears the word and understands it and produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Matthew 13:23 I was also touched in a very special way as I watched my 3 yr old nephew move to the music during worship. After we finished praying he looked up and said, "I like those stories." Mom & Maria told me that he loves to pray and go to church with our cousin Laureen (Jamie's mother). Little Evan is so precious! What a warrior for God I pray he will become one day.

I've also been thinking lately about my future husband. I currently am not involved in a relationship nor are there any prospects on the horizon. I've been reading up more on the scriptures that address marriage and singleness and have been challenged in a new way. One thing that really struck me was where it says, "I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. 1 Corinthians 7:32-35

My heart really wants to do whatever will help me serve the Lord the best, with as few distractions as possible. So, am I saying that I think I have been called to singleness? I don't think I'm saying that. I am saying that I have sought the Lord and prayed about that more. However, I do believe with all of my heart that the Lord told me that I am going to be married. I believe He's also given me bold promises for me, my husband and our future children. But, I am not married, I am 28 which in this day and age in society (and to some of my family) is like 50-so my time is quickly running out right?! Well, I honestly don't think it is. I am content right where God has me in my life right now. I am confident that I am where He wants me to be. I know what the Lord spoke to me in our secret place and I will continue to treasure up all these things and pondered them in my heart just as Mary did when the shepherds spread the news of Jesus' birth. Luke 2:19

I want God to have His way in every area-every little nook and cranny of my life. I don't want to be unwilling or refuse to yield to Him. I pray that I choose to follow in His footsteps daily.....even though His footprints are bigger than my little feet. He knows that. And I know that I can rest in His shadow and dwell in safety there.

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

A little tidbit

I haven't posted an update in a while and trust me-it hasn't been due to lack of material! There's so much I want to blog about that it's hard to find a starting point. I have been inspired to write off and on but then don't because I am tired or don't feel like it at the moment. So here are some random tidbits until I get into my full blogging swing again.

It's really cold-so cold that when I walk to the subway in the morning it feels like the insides of my nostrils have frozen up. It's a weird sensation. And I pray-"Lord-please help me, please God help me get through this." Then I remember how I still need to buy earmuffs and a hat or something....even if it's one of those dorky looking hats with built in ear cover things-hey fashion doesn't matter at this point-if it keeps me warm it's good for me!

I LOVE THE WORD OF GOD!!! It has been so explosive! I am getting more out of the bible and understanding it in a way that I never have before. This is awesome! I have been filling my little "verse book" up and treasure being able to write at least one down during my 15 minute lunch break. I began reading in Timothy and I just kept on going....I'm in the Peter letters now. I love the Peter letters-they are ones that I treasured and loved to read when I was a brand new baby believer. It's been really awesome to find my special verses again. Also, God has been using the word to do some "tough love" on me. It hasn't been fun taking a close look at myself and the things of my sin nature but I thank God that He loves me in spite of it and still died for me-to set me free. Thank you God for your amazing love!

Church is awesome. I love the folks there-especially this older lady named Mary. I have taken quite a liking to her and we have great talks. I have made some friends there and I love hanging out with them and playing games. I love work-it's cool. Mom, Maria & Evan will be here soon!!!! They should be arriving in about a week-woohoo!!! I can't wait to tackle them down with kisses and hugs! Evan is so gonna get some lovin' from his auntie! I'll probably spend the last 2 weeks of February in western MA staying with my mom and helping them get settled into their new house. I'm sure I'll get to see Jen, Arnaldo, Roy and Becky too so that'll be cool. I totally see God moving-especially in Roy-I see changes man!

I'm still dreaming big and God is continually taking out His paintbrush and adding more colorful strokes to my life's canvas. I'm sitting back and watching Him create His masterpiece. It's not done yet but boy is it quite an incredible work in progress!

Blessed beyond imagination.....

My dear sweet Jesus-My Bridegroom, has poured out His adoring love and blessings all over me and bathed me in the lavishness of His righteousness. I can not fully express to Him with accurate words just how much He has done for me-how much I love Him because He first loved me. So I am telling Him with the gaze of my eyes towards His beautiful face. I am telling Him with my tears of joy which I gladly offer to Him. And I am telling Him with the sunrise of my smile.


Thank you Jesus...my sweet Jesus...my Prince.

I am also thanking God for the dear saints who have been praying for me.....who have stood in the gap for me, knees probably calloused, as they have fought for me.....Thank you!!! I love you with all of my heart!!!

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. ~Ephesians 3:14-21

God gave me the job at Harvard-what's more is I believe I was hand-picked for it. There have been so many times in my life that I've gotten frustrated about not knowing what God was doing, but this is one of those times that I'm actually excited about not knowing! Crazy!

I am excited about the works of His hands and how He will unfold the plans that He has for my life right before my very eyes as I wait expectantly and am captivated by His every move.

Happiness-Life is Good!

I am just so peaceful, happy and content with my life right now. I love being here in MA. Every night I go to bed with complete ease and wake up each morning so peaceful.

"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety." -Psalm 4:8

Actually most mornings I wake up thanking God for this. I thank him a lot for my bed.....well actually it's only partly my bed. I only have a mattress but one of my cousin's friends (who stayed with her before I moved in) left their box spring and mattress here until they can get it. The bed frame is missing a wheel so I can't use it......so I have two mattresses on top of the box spring which is on the floor and it is sooooooo comfortable! I never want to get out of bed! I will be sad when they need their bed back because it has brought me much relief from my lower back pain on my left side. I don't think I've woken up with back pain since I've slept in that bed. Thank you God! I have also not suffered from insomnia since I've been here either. Over the past 2 years I have had a lot of trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, but not anymore. Praise God!

I know that it is from "The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, that guards my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:7

There is so much peace in being in and doing God's will......in obeying him when he asks you to do something-even if it doesn't always seem to make sense to you. It's funny, just this evening someone asked me why I moved (back) here from Florida? My response was, "God." It was an interesting 30 seconds or so after that as they kind of laughed and thought I was joking and said, "God told you to move here?!" Again I said yes and assured them that I wasn't joking.....my cousins smiled and laughed in agreement with me. God is so wild-I love it! I know God called me here and backed his Words up with a Promise. He made this promise to Jacob after Jacob stole his brother Esau's blessing and then fled to Paddan-Aram. The Lord led me to this passage in a very creative way back in April '06 and I have believed him and clung to his Promise for Me.....

“I am the Lord, the God of your grandfather Abraham, and the God of your father, Isaac. The ground you are lying on belongs to you. I am giving it to you and your descendants. Your descendants will be as numerous as the dust of the earth! They will spread out in all directions—to the west and the east, to the north and the south. And all the families of the earth will be blessed through you and your descendants. What’s more, I am with you, and I will protect you wherever you go. One day I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have finished giving you everything I have promised you.” -Genesis 28:13-15

In my reading today I came across another passage of scripture that leapt off of the page and into my heart. I have replaced Abraham's name with my own as I felt the Lord was saying my name. I believe God has called me out by name and set me apart for this:

"And the Lord said, Shall I hide from Sarha [My friend and servant] what I am going to do, Since Sarha shall surely become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed through her and shall bless themselves by her? For I have known (chosen, acknowledged) her [as My own], so that she may teach and command her children and the sons of her house after her to keep the way of the Lord and to do what is just and righteous, so that the Lord may bring Sarha what He has promised her." -Genesis 18:17-19 (Amplified Bible)

I love God so much. He is dear, sweet, thoughtful and faithful. I am in such a good place in my life. I am believing Him for a new job at Harvard-it's looking very good, they are on the last process-a background check. I have been attending a Messianic congregation which I have come to really enjoy. I am learning so much of the Word of God there. It has opened me up in many ways.....helping to free me up in worship. They have started a dance group that teaches traditional Jewish dances which they do during praise & worship. I have always wanted to dance during worship but always felt way too bound up and self-conscious to be free enough to dance. I now feel that I have a significant desire to worship and celebrate God through dance and am really thinking about joining the group. This is huge for me. I am a fun person, don't get me wrong, but I am also way uptight when it comes to things like this....especially when it involves being in public view.

I've also started to open up to other things and really enjoy them. These things may seem trivial to some people but I know myself very well and these things are milestones for me:

1. Ate Indian Cuisine for the 1st time and loved it.
2. Bought AND read an almost 500 page book with my cousin called "Redeeming Love", based on the book of Hosea from which my "life verse" (Hosea 2:19-20) comes from. I encourage everyone to read this book. It is absolutely amazing! I wish I had tons of money so I could buy the book and give it to the whole world. God's redemptive love is mighty, powerful and captivating!
3. Like my cousin's dog & cat to the point where I actually pet, hold and cuddle with them!
4. Learning & playing board games that require thinking and strategy. I have always been more of a Phase 10, Skip Bo, Uno kind of girl so this was a stretch for me. I now like the board games so much that I've gone to bed & woken up thinking about them and asked my cousins and their friends if they want to play more games.
5. Changed my daily food intake to pretty much an all natural and organic diet. Drinking more water. Only had soda once over the course of a month. Cut out fast food. Drinking more tea. On a whole I'm eating healthier and taking better care of my body. I've lost 3 pounds since the start of the year! :-)
6. Asked a lady at church if she'd like some company when I noticed we were both sitting by ourselves in two different rows of seats.....so I went and sat with her.
7. Voluntarily introduced myself to one of my cousin's friends without feeling shy or uncomfortable.
8. Not feeling sad at all about being away from my family when they're going through so much and instead trusting God and remaining joyful in all circumstances.
9. For the most part looking forward to learning & taking the T (subway).
10. Openness to getting out and exploring my new surroundings.
11. Didn't freak out when going out in public places or meeting new people without having done my hair & make-up and dressed "bummy"......and felt beautiful.
12. Being confident, believing in myself and whole-heartedly believing God without doubts, fears or reservations.

I look forward to all the ways the Lord is going to open my heart up to new things. He is freeing me more and more each and every day.

To Sarha who had believed him, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciple. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." -John 8:31-32

Personality Test

I don't really ever take little online tests or surveys but I decided to do this one just for fun. I must say it is actually pretty accurate about my personality. If you get bored or curious sometime you should take it too.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion.You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness.You're generally good at balancing work and play.When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness.You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly.Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone.You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism.You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium.You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

Five Factor Personality Test

http://www.blogthings.com/thefivefactorpersonalitytest/

Boston: Take 2

I am back in Boston (North Quincy) and so happy to be here. I'm also excited about a very good potential job opportunity that I have at Harvard University. I have a 2nd interview on January 5th! During the past four months that I spent back in Orlando I learned so much about myself and the plans that God has for me. I was glad to be able to help my family & my sister and to spend time with her. God has been really close and sweet to my family. We all have experienced Him so much more than ever. Joy truly does come in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

Earlier this year God had confirmed many times my moving to Boston..... but in the midst of everything that was going on: the hard, emotional and not long enough adjustment period in Boston, the severity of my sister's cancer and going back to Orlando to be with my family...... I doubted God-and I doubted Him a lot! I grew distant from Him and was very confused about my life. I didn't know what to believe or even if I wanted to believe anything again. Why get my hopes up? But, I knew God loved me and that I was His child. I knew God had put a call on my life regardless if I knew exactly what that was or not. I chose to believe Him and take Him at His word. I had to believe Him. So, I spent 4 months wrestling with God and would not let go of Him until He blessed me. (Genesis 32:26)

It's so cool, God has brought back old verses that He's used to speak to me before when I've been faced with making big life changing decisions. He's also spoken new words to me and given me an inside view from His perspective. I'd like to share some of His words here.

God spoke:
"Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God." (Luke 9:60)

I replied:
"Okay Lord, I hear you. I will go."

God spoke:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." (James 1:2-8)

I replied:
"I don't want to be a wave Lord. I want to be a rock!"

God spoke:
"Then the Lord said, “You feel sorry about the plant, though you did nothing to put it there. It came quickly and died quickly. But Nineveh (Boston) has more than 120,000 people living in spiritual darkness, not to mention all the animals. Shouldn’t I feel sorry for such a great city?” (Jonah 4:10-11)

I replied:
"Here am I, send me!"

I have learned to stop and let the Lord speak to me. To listen attentively to Him and then respond.

Merry Christmas-Our Savior is Born!!!

Isaiah 9:1-7 (NIV)

To Us a Child Is Born:

Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress. In the past he humbled the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the future he will honor Galilee of the Gentiles, by the way of the sea, along the Jordan-

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned. You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as men rejoice when dividing the plunder. For as in the day of Midian's defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor. Every warrior's boot used in battle and every garment rolled in blood will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire.

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this.

Luke 2:1-20 (NIV)

The Birth of Jesus:

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

The Shepherds and the Angels:

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests." When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about." So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.

When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

I'm a silly monkey...

How can I hear God when I fill my ears with other voices?

How can I see God when I don't cast my eyes toward His gaze?

How can I speak to Him when my lips drip with foulness?

I was talking to my cousin today about my horrible attitude and the ugliness of my heart lately. She asked me if I had been going to church. My reply was No. She asked me if I had been going to small group. Again my reply was No. She then said, "Sarha, you are starving yourself. You're not even eating little scraps from under the table?" Wow, she is right. I haven't even been spending much (if any) time in God's Word lately. I was doing really well with that when Maria was having her treatments Mon-Fri. I would stay in the waiting room or out in the car and read my bible and pray everyday. I was on a good schedule. Now Maria is on a break from treatments and I have let go of the habit I built. I have no excuses really. I have all the time in the world and I still don't sit down at the feet of Jesus. I need to get back into it again. I felt so much better and God always had a Word for me. I also need to get over whatever past issues I had with church and just go. There are people there that love me and speak wholesome truth into my life. I need to get with other believers regularly, whether that's in a small group or one on one with someone. I need fellowship, community and prayer to survive. I know this!!! Thanks for being patient with me God!

There's a worm in my apple: I gotta get him out!

I have had a really rotten attitude lately and it is getting on my nerves...literally. My mood has been horrendous. I have been miserable and negative and have not been the most pleasant person to be around. To be honest, I have been a beast.

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you..... Psalm 73:21-22

My heart is grieved with many things: my sister's cancer, added responsibility of caretaking and helping my family, not being in Boston, trying not to lose sight of my dreams, telling myself to hold tight to them and feeling like God has forgotten me and failed to step into action.

I know that God IS bigger than my heartache, doubt, fears, ugliness and utter beastliness. Even when I lay around in my smelly trash heap attitude, He still loves me. I can't flee from His love.

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever..... Psalm 73:23-26

I'm also starting to wake up and remember that I have a great Enemy who loves when I am vulnerable and hurting..... and hopes that just maybe I might leave a door open for him to get in.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith..... 1 Peter 5:8-9

I need to stand my ground and cling to God, remembering that He is bigger than my enemy. Jesus is my Advocate and fights on my behalf. And the enemy better watch out 'cause his Victor is coming!

For thus says the LORD of hosts, "After glory He has sent me against the nations which plunder you, for he who touches you, touches the apple of His eye. "For behold, I will raise My hand over them so that they will be plunder for their slaves. Then you will know that the LORD Almighty has sent Me..... Zechariah 2:8-9

Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes. Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings from the wicked who assail me, from my mortal enemies who surround me..... Psalm 17:7-9

In a desert land he found me, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded me and cared for me; he guarded me as the apple of his eye,
like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions.

Deuteronomy 32:10-11

I love God's Word. It speaks for itself.

Things I'm feeling... in no particular order.

Anticipating God's goodness & blessings.

Stripped & Empty: Where has the joy and fire gone?
Surrendering: My body is crushed under the weight of my burdens.....so I unclentch my fists, lift my cares up to you oh Lord and by your grace alone I choose to leave them in your hands.
Hopeless & Forgotten: I need God to lift my head.
Desperate & Depleted: Please God, restore to me the joy of my salvation!

Please speak to me again sweet Jesus. I want to feel your breath as you whisper secrets in my ear. I want to feel your heart beat as you hold me. I can't live a day without you. Please revive me with your touch and breathe your life into me again.

I don't understand God right now.

Tonight I went to my old job's Christmas party. I was glad to be there and see people that I've missed. But, it ended up being a pretty weepy night for me. I cried a lot as people asked about my sister....even cried on a friends chest as she hugged me and another friend held my hand. I felt other emotions during the party too. Like I had been quickly forgotten about after having spent nearly 4 years working alongside these people. I cared about and loved those people very much. There are really only a very small few who have kept up with me and really seem to care.

One thought that passed through my mind a lot was "Wow, this room full of people know what my family and I have been going through and I never even once received a card or anything from the office." I just feel that I gave so much to this organization and I don't even feel that they care. I'm still weeping and wish God would just fix all of this. Please God just heal my sister. Restore her life. Patch our family back up again. I don't understand God. I know he's sovereign. I know he's just. I'm not mad at him but I just don't know what to think. I wish he'd break his silence.

Some pictures that make me smile...

Evan & Isabella at Thanksgiving: Life at the kiddie table

Evan loves helping Grandma decorate, especially for Christmas

Mom and her girls at Thanksgiving: Me, Laura, Mom, Sondra and Maria

I love Batman!!!

Who you lookin' at?

Pressing On

Well, I feel like I've been trudging through the mud for the past few months and it's caked on me pretty good. Even though things have been really hard I'm pressing on and moving forward, cracking off the clay as I go. My family situation has been weighing on me a lot. We have had one challenge after another. There are a lot of responsibilities that have been distributed amongst us and it is tiring.

I have also been confused about my life. Since I have been back in Orlando I've been crying out to God and really seeking Him for answers. I very much want to be in Massachusetts. I still believe that God prepared and sent me there. While I was there I did have a very hard time. I was very sad, scared and lonely. But, I didn't have enough time to adjust through all of that. I was only in Boston for just under one month. Due to my fears I did want to go back to Orlando, then my sister got sick and I was back.

Could I have stayed in Boston? Sure. But you see my family is very close. We stick together through thick and thin. I don't really feel like it was an option for me to stay in Boston with Maria being sick. For me that would be like turning my back on my family. So I am here and I'm now staying with Maria and my nephew Evan and Maria is doing really well.

I've wrestled with God so much while I've been here. I have reflected a lot on this past year and the things that God has taken me through and spoken to me. When I got back to Orlando I was going through a whirlwind of emotions and did communicate to people that I felt that the whole move was a mistake and that I was glad to be back in Orlando. I even said to my family that I didn't want to go back to Boston. But since I've been here Boston hasn't left my heart. This makes me think of a story that a missionary friend of mine (who is from the Ukraine but ministering in Poland) told me a couple years ago. He compared his heart for Poland and the Ukraine to a sailor who "When he's out to sea he misses the land and when he's on land he misses the sea."

I wonder if I am only supposed to be back here to help Maria while she is going through her treatments. I also wonder a lot if my family and friends think that I am double-minded and keep going back and forth about Massachusetts. Then I just get frustrated and think that I care way too much about what others do or do not think about me. My ultimate goal is to please God and I want to know His thoughts.

So my days pretty much consist of helping my sister by taking her to appointments, running errands, helping her with Evan and anything else she needs. I had a job interview a few weeks ago but I was not selected for the position. I'm not really sad about that at all. I told God going into it that if it was where I was supposed to be then I would be there. Plus, if I were working full time right now it would be more challenging for my sister to get to appointments and such. If it is God's will for me to start working, even if it's part time then it'll happen.

One thing that has been pretty cool is that I am on a good bible reading schedule. Mon-Fri while I wait for Maria to come out of her treatment I read the bible, pray, worship and journal. I really do see more clearly now how God's word is truly my lifeline. I wanted to share some scriptures that have helped me throughout this challenging time.

Proverbs 19:20-21 (NIV)
Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Lord, truly my hearts desire is for your purpose to prevail.

2 Peter 1:5-8 (NLT)
In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God's promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Lord, I seek after all those good things. I see how you are helping me to grow.

1 Peter 1:6-7 (NLT)
So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-although your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

Father, although the testing hurts please continue to refine me and mold me into who I truly am. Increase my faith and make me stronger. I know you are a good Daddy.

James 3:17-18 (NLT)
But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.

God, thank you that your word is the Truth! Thank you that I can count on you all the time. Thank you that the word that goes out from your mouth does not return to you empty, but will accomplish what you desire and achieve the purpose for which you sent it. (Isaiah 55:11 NIV)

I am encouraged by these verses and am holding onto them as I try my best to be still and patiently wait for God to show me what's next.