Boston: Take 2

I am back in Boston (North Quincy) and so happy to be here. I'm also excited about a very good potential job opportunity that I have at Harvard University. I have a 2nd interview on January 5th! During the past four months that I spent back in Orlando I learned so much about myself and the plans that God has for me. I was glad to be able to help my family & my sister and to spend time with her. God has been really close and sweet to my family. We all have experienced Him so much more than ever. Joy truly does come in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

Earlier this year God had confirmed many times my moving to Boston..... but in the midst of everything that was going on: the hard, emotional and not long enough adjustment period in Boston, the severity of my sister's cancer and going back to Orlando to be with my family...... I doubted God-and I doubted Him a lot! I grew distant from Him and was very confused about my life. I didn't know what to believe or even if I wanted to believe anything again. Why get my hopes up? But, I knew God loved me and that I was His child. I knew God had put a call on my life regardless if I knew exactly what that was or not. I chose to believe Him and take Him at His word. I had to believe Him. So, I spent 4 months wrestling with God and would not let go of Him until He blessed me. (Genesis 32:26)

It's so cool, God has brought back old verses that He's used to speak to me before when I've been faced with making big life changing decisions. He's also spoken new words to me and given me an inside view from His perspective. I'd like to share some of His words here.

God spoke:
"Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God." (Luke 9:60)

I replied:
"Okay Lord, I hear you. I will go."

God spoke:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." (James 1:2-8)

I replied:
"I don't want to be a wave Lord. I want to be a rock!"

God spoke:
"Then the Lord said, “You feel sorry about the plant, though you did nothing to put it there. It came quickly and died quickly. But Nineveh (Boston) has more than 120,000 people living in spiritual darkness, not to mention all the animals. Shouldn’t I feel sorry for such a great city?” (Jonah 4:10-11)

I replied:
"Here am I, send me!"

I have learned to stop and let the Lord speak to me. To listen attentively to Him and then respond.

Merry Christmas-Our Savior is Born!!!

Isaiah 9:1-7 (NIV)

To Us a Child Is Born:

Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress. In the past he humbled the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the future he will honor Galilee of the Gentiles, by the way of the sea, along the Jordan-

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned. You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as men rejoice when dividing the plunder. For as in the day of Midian's defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor. Every warrior's boot used in battle and every garment rolled in blood will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire.

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this.

Luke 2:1-20 (NIV)

The Birth of Jesus:

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

The Shepherds and the Angels:

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests." When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about." So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.

When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

I'm a silly monkey...

How can I hear God when I fill my ears with other voices?

How can I see God when I don't cast my eyes toward His gaze?

How can I speak to Him when my lips drip with foulness?

I was talking to my cousin today about my horrible attitude and the ugliness of my heart lately. She asked me if I had been going to church. My reply was No. She asked me if I had been going to small group. Again my reply was No. She then said, "Sarha, you are starving yourself. You're not even eating little scraps from under the table?" Wow, she is right. I haven't even been spending much (if any) time in God's Word lately. I was doing really well with that when Maria was having her treatments Mon-Fri. I would stay in the waiting room or out in the car and read my bible and pray everyday. I was on a good schedule. Now Maria is on a break from treatments and I have let go of the habit I built. I have no excuses really. I have all the time in the world and I still don't sit down at the feet of Jesus. I need to get back into it again. I felt so much better and God always had a Word for me. I also need to get over whatever past issues I had with church and just go. There are people there that love me and speak wholesome truth into my life. I need to get with other believers regularly, whether that's in a small group or one on one with someone. I need fellowship, community and prayer to survive. I know this!!! Thanks for being patient with me God!

There's a worm in my apple: I gotta get him out!

I have had a really rotten attitude lately and it is getting on my nerves...literally. My mood has been horrendous. I have been miserable and negative and have not been the most pleasant person to be around. To be honest, I have been a beast.

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you..... Psalm 73:21-22

My heart is grieved with many things: my sister's cancer, added responsibility of caretaking and helping my family, not being in Boston, trying not to lose sight of my dreams, telling myself to hold tight to them and feeling like God has forgotten me and failed to step into action.

I know that God IS bigger than my heartache, doubt, fears, ugliness and utter beastliness. Even when I lay around in my smelly trash heap attitude, He still loves me. I can't flee from His love.

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever..... Psalm 73:23-26

I'm also starting to wake up and remember that I have a great Enemy who loves when I am vulnerable and hurting..... and hopes that just maybe I might leave a door open for him to get in.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith..... 1 Peter 5:8-9

I need to stand my ground and cling to God, remembering that He is bigger than my enemy. Jesus is my Advocate and fights on my behalf. And the enemy better watch out 'cause his Victor is coming!

For thus says the LORD of hosts, "After glory He has sent me against the nations which plunder you, for he who touches you, touches the apple of His eye. "For behold, I will raise My hand over them so that they will be plunder for their slaves. Then you will know that the LORD Almighty has sent Me..... Zechariah 2:8-9

Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes. Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings from the wicked who assail me, from my mortal enemies who surround me..... Psalm 17:7-9

In a desert land he found me, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded me and cared for me; he guarded me as the apple of his eye,
like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions.

Deuteronomy 32:10-11

I love God's Word. It speaks for itself.

Things I'm feeling... in no particular order.

Anticipating God's goodness & blessings.

Stripped & Empty: Where has the joy and fire gone?
Surrendering: My body is crushed under the weight of my burdens.....so I unclentch my fists, lift my cares up to you oh Lord and by your grace alone I choose to leave them in your hands.
Hopeless & Forgotten: I need God to lift my head.
Desperate & Depleted: Please God, restore to me the joy of my salvation!

Please speak to me again sweet Jesus. I want to feel your breath as you whisper secrets in my ear. I want to feel your heart beat as you hold me. I can't live a day without you. Please revive me with your touch and breathe your life into me again.

I don't understand God right now.

Tonight I went to my old job's Christmas party. I was glad to be there and see people that I've missed. But, it ended up being a pretty weepy night for me. I cried a lot as people asked about my sister....even cried on a friends chest as she hugged me and another friend held my hand. I felt other emotions during the party too. Like I had been quickly forgotten about after having spent nearly 4 years working alongside these people. I cared about and loved those people very much. There are really only a very small few who have kept up with me and really seem to care.

One thought that passed through my mind a lot was "Wow, this room full of people know what my family and I have been going through and I never even once received a card or anything from the office." I just feel that I gave so much to this organization and I don't even feel that they care. I'm still weeping and wish God would just fix all of this. Please God just heal my sister. Restore her life. Patch our family back up again. I don't understand God. I know he's sovereign. I know he's just. I'm not mad at him but I just don't know what to think. I wish he'd break his silence.

Some pictures that make me smile...

Evan & Isabella at Thanksgiving: Life at the kiddie table

Evan loves helping Grandma decorate, especially for Christmas

Mom and her girls at Thanksgiving: Me, Laura, Mom, Sondra and Maria

I love Batman!!!

Who you lookin' at?

Pressing On

Well, I feel like I've been trudging through the mud for the past few months and it's caked on me pretty good. Even though things have been really hard I'm pressing on and moving forward, cracking off the clay as I go. My family situation has been weighing on me a lot. We have had one challenge after another. There are a lot of responsibilities that have been distributed amongst us and it is tiring.

I have also been confused about my life. Since I have been back in Orlando I've been crying out to God and really seeking Him for answers. I very much want to be in Massachusetts. I still believe that God prepared and sent me there. While I was there I did have a very hard time. I was very sad, scared and lonely. But, I didn't have enough time to adjust through all of that. I was only in Boston for just under one month. Due to my fears I did want to go back to Orlando, then my sister got sick and I was back.

Could I have stayed in Boston? Sure. But you see my family is very close. We stick together through thick and thin. I don't really feel like it was an option for me to stay in Boston with Maria being sick. For me that would be like turning my back on my family. So I am here and I'm now staying with Maria and my nephew Evan and Maria is doing really well.

I've wrestled with God so much while I've been here. I have reflected a lot on this past year and the things that God has taken me through and spoken to me. When I got back to Orlando I was going through a whirlwind of emotions and did communicate to people that I felt that the whole move was a mistake and that I was glad to be back in Orlando. I even said to my family that I didn't want to go back to Boston. But since I've been here Boston hasn't left my heart. This makes me think of a story that a missionary friend of mine (who is from the Ukraine but ministering in Poland) told me a couple years ago. He compared his heart for Poland and the Ukraine to a sailor who "When he's out to sea he misses the land and when he's on land he misses the sea."

I wonder if I am only supposed to be back here to help Maria while she is going through her treatments. I also wonder a lot if my family and friends think that I am double-minded and keep going back and forth about Massachusetts. Then I just get frustrated and think that I care way too much about what others do or do not think about me. My ultimate goal is to please God and I want to know His thoughts.

So my days pretty much consist of helping my sister by taking her to appointments, running errands, helping her with Evan and anything else she needs. I had a job interview a few weeks ago but I was not selected for the position. I'm not really sad about that at all. I told God going into it that if it was where I was supposed to be then I would be there. Plus, if I were working full time right now it would be more challenging for my sister to get to appointments and such. If it is God's will for me to start working, even if it's part time then it'll happen.

One thing that has been pretty cool is that I am on a good bible reading schedule. Mon-Fri while I wait for Maria to come out of her treatment I read the bible, pray, worship and journal. I really do see more clearly now how God's word is truly my lifeline. I wanted to share some scriptures that have helped me throughout this challenging time.

Proverbs 19:20-21 (NIV)
Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Lord, truly my hearts desire is for your purpose to prevail.

2 Peter 1:5-8 (NLT)
In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God's promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Lord, I seek after all those good things. I see how you are helping me to grow.

1 Peter 1:6-7 (NLT)
So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-although your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

Father, although the testing hurts please continue to refine me and mold me into who I truly am. Increase my faith and make me stronger. I know you are a good Daddy.

James 3:17-18 (NLT)
But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.

God, thank you that your word is the Truth! Thank you that I can count on you all the time. Thank you that the word that goes out from your mouth does not return to you empty, but will accomplish what you desire and achieve the purpose for which you sent it. (Isaiah 55:11 NIV)

I am encouraged by these verses and am holding onto them as I try my best to be still and patiently wait for God to show me what's next.

Not much to say...

Hello. :-) I don't really have much to write about. I am kind of just existing. This all feels sort of like a dream. I really want God to heal my sister. The family is hanging in there. Dad got some family medical leave for ten days and people from Laura's work donated some of their time off to her so that she could be out of work and spend more time together as a family. Kayla turned 13 and we just had her birthday party today. I started going to a Lifegroup that I really like. I know that no matter what happens or how I feel on any given day....that I NEED to be in community and fellowship with other believers. The body of Christ is a lifeline for me. I don't know where my life is headed right now. There's no pressure on me but I'd really like to get a good glimpse of something.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring......I just hope it's something good.

Coming Around

Well, I'm finding that with time things get better. I am doing a lot better than I was in my last post. Regret, mistake, loser and failure have left the building. They were just some pretty negative words that needed to come crashing down......and they did. I'm coming around. I've started applying for jobs.....hopefully in a ministry again. I want to make an eternal difference. The family is doing good. I love them so much but living with them has its challenges. I'm thinking that staying with them for now is OK....maybe for a few months......but I'm longing for some good ole Christian roommate fellowship. I am really excited about a verse I read yesterday that just totally reaffirmed me.

Ephesians 4:1 (NLT)

Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God.

Man, this is so good! I want to lead a life worthy of my calling. I've always wanted that! I have started praying about this more......beseeching God.....asking Him what my calling is. And even though I don't really think I know right now.....that's OK. Just a few months ago I was angry with God and finally unveiled some junk that was in my heart to Him. I was angry because I felt that I didn't have a purpose......I didn't know what it was.....and I felt that God wasn't showing me. I'm not angry with Him anymore and I am really OK with not knowing right now because the second part of that verse says, 'For you HAVE been called by God.' Those words jumped right out of the bible and into my mind, heart and spirit.

I'm greatly comforted and assured knowing that I have been called by God!

I am coming alive again.

Thoughts and Feelings

First off I'd like to say that my sister Maria is doing awesome. She is in great hands with God and her doctor. Everything has just been amazing with her. She has had 2 brain surgeries and a radiation treatment so far and she isn't in any pain and hasn't really complained at all. I am seriously so amazed and really awed by God in how He is clearly watching over and taking such good care of her. She has been covered head to toe in the prayers of so many people who love her and by those who have only heard about her but are committed to praying for her and my family. I am just thrilled!!!

I have had much to think about since I've been home in Orlando. You know, being alone with your thoughts for a long time isn't necessarily a good thing......at least in my case. I wish my mind would just rest all ready. I have really been struggling with feeling embarrassed and like a failure........like I've really messed up my life. I've been pretty confused and restless. Everyday that I spent in MA was hard. I would wake up each day feeling like I had made a huge mistake. I tried to work through it....looked for jobs...went on some interviews.......asked God to help me like Boston......but it really didn't get better. I honestly did want to go home and I really wondered if God really sent me to Boston. I started praying and asking God about going home......and then I got the news about my sister.......and then I was home.

So I wrestle with my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to go home but I didn't want her sickness to be my "out". I am happy to be home though.....glad to be able to help my sister and my family. It's been nice to see some of my friends again too. One of my friends said that he was "really impressed at how the Lord had prepared and sent me back to Orlando for such a time as this" and that "I'm not sure why the Lord had you go to Boston except to free you up from things here locally so that you'd be in a better position to serve your family"....... and went on to say that "It's evident that you are the spiritual anchor for Maria and your family". I do not see myself as a spiritual anchor but I do have a relationship with God and I'm trying to walk with Him daily.

I am struggling with deep regret. I regret leaving my job at GCM and moving to Boston. I know that I felt so sure about Boston and everyone was so excited and I believed at one point that God did send me there. Sometimes I get really excited about things and I want to run with it.....but maybe it wasn't the right time.....maybe I was only supposed to go for the length of time I was there.....maybe God wanted to break me away from everything familiar in order to break through some fears and prepare me for something else.....who knows. God knows that I want the Boston church plant to happen but maybe I'm not supposed to actually be a part of it...like actually living there. Maybe my role was just to let the church plant team know how I've been praying for it to happen and to get them on board and excited about it....maybe I was just supposed to be a point person for them. Maybe I'm just supposed to support them in prayer.

One thing that has really encouraged me is that I had the courage to leave Orlando. I went through a long process and allowed God to work in my life and break through fears and moved in spite of my fears of the unknown. That takes a lot!!!!! A friend told me that like 95% (or something like that) of the people in this world don't make any changes or try things because of fear and that I am so courageous because I still went and didn't cower in that fear. So here I am back home. I'm glad to be here to help support my family. I'm starting over again but that's OK. I'm in a good place right now and things could've been much worse.

I really need to count my blessings. The Lord has never abandoned me. I would love to go back to work for GCM if they have anything available but we'll see what happens. I am going back to church and small group and I'll probably be checking out a lifegroup soon. I really need Christian community and satan would just love for me to sit in depression and convince me that people think that I failed and are disappointed with me. That's a big load of crap and I know it.

One thing that I've been really impressed with are two verses that God is reminding me of......

2 Cor 2:12-16
Now when I went to Troas to preach the gospel of Christ and found that the Lord had opened a door for me, I still had no peace of mind, because I did not find my brother Titus there. So I said good-bye to them and went on to Macedonia. But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life.

Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

God opened up a door for Paul to go to Troas and he went but had no peace of mind because he couldn't find his brother Titus. So he left and went to Macedonia. But even though he left the place that God had opened a door for him to go.......God STILL led him in triumphal procession in Christ!!! Even in Macedonia God used him to spread everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of God and to be the aroma to Christ. I also see that no matter what happens....whatever circumstance I'm in....God always has my back....He always has my best interest in hand.....He will ALWAYS work it out for my good. Why? BECAUSE HE LOVES ME! There doesn't have to be any other reason than that. He loves me. There is nothing too big or hard for Him. There's nothing that He can't handle. He is a mighty God and I don't have to be a big woop-dee-doo person for Him or do some amazing thing for Him. He just wants me.....just as I am and right where I'm at.

That is freeing.

My sister Maria

Thank you all for your prayers, love and support. Maria had her 2nd surgery on Wed which will enable more fluid to drain from her brain. The surgery went very well and Maria told my mom that she actually felt better that day then she did the previous day. It was determined that Maria does have cancer and it is in the 4th stage. It looks like she's had it for about 5 months but they are glad they caught it now. It also looks like the cancer is contained and not attached to anything. As far as we know Maria will be able to come home from the hospital this Friday. Then she will be scheduled for 1 radiation treatment followed by 4 weeks (1 time per week) of chemo. After that they will test her and see where everything is at.

We are all feeling very positive, her doctor, our family and Maria. Her doctor specializes in this field and is very positive and hopeful for Maria. Please continue to pray for God's healing and that He would use this to draw Maria and our whole family closer to Him. Please pray for me too, I have been feeling really weak in my faith and spiritually numb lately. I have been distracted and haven't gotten time with God like I should. I know that I am no good to myself or anyone else without God active in my daily life. Please pray for a big change in my heart and for God to show me what's truly important and vital. Thank you!

Quick update on Maria

Maria is looking good. A biopsy was done yesterday but the tumor on top of her head is so embedded that they can't get to it. This morning she went in for another CAT scan but I haven't heard anything yet today. Maria does have a tube literally in her brain draining fluid out. When I saw her last night she looked good and was even cracking some jokes. She naturally does not want to be in the hospital and is getting depressed. I'll let you know more as news comes in. Thank you all for your prayers. God bless you!

My Sister....and Coming Home

My sister Maria has been in the hospital this week. She first was complaining of severe headaches and would see her Dr. about that and they would just give her more pain meds. It finally got so bad that she brought herself to the emergency room. It was there that the Drs. discovered that she had swelling of the brain and fluid on her brain. She was then flown by helicopter to Florida hospital where she is in ICU. They did a spinal tap yesterday to drain fluid. My mom called me this morning to tell me that today they found lesions on her brain. They have to do surgery this Friday. My mom told me that Maria said she really wants me to come home and that she needs my support and help especially during her recovery. Please pray for my sister and my family. My mom has been taking care of my nephew and I think she's trying to be strong for everyone. This morning she bought plane tickets for me and my cousin Cindy to go to Orlando. At this point I don't know what my future plans are......to eventually go back to MA or to stay in FL. Please pray for my sister's healing, comfort for my family and for discernment for me.

God is with us.

Getting Better Each Day...

Hello World :-)

Here's a quick update from my last post. I was really down and at a very low point when I last wrote. Things really do get better each day. Today I had my first job interview and I think it went OK. It's for a development Assistant-Gift Processing position at Tufts-New England Medical Center in China Town. A lot of the job description looks similar to what I did at GCM except for the development stuff but I am very teachable and will learn it. I go back on Friday to meet with the hiring manager so we'll see what happens. I'm still going through a bit of doubt, confusion, fear and insecurity and I wish I would just feel normal already. I haven't been connecting with God as much as I'd like. I really want that to change and hope it does soon.

I've been sensing this week that I don't have to force myself through things......for example it is OK for me to grieve right now. I mean c'mon.....I literally left the life that I knew in Orlando....my family, friends, job, church, car, furniture......everything. I left all the comforts of home and it is OK, good and normal for me to grieve that loss. Also I'm seeing that I don't have to instantly zap myself into happy and excited mode. I seriously have to tell myself to just take things one day at a time. God is with me and loves me and will not abandon me. I was reminded the other day of one thing that I had been saying months before moving to MA......"God would not lead me somewhere and then tell me to fend for myself!" I'm glad that popped into my head again. I had forgotten about that.

The Truth is awesome.

Frustrated!

I am really frustrated and just want to throw in the towel on this whole Boston thing. I am sick of feeling discouraged and conflicted. I really need God to speak to me. I need Him alone to tell me why I am here and if He really sent me here. I am confused. This week is better than last week in that I didn't cry the whole time. I just don't know what's real and what's not right now. I don't know if I can even trust my own emotions. All I want to do right now is pack up and go back home to Orlando. This just isn't what I thought it would be. I don't know if I made a mistake or if this is natural or what. I feel like I left the best thing possible in Orlando and for what? What did I do this for? I felt so completely confident earlier this year about this whole move. I believe God spoke to me in some huge ways. I go back through my journal entries this year and I know God was working and moving in my life. I felt so sure about Boston. Now I am not so sure. I don't know what to be sure about. I am really frustrated and discouraged and God is truly to only one I can cling to. I mean I have my cousin here and I can talk to my family & friends on the phone.....but it's not the same. I desperately need God to help me here. I kind of feel like this is a test....where I put into practice everything I've learned and believe about God.......and even though I know (head knowledge) that God is going to take care of me and is powerful and will work everything out........I feel so weak and afraid. So as of today I just want to go back home and find a job there. I'd have the support of my family & friends and I would just plain ole be back home.

I need God alone to tell me what to do.

My First Week

Well today marks my first week in Boston. Here's a quick recap. It was a hard and emotional first week........I cried a lot and missed my family in Orlando greatly.......I don't know where anything is.......and it is so different here. Things got better over the weekend. I got a lot of encouragement from my friends Jen and Roy. I overcame a huge fear.....something that any other person might see as pretty silly but for me it was a huge victory.......I took the T (subway) for the first time and I was by myself. I am feeling a lot better today...... I wasn't sad at all. Today I posted my resume and started looking for jobs. I am growing more confident in believing that I will have even more victories here and will continue to overcome fears. God will see to that, he will not stop until I am completely VICTORIOUS.

HE IS FOR ME!!!

New Home

I got here to Boston safely yesterday around 1pm. We made excellent time. It was really good having 3 drivers. Today I went around with Melissa......ran errands, went to Ikea to get furniture for my room, woohoo.........and then we went to her work. Now we are home just chilling out. We'll probably put some of the stuff together for my room. I don't have much to write today. I just wanted to give a quick little update. I will say that so far it just feels like I have just come for a visit. The weather is beautiful and I am really enjoying my new home. The place is really nice. I need to keep reminding myself that I need to take life one day at a time and to 'not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present my requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.'

Yup, now the sadness has definitely hit me.....

I am really sad this morning. It hit me last night that I am moving and won't have my friends here.............I won't have my family...............Why am I moving from my family????? I am leaving in a few hours and my friends are packing the car as we speak. Tears, tears, tears....this hurts. :-( My heart and mind is conflicted with knowing that this is right and that I need to do this and with this horrendous sorrow.

I've been praying that God will really be my best friend in this time.

It's not hitting me yet........

I just got off the phone a little while ago with my friend Roy. He's all packed, Jen's packed, her dad will pick up her kids tomorrow at 5am, she'll go to work with Roy, he'll hopefully be done by noon, then they'll start their long drive down to Orlando.

I can't believe it's already here. My departure is so close.

My last day of work was technically Monday but we ran into quite a few kinks so I stayed another day. I thought that it would be hard leaving work yesterday but it wasn't at all. There were no teary goodbye's or anything like that. It just felt like I was leaving for the day. Should it have been different? Maybe people just don't like to say goodbye. Although, this has been quite a long leaving process for me, so maybe people feel like I've been leaving for a long time now and they've had a lot of time to adjust.

Today I went back to the office to meet some friends to go out for lunch in honor of Caroline's birthday. While I was there I handed in my office keys to Jeff. I thought that would feel weird but that didn't either! Tonight I went to my women's small group for the last time and when I left that didn't feel weird.

So, I don't think it's hitting me yet that I am moving. I've had goodbye parties and had my last hang out times with friends and I haven't been emotional at all. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it'll help me to really enjoy my time with my family and friends without being a blubbering mess.

Tomorrow morning I'll say farewell to my car and sell it to Miss Autumn. :-) I've had many awesome exploring/prayer drives with the Lord in that car. Man did I give Him an earfull. I'm so glad that He listens.......moreover that He actually delights in listening to me. That's incredible! :-) I am soooooooooooooooo excited to see Jen and Roy!!!! I can't wait!!!! They rock. I'm looking forward to them meeting my friends here in Orlando. It's going to be good! :-)

Moving and Missing

Today I moved out of my apt. and into my parents house. I'll be staying here for a little over a week before the big move. I am really excited about Jen & Roy coming down from MA. to pick me up and take me to Boston. They are going to be here for a few days so they can have a mini vacation. I am stoked about spending time with them. I never even asked them to drive all the way down to Florida to get me.......they just volunteered and were excited to do it. Man, my friends rock! :-) This will be my first long distance road trip, woohoo!

About a week ago the GCM office had a goodbye/appreciation party for myself and 2 other people who are moving on from the office. It was a great time and I felt really special. It was kind of strange hearing people go around the room saying all these great things about me and how they are going to miss me so much. I mean don't get me wrong, I appreciated their hearts and everything they said, it was cool.........but part of me thought, "Wow, is that really me they're talking about?!?" God has really done a huge work in my life and I have grown so much over the years. I am truly blessed an honored to have worked for such an outstanding organization who is passionate about serving God and supporting missionaries in reaching the nations for Christ.

Monday is my last day at the office but I don't think it's really hit me yet. Maybe it won't until I turn in my keys. Next week will be my last week in Orlando......last time with my family.......last time with my friends. You know, it's not really going to be my last time with them. I know I will see them again, especially my family......I plan on flying down to be with them as often as I can. I am really going to miss everyone. I am going to especially miss the babies-Evan & Isabella, my parents and sisters, my friends, the beach, walking through Leu Gardens, favorite hang out spots, etc. It will be a big adjustment but I will be fine.

Every time I think about the missing and longing and the challenges of moving to a new place and excitement of a new adventure......a line from a Rita Springer song pops into my head and plays over and over again and it gives me 'peace that surpasses all understanding that guards my heart and mind in Christ Jesus' and causes me to 'be still and know that God is God'. It says.......'This is good, this is God......' Just a simple statement, only 6 words....but they comfort my heart so well.

You know for months now I couldn't bear the thought of missing so much. My heart and spirit felt so crushed and I was so tired of being sad. So there were several times when I thought that I would just decide to stay here because everything would stay the same and I would be comfortable and I wouldn't have to be sad and say goodbye. I know that I can't do that. I trust my heart in this. I know that if I chose to stay it would feel as if I were going against myself and God. I don't know what the future holds or what tomorrow will bring and that's OK. However, I do know that God is with me everyday, every waking moment of my life. He will never leave me. I feel like I am a wimp with trusting God lately but I am still trusting Him. He promised to give me a hope and a future.

He always keeps His promises!

God WANTS to bless me because He LOVES me!!!

I have to testify about God's goodness. I can not contain it! He just keeps completely amazing me. So, for the past couple of weeks or so I have been struggling. I've struggled with not believing the truth about myself and who God and others say I am. I've been feeling so insecure, weak and that I don't have anything great to offer anyone, especially God. I have chosen to let worry and fear constantly creep in instead of faith, excitement, joy and expectation.

Just a couple weeks ago I was talking on the phone with my cousin and cried hysterically.......freaking out because of all the unknowns involved with moving to MA. I also dug deeper into my heart and found something that was burried pretty deep. I uncovered that I was upset with God because I felt like I had no purpose and that He hadn't told me yet what my purpose in His big plan was.

My cousin said something to me that I just couldn't believe for myself. She said, "What if He doesn't want to tell you yet? What if He just doesn't want you to do anything right now and just wants to bless you? Her questions just didn't compute in my brain and my response was this...."That is just absurd! Why would He just want to bless me? I haven't done anything for Him to bless me!"

Well, yesterday something absolutely amazing happened to me. God gave me a double blessing, literally! I received a huge financial blessing from an awesome couple AND a friend bought my car that I needed to sell before moving.

I want to give you a little background on this couple. They have very generously sponsored me for my mission trips for the last 3 years. They are a couple who just had a heart to help send me on these mission trips and they didn't even know me. Well, a couple of weeks ago I finally got to meet this couple whom I affectionately call my "support angels". It was an awesome experience for me getting to know them. I was so humbled and honored that they thought I was amazing and such an encouragement to them. The whole time I kept thinking that they were the ones who were so amazing and a huge blessing and encouragement to my life.

I received a card from them yesterday that said the following....

"We really enjoyed our recent opportunity to meet with you! It was great to meet you and spend some time getting to know you better. You encouraged us greatly. We wish you every blessing as you continue to be obedient and follow Christ's calling.........We send this check in hopes it will help you meet the expenses associated with your move and re-location. ~Blessings".

And inside the card was a check for $1000.00!!!!!!!!!

GOD IS SO AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am blown away by their hearts and generous spirits. That gift in and of itself was awesome but what was even more awesome was that I knew this gift came right from the Hand of God. You see I do have some significant financial needs that I often pray to God about. There have been several times that as I prayed through my needs this couple has popped into my head. My response back to myself and to God was pretty much this.....

"I'm not asking them for money! Are you crazy! Who does that! That is way too much to ask and not even right of me to do!!!"

Once again I have to say it, GOD IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!! This couple has no idea what I prayed or how they would pop into my head. When I met them I never asked them for money. I don't even think I communicated any of my needs. My honest and sincere desire was just to meet them and thank them for blessing my life so much.

So, God spoke something very clearly to me. He said "I just want to bless you because I want to bless you. I just want to love you because I love you. You don't have to work for my love."

He spoke right into that unbelief that was deep in my heart. I didn't do anything special for this couple to bless me generously. I am sure that they just did it because they wanted to. It made me think about how Jesus didn't save me because of anything that I did. I didn't earn my salvation. It was a free gift. He died for me because He loved me! He took my place on the cross because he wanted me to spend eternity with Him. He went that far for me, even to death, because of His great unending love for me!!!

He will go great lengths to love you!

Lies and Truths

So, I have been thinking about and feeling all sorts of things lately. Right now my eyes were just filled up with tears as I read some blogs of people I know. I shake my head as I process my thoughts........I need to be closer to God.......that person is close to God....wow, can I experience God like they do?..........I am a loser and a failure in my pursuit of God............I don't read the bible enough........those people must read it every day, every waking hour, every chance they get.......they must discipline themselves to read the Word.........they must love God so much more than I do..........If I truly loved God then I would get in the Word every day.......I must force myself........I won't hear from God otherwise...........how do I expect to hear from God if I'm not constantly reading the Bible............God won't speak to me, answer me or acknowledge me if I don't do a better job of making time for Him............and on and on the thoughts go.

So, are they all lies? I'm sure that's the case.....but I think there is some truth in there too. I am just frustrated. Is my devotional life currently where I would like it to be? No. Am I hard at work to improve my discipline and energy to fight the good fight? Not too much. I get lazy. I get discouraged. Sometimes I unfortunately choose to believe that I am not worth the effort. So I keep running yet another lap. I run through my checklist only to find out that I didn't quite make it today. Everyone else has run the race much faster than me and with far more love and devotion. Sometimes I feel like I am a slow runner or that I am just running in place. So, I just need to do more, right?!

I know that I can get caught up in this web of lies but the web is so sticky.....it's so hard to get out of sometimes. I am unraveling it.....sometimes slower than others but it's unraveling. I am starting again to believe the things that God thinks of me....great things....precious things. I am believing Him and taking Him at His word. I am choosing to believe the awesome things that others say about me. I am believing that I am worth the effort. I am believing that God did not just create me for nothing. I have a wonderful purpose and He is unveiling it to me day by day. You know what? Every single person on this planet is on their own journey. We all have our own things to work through. I am grateful to God that He is working on them with me. He is ultimately in control. I am a very honest struggler AND a mighty warrior in my walk with God. I am real with Him and I do not hide from Him. It's not easy.........but it's good!

Italy Update #2

I wanted to give a quick update from my last post about Italy. Just within the past couple of weeks I have received very encouraging news. One woman named Maria from my beginner's class has been meeting with Pastor Frank and his wife Pam. She is asking a lot of questions and has been reading her bible. Her children, 2 of which also came to the English Clubs, have been coming to the church. Pray for their salvation! Two other students have started coming to church too. And just today I received word from the pastor that since our trip to Torino, 4 people have accepted Christ! God is awesome. I am so thankful for His hands that reach down and save us. AMEN!

Walking Blind and Letting Go of My Vice Grip!!!

I am so desperate and needy. I am so out of control. I am so helpless. So many people in my life say that this is the best place for me to be in my life. They say it's good for me. They say that this is where God wants me. I feel like I am walking blind. Trusting God for me is like walking blind. He asked me to come walk with Him and I have followed. He didn't tell me where He would lead me when I gave my life over to Jesus. He just asked me to follow Him. With all of my heart I want to follow God. Wherever He goes I want to follow in His footsteps. I want to hold His hand and walk with Him.

But God is going everywhere. God is going to the nations. He is beckoning and drawing people to Himself. How can I possibly go everywhere with Him? And yet I want to go to the nations. I want to stand in heaven one day with people from all tribes and nations standing together praising Our Creator God! I am so overwhelmed when I see that picture in my head. It will be amazing. It breaks my heart when I think about how many people there are in this world and the astounding number that don't know Jesus Christ. I don't want people to perish. God doesn't want anyone to perish. He desires for all men to come to Him.

For over three years I have prayed, cried and sought the Lord about my future. This has been a huge process and I have learned so much, been stretched like a rubber band and grown so much through it. I am moving to Boston in August. I truly believe this is a direct answer to prayer. I believe that God indeed is sending me. I have mostly been very excited about this. But as each day draws closer to my departure......I FREAK OUT!!!!!! Trust.......Trust.....TRUST!!!! I can not deny that this is God. If you could crawl into the pages of my journals over the years you would see just how specifically He has answered prayers about my future and moving back to MA. And yet I shouldn't be surprised.......this is God's nature.....He is so awesome!!!

I know He is going ahead of me and preparing the way for my arrival. I know He is going to take care of me and provide for all of my needs....now and when I get there. I know that my life is in His hands and that he can be trusted with everything. But it is so hard for me to not have control. I am the type of person who plans things so thoroughly and way in advance. I like knowing exactly what is going to happen so I can be extremely well prepared. I am very detail oriented and function better with a lot of structure. Well....... I DON'T HAVE ANY OF THAT RIGHT NOW!!!!!! I am moving to Boston without a job lined up. I have no idea what type of job I want. I have dreams of being in ministry but there are so many things that I'm either good at or would love to grow in.....and it is so hard to try to just narrow it down to one particular area of ministry. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up......and I AM grown up. Oh Boy! :-)

My biggest hurdle is fear. I know that God is with me and I have been praying like crazy for Him to increase my faith and to help me to trust Him completely. I know that God wants to bless me and to bless others through me. I know He wants to use me. I am choosing to let go of the vice grip that I have on my life and surrender the control over to Him. This is so hard!!!!!! I know that I could just chicken out and stay here....which has been tempting.......but everything in me.....that little tiny itsy bitsy piece of courage says that I am supposed to go and I can't deny it. I can't turn back now.

So, with the little speck of courage and faith that I can muster up right now........

I say YES! I HEAR YOU GOD! I AM COMING!

Some of my favorite pictures from Italy

Steve, Sarah and Myself being silly
Beginner English Class
This represents crying out against prejudice
I got to sing a song I wrote about my relationship with God at our Texas Cowboys party Me at a beautiful park

Italy Update

Ok-this is probably about the 10th time I have attempted to post an update with pictures and something keeps happening and the post gets lost. So, this probably is a much different update than I originally had and I will work on putting more up throughout the week. I spent the week helping teach a beginner level English Club. I wouldn't say that I love teaching English........it actually stirs up my insecurities. I struggled most of the week feeling very weak and inadequate and that I wasn't doing enough. I really had to battle satan's lies. I am so glad that God uses weak people and that His power is made perfect in weakness.

The smiles on the students faces made it so worth it. They were so humble. Aida, who is 12 years old was especially eager and excited to learn English. Elia was so hungry for new words. We had an outreach party one night and I pretty much spent the entire evening talking with him and teaching him new words. He doesn't think that he does a good job but he does so well and is a quick learner.

Elia encouraged our team so much. He got saved a month ago and is already growing so much in his faith. He has such a hunger for God's word and wants to read it all night long. He desires to put God above everything in his life. When I got back home to the States I was so encouraged to receive an e-mail from him with a video of his baptism. This was bittersweet for me........I was so happy for him but also sad that Jenni & I weren't there to witness it. We could only stay for a week and the rest of the team was there for 2 weeks.

God always does a bigger work in my life than the work that I go there to do. He really worked on my relationship with Him and the importance of spending time with Him everyday and being in His Word. Not only is the Bible His love letter to us but it is spiritual food and weaponry. We are truly useless if we are not getting in the Word. I felt this pressure for days that I was only there for a week and I had to share the gospel with someone and that when I get home people are going to want to hear stories and I better have a good one for them. That was a big lie from satan and it took a while for me to squash it.

You know what.......I didn't get to shared the gospel or my testimony.............but what I did do was share my smile......my laughter.....my warm spirit........I got to meet a need in their lives. I went and did just what God sent me to do. I taught English to the Italians that were hungry to learn. I encouraged them and the staff in our church there. I got to hug them and talk with them. I did exactly what God sent me to do.

Pastor Frank often shared with us that what we were doing was so important and significant. He would say that we may not see results of people being saved right away. It's a process and can sometimes take years. It's about building relationships. One girl named Carmen who is part of the church there now told us about how she went to English Clubs and it wasn't until a year or so after that she got saved. It reminded me how one person sows the seed and another one comes along and waters the seed......and then another comes along and reaps it. I thank God that He is the Lord of the harvest and that He sees fit to use little ole me to help carry the message of the gospel and the love of Jesus Christ.....what an honor!!!

My eyes were opened up so much on this trip. I was so overwhelmed with the thought of how many people there are in this world and how many of them don't know Jesus Christ. I was overwhelmed with the great need for more workers in God's harvest and the reality of how few there really are. I pray and ask God to send out more workers into His harvest and that I will never lose passion for missions. I also saw my heart more clearly in that it isn't just for one specific people group.....it is for all people. I pray that all nations come to know Him.

AMEN!!!

New Friends

Paul-Romania
Elia-Italy
Maria-Romania
Aida (Paul's sister)-Romania
Alessandro-Italy

Italy Bound!

Tomorrow I leave for my short term mission trip to Torino, Italy. I am so excited about our team. Jenni (pictured above with me) and I who work in the GCM office and two girls from Missouri are going with a team from Texas. Some of our team will be doing English Club outreach and some will be doing Muslim outreach. I am excited to be doing English Club outreach. Jenni & I are partners and we will be teaching Beginners. I have never taught beginners before on past mission trips but I've had many cool times just hanging out and talking with beginners during free time. I love them! My heart melts for them! I feel like I have a natural ability to slow things down for them, patience in listening and understanding them and I just plain ole love to encourage them.

I think this trip will be good for me in a lot of ways. One way in particular is that this will be the first time in 3 years that I will not be returning to Poland. I love Poland so much and have had such awesome experiences there and been so blessed by God on my mission trips there. I had prayed for 3 years about moving to Poland to be a missionary but this year the Lord told me that it's not in my long term plans. I grieved that for a while and I am really OK with it now. God has given me great peace about it and has also opened up some pretty huge doors to other great things in my life.

When the opportunity came about to go to Italy, I was really struck with this thought that was so overwhelming......... "You know what, God loves us so much and desires for people everywhere, of all nations, tribes and tongues to have a relationship with Himself through His son Jesus Christ." I want that to be so fresh in my mind every single day for as long as I live. Jesus is the Living Hope. I have that Living Hope in my life. I want to share this with others. I can no longer possibly even imagine living this life without God. I am so glad He came to save me. I am so glad He came to love me and set me free.

Here are some facts about the city of Torino:
* Torino is the fourth largest city in Italy with its population nearing 2.2 million, of which 94,000 are students at the University of Torino.
* Although Italy has a rich Christian history, sadly many Italians have abandoned their country’s foundational Christian roots. For many Italians, the Bible has become obsolete and irrelevant.
* Cults and occultism have engulfed their society, making Torino the second largest center for occult activities in the entire world.
* By trying to fill their spiritual void with materialism and sensuality, many Italian families have been severely damaged or completely torn apart.

I am thrilled to have the opportunity to go and be a light to Italian students who:
* Are agnostics or atheists and disillusioned with organized religion.
* Come from dysfunctional families where parents provide little moral or emotional guidance.
* Are convinced truth is relative.
* Believe friendships are important, but rarely experience close relationships.

Over the years I have asked God to help me to love people more like Jesus loved them. Although I am a very loving person, I realize how hard it is for me to love like Jesus loved. His love for us took Him to the cross where He took our rightful place and bore our sins upon Himself and died so that we might have life eternally with the Father. This was His greatest act of love. I want people everywhere to know how much God loves them. “Anyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. But how can they call on him to save them unless they believe in him? And how can they believe in him if they have never heard about him? And how can they hear about him unless someone tells them? And how will anyone go and tell them without being sent?” (Romans 10:13-15)

Please join me in praying that God would be preparing the hearts of those in Italy that we’ll encounter, that their ears would be open to hearing the Word of God and their eyes would see Jesus-The Way, The Truth and The Life! One thing that I am specifically praying for is that God would bring some girls my way that are very broken. I have such a heart for broken people whose lives have been ravaged by numerous things, whether it be by abuse, addictions, loss, etc. I have experienced God's miraculous love, healing, forgiveness, hope and restoration in my own life and would love to share with them that Jesus loves them and hears them. His heart and my heart breaks for them. I want them to know that just as Jesus restored and redeemed my life that He can do the same for them.

Please pray for our whole team, for fun and sucessful English Clubs and Muslim outreach, team unity, that we would be an encouragement to the missionaries laboring in Torino, safe travel and good health, awesome connecting times with students, boldness in sharing the gospel, salvations and that God would do a mighty work in us and through us. One thing that I am praying for myself is that God would accomplish in me whatever He wants to accomplish. I am praying that He does something new in my life and renews me.

I pray that His will be done, Amen!

Family Reunion

I went up to Massachusetts over Memorial Day weekend for a family reunion on my mom's side and to visit some friends. It was a really good yet short visit. It was cool to see so many relatives, many of which I didn't know and had never seen before. I was amazed at how many people in my family are either musicians, singers or both. So I think I get my musical sense from both my mom's & dad's family. Music and singing is just in my blood. You know I had hyped up this trip a lot and really prayed for opportunities to share my life and the gospel with my family and friends. And you know...none of that happened...there wasn't even any real spiritual conversations.

One really cool thing was that my cousin Rainelle (Melissa's mom) looked really good and happy. I commented on how good she looked and she said that "It must be my new boyfriend, Jesus." :-) That was so cool to hear. She got saved just a few months ago. So....I was thinking that it's OK that nothing spiritually big happened on my visit.....things like that aren't always going to happen and that's OK...it's building. I had a great time in Boston with Mike & Melissa and seeing where I'll be living.....I felt like I got more clarity on things.....Melissa and I had a good time with Jen and her kids and with Roy. Building is good......there's nothing wrong with building....you have to start somewhere.

Some pictures from my Family Reunion in Massachusetts

My niece Mercedes with cousin Jessica

My cousin Melissa with our friend Roy
My mom with Aunt Gail
My cousin Rainelle, my mom and my cousin Melanie
My friend Jen and her daughter Madison

The Blessing of Unexpectedness

The pictures below are from my nephew Evan's 2nd birthday party this past March. My mom had family in town visiting from Massachusetts. It was really cool for me to get to hang out with them. I especially enjoyed talks with my cousin Cindy......about God...our family....etc. It was awesome to go to church together. I am very glad that she was so blessed and touched by God while she was here.

I also got to hang out with my Uncle Jerry and his wife Barbara whom I haven't seen in many years. It was nice hearing Jerry greet me with "There's my little Indian girl." He has called me that since I was a little girl. I was happy that my Aunt Gail came too. She was sick most of the time but I hope in a lot of ways the visit was good for her. She lost her daughter Dee Dee (who was also like her best friend) to cancer a couple years ago.

So on the day of Evan's birthday party....Cindy & I had just got home from church and got into this really great talk with my mom and Aunt Gail about church, God, the Bible and the importance of them all. Cindy was so touched by God that morning and was so overjoyed and cried a lot to my mom, encouraging her to go sometime. What really tugged hard on my heart was the need for really good churches back home and Cindy's clear need and desire for one.

So as we were talking my mom checked a voice mail message that she received. She got off the phone and said to me, "That was Goy and Tony, they are here in Orlando and said that they would like to see us." I was blown away and couldn't believe it. Here is some background for you. Tony is one of my uncle's on my dad's side (Caraballo's) and Goy is his son. The last time I saw my father was when I was 10 and then he died when I was 13. I have not had a relationship with the Caraballo's pretty much since then. The last time I saw them was at my dad's funeral.

For many years I have had the desire to know them....know more about the Caraballo family history...know more about my dad....about being half Puerto Rican, etc. This desire grew much stronger after I came to know Jesus Christ. I know that my identity is found in Christ but there has been a part of my earthly identity that I feel has been missing for too many years. I wanted to find that missing part of myself and I really wanted them to know how much God loves them and desires to have a relationship with them.

So back in 2003 I searched for them online and found some names and addresses and got together with my family here in Orlando and we got in contact with my Aunt Nery. I did arrange two meetings with them that unfortunately fell though.....and 2 years ago I just gave it to God and prayed that if they wanted a relationship with us that they would pursue us. I felt that I couldn't do anything else other than that.

So of all times and of all days, when we had family visiting from MA and we were all gathered to celebrate my nephew's birthday........they came.......Tony and Goy came. It was like a scene from a movie. There was so much joy, surprise, clearing up misunderstandings, talking, dancing, laughing, sharing........LOVE! They seemed to be so attentive to me.....kept looking at me and touching my face, telling me how beautiful I was and how much I looked like Grandmother Megalina, whom I never knew, she died before I was born.

It was an incredible time but not long enough. I will treasure that visit. God gave me that. It was totally unexpected and it was such a blessing. God is so good and sweet and loving. He is so HONORING! God has opened up this door to the Caraballo's. I am so happy. I pray that He continues to open up the hearts of my family and friends and continues to grow my heart in the process.

Family Photos

Me & my Uncle Tony..... It's crazy how much we look alike. My sisters kept calling us twins! :-)A picture of my family at my nephew Evan's 2nd birthday party this past March. Below are my parents, Stan & Rhonda, 3 sisters, Maria, Sondra & Laura, My niece and nephew, Evan & Isabella, My Aunt Gail & Cousin Cindy, My Uncle Tony & Cousin Jose "Goy" & His Uncle Nelson
My Uncle Tony dancing with my niece Mercedes
My sister Laura dancing with Uncle Tony
Tony dancing with Isabella and Laura dancing with Evan

Radiant

Exodus 34:29 (NIV)

When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the Testimony in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the LORD.

This verse really struck me today. It's interesting....I was going to write about how I now have "graylights" in my hair. You know how some people put highlights in their hair, like blonde or red. Well, since I have newly discovered that I have a patch of gray hair, I'd like to say that I have graylights. :-) So I wonder....what do people do when they get gray hair? I guess one option would be to color my hair but I have never really liked coloring my hair. I like it just how it is. And then I thought.... You know what....I have earned those graylights...that took a lot of time and work. :-)

Then a picture of Moses popped into my head. I thought of how when he came down Mount Sinai his hair was a dazzling gleaming white. Out of curiosity I looked up the verse above and then realized that it wasn't his hair that was gleaming....it was his face. I think I had the movie version in my head. :-) At any rate, I was amazed by what the verse said. Wow....Moses' face was Radiant from speaking with the LORD!

Hmm, when was the last time my face was radiant because I had been speaking with the Lord?

Father God~ I pray that I make the choice every day to sit in your presence and let your love penetrate my heart. Help me to push every hindrance aside, every distraction, every false god, and may I feast with the King~Jesus, My Savior, My Redeemer, My Lover, the one who rescued me from the pit, the one who has washed me clean and has given me a new name.

I want to be radiant! Do you?

I will bless you.....and you will be a blessing!

Well, here I am. I have wanted to start a blog for quite some time now. I hope to be able to communicate from my heart here.......freshly and honestly. It is my desire to share some of my thoughts and dreams.......and to invite you to take a glimpse into my life's journey. I am all about being real and don't like to sugar-coat anything. I hope that as you read through these posts- you laugh, cry, shout, rejoice, contemplate, wonder, engage, and become more aware of the awesomeness of your creator, God. I am sure that a lot of what will probably get posted on here will be excerpts from my journal. It is a great memorial of all that God has done and is continuing to do in and through my life. He has used it to speak into others lives so many times. I pray that just as in Genesis 12:2.....that not only would God bless me, but that I would be a blessing to your life as well.