I haven't posted an update in a while and trust me-it hasn't been due to lack of material! There's so much I want to blog about that it's hard to find a starting point. I have been inspired to write off and on but then don't because I am tired or don't feel like it at the moment. So here are some random tidbits until I get into my full blogging swing again.
It's really cold-so cold that when I walk to the subway in the morning it feels like the insides of my nostrils have frozen up. It's a weird sensation. And I pray-"Lord-please help me, please God help me get through this." Then I remember how I still need to buy earmuffs and a hat or something....even if it's one of those dorky looking hats with built in ear cover things-hey fashion doesn't matter at this point-if it keeps me warm it's good for me!
I LOVE THE WORD OF GOD!!! It has been so explosive! I am getting more out of the bible and understanding it in a way that I never have before. This is awesome! I have been filling my little "verse book" up and treasure being able to write at least one down during my 15 minute lunch break. I began reading in Timothy and I just kept on going....I'm in the Peter letters now. I love the Peter letters-they are ones that I treasured and loved to read when I was a brand new baby believer. It's been really awesome to find my special verses again. Also, God has been using the word to do some "tough love" on me. It hasn't been fun taking a close look at myself and the things of my sin nature but I thank God that He loves me in spite of it and still died for me-to set me free. Thank you God for your amazing love!
Church is awesome. I love the folks there-especially this older lady named Mary. I have taken quite a liking to her and we have great talks. I have made some friends there and I love hanging out with them and playing games. I love work-it's cool. Mom, Maria & Evan will be here soon!!!! They should be arriving in about a week-woohoo!!! I can't wait to tackle them down with kisses and hugs! Evan is so gonna get some lovin' from his auntie! I'll probably spend the last 2 weeks of February in western MA staying with my mom and helping them get settled into their new house. I'm sure I'll get to see Jen, Arnaldo, Roy and Becky too so that'll be cool. I totally see God moving-especially in Roy-I see changes man!
I'm still dreaming big and God is continually taking out His paintbrush and adding more colorful strokes to my life's canvas. I'm sitting back and watching Him create His masterpiece. It's not done yet but boy is it quite an incredible work in progress!
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Blessed beyond imagination.....
My dear sweet Jesus-My Bridegroom, has poured out His adoring love and blessings all over me and bathed me in the lavishness of His righteousness. I can not fully express to Him with accurate words just how much He has done for me-how much I love Him because He first loved me. So I am telling Him with the gaze of my eyes towards His beautiful face. I am telling Him with my tears of joy which I gladly offer to Him. And I am telling Him with the sunrise of my smile.Thank you Jesus...my sweet Jesus...my Prince.
I am also thanking God for the dear saints who have been praying for me.....who have stood in the gap for me, knees probably calloused, as they have fought for me.....Thank you!!! I love you with all of my heart!!!
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. ~Ephesians 3:14-21
God gave me the job at Harvard-what's more is I believe I was hand-picked for it. There have been so many times in my life that I've gotten frustrated about not knowing what God was doing, but this is one of those times that I'm actually excited about not knowing! Crazy!
I am excited about the works of His hands and how He will unfold the plans that He has for my life right before my very eyes as I wait expectantly and am captivated by His every move.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Happiness-Life is Good!
I am just so peaceful, happy and content with my life right now. I love being here in MA. Every night I go to bed with complete ease and wake up each morning so peaceful.
"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety." -Psalm 4:8
Actually most mornings I wake up thanking God for this. I thank him a lot for my bed.....well actually it's only partly my bed. I only have a mattress but one of my cousin's friends (who stayed with her before I moved in) left their box spring and mattress here until they can get it. The bed frame is missing a wheel so I can't use it......so I have two mattresses on top of the box spring which is on the floor and it is sooooooo comfortable! I never want to get out of bed! I will be sad when they need their bed back because it has brought me much relief from my lower back pain on my left side. I don't think I've woken up with back pain since I've slept in that bed. Thank you God! I have also not suffered from insomnia since I've been here either. Over the past 2 years I have had a lot of trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, but not anymore. Praise God!
I know that it is from "The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, that guards my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:7
There is so much peace in being in and doing God's will......in obeying him when he asks you to do something-even if it doesn't always seem to make sense to you. It's funny, just this evening someone asked me why I moved (back) here from Florida? My response was, "God." It was an interesting 30 seconds or so after that as they kind of laughed and thought I was joking and said, "God told you to move here?!" Again I said yes and assured them that I wasn't joking.....my cousins smiled and laughed in agreement with me. God is so wild-I love it! I know God called me here and backed his Words up with a Promise. He made this promise to Jacob after Jacob stole his brother Esau's blessing and then fled to Paddan-Aram. The Lord led me to this passage in a very creative way back in April '06 and I have believed him and clung to his Promise for Me.....
“I am the Lord, the God of your grandfather Abraham, and the God of your father, Isaac. The ground you are lying on belongs to you. I am giving it to you and your descendants. Your descendants will be as numerous as the dust of the earth! They will spread out in all directions—to the west and the east, to the north and the south. And all the families of the earth will be blessed through you and your descendants. What’s more, I am with you, and I will protect you wherever you go. One day I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have finished giving you everything I have promised you.” -Genesis 28:13-15
In my reading today I came across another passage of scripture that leapt off of the page and into my heart. I have replaced Abraham's name with my own as I felt the Lord was saying my name. I believe God has called me out by name and set me apart for this:
"And the Lord said, Shall I hide from Sarha [My friend and servant] what I am going to do, Since Sarha shall surely become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed through her and shall bless themselves by her? For I have known (chosen, acknowledged) her [as My own], so that she may teach and command her children and the sons of her house after her to keep the way of the Lord and to do what is just and righteous, so that the Lord may bring Sarha what He has promised her." -Genesis 18:17-19 (Amplified Bible)
I love God so much. He is dear, sweet, thoughtful and faithful. I am in such a good place in my life. I am believing Him for a new job at Harvard-it's looking very good, they are on the last process-a background check. I have been attending a Messianic congregation which I have come to really enjoy. I am learning so much of the Word of God there. It has opened me up in many ways.....helping to free me up in worship. They have started a dance group that teaches traditional Jewish dances which they do during praise & worship. I have always wanted to dance during worship but always felt way too bound up and self-conscious to be free enough to dance. I now feel that I have a significant desire to worship and celebrate God through dance and am really thinking about joining the group. This is huge for me. I am a fun person, don't get me wrong, but I am also way uptight when it comes to things like this....especially when it involves being in public view.
I've also started to open up to other things and really enjoy them. These things may seem trivial to some people but I know myself very well and these things are milestones for me:
1. Ate Indian Cuisine for the 1st time and loved it.
2. Bought AND read an almost 500 page book with my cousin called "Redeeming Love", based on the book of Hosea from which my "life verse" (Hosea 2:19-20) comes from. I encourage everyone to read this book. It is absolutely amazing! I wish I had tons of money so I could buy the book and give it to the whole world. God's redemptive love is mighty, powerful and captivating!
3. Like my cousin's dog & cat to the point where I actually pet, hold and cuddle with them!
4. Learning & playing board games that require thinking and strategy. I have always been more of a Phase 10, Skip Bo, Uno kind of girl so this was a stretch for me. I now like the board games so much that I've gone to bed & woken up thinking about them and asked my cousins and their friends if they want to play more games.
5. Changed my daily food intake to pretty much an all natural and organic diet. Drinking more water. Only had soda once over the course of a month. Cut out fast food. Drinking more tea. On a whole I'm eating healthier and taking better care of my body. I've lost 3 pounds since the start of the year! :-)
6. Asked a lady at church if she'd like some company when I noticed we were both sitting by ourselves in two different rows of seats.....so I went and sat with her.
7. Voluntarily introduced myself to one of my cousin's friends without feeling shy or uncomfortable.
8. Not feeling sad at all about being away from my family when they're going through so much and instead trusting God and remaining joyful in all circumstances.
9. For the most part looking forward to learning & taking the T (subway).
10. Openness to getting out and exploring my new surroundings.
11. Didn't freak out when going out in public places or meeting new people without having done my hair & make-up and dressed "bummy"......and felt beautiful.
12. Being confident, believing in myself and whole-heartedly believing God without doubts, fears or reservations.
I look forward to all the ways the Lord is going to open my heart up to new things. He is freeing me more and more each and every day.
To Sarha who had believed him, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciple. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." -John 8:31-32
"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety." -Psalm 4:8
Actually most mornings I wake up thanking God for this. I thank him a lot for my bed.....well actually it's only partly my bed. I only have a mattress but one of my cousin's friends (who stayed with her before I moved in) left their box spring and mattress here until they can get it. The bed frame is missing a wheel so I can't use it......so I have two mattresses on top of the box spring which is on the floor and it is sooooooo comfortable! I never want to get out of bed! I will be sad when they need their bed back because it has brought me much relief from my lower back pain on my left side. I don't think I've woken up with back pain since I've slept in that bed. Thank you God! I have also not suffered from insomnia since I've been here either. Over the past 2 years I have had a lot of trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, but not anymore. Praise God!
I know that it is from "The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, that guards my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:7
There is so much peace in being in and doing God's will......in obeying him when he asks you to do something-even if it doesn't always seem to make sense to you. It's funny, just this evening someone asked me why I moved (back) here from Florida? My response was, "God." It was an interesting 30 seconds or so after that as they kind of laughed and thought I was joking and said, "God told you to move here?!" Again I said yes and assured them that I wasn't joking.....my cousins smiled and laughed in agreement with me. God is so wild-I love it! I know God called me here and backed his Words up with a Promise. He made this promise to Jacob after Jacob stole his brother Esau's blessing and then fled to Paddan-Aram. The Lord led me to this passage in a very creative way back in April '06 and I have believed him and clung to his Promise for Me.....
“I am the Lord, the God of your grandfather Abraham, and the God of your father, Isaac. The ground you are lying on belongs to you. I am giving it to you and your descendants. Your descendants will be as numerous as the dust of the earth! They will spread out in all directions—to the west and the east, to the north and the south. And all the families of the earth will be blessed through you and your descendants. What’s more, I am with you, and I will protect you wherever you go. One day I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have finished giving you everything I have promised you.” -Genesis 28:13-15
In my reading today I came across another passage of scripture that leapt off of the page and into my heart. I have replaced Abraham's name with my own as I felt the Lord was saying my name. I believe God has called me out by name and set me apart for this:
"And the Lord said, Shall I hide from Sarha [My friend and servant] what I am going to do, Since Sarha shall surely become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed through her and shall bless themselves by her? For I have known (chosen, acknowledged) her [as My own], so that she may teach and command her children and the sons of her house after her to keep the way of the Lord and to do what is just and righteous, so that the Lord may bring Sarha what He has promised her." -Genesis 18:17-19 (Amplified Bible)
I love God so much. He is dear, sweet, thoughtful and faithful. I am in such a good place in my life. I am believing Him for a new job at Harvard-it's looking very good, they are on the last process-a background check. I have been attending a Messianic congregation which I have come to really enjoy. I am learning so much of the Word of God there. It has opened me up in many ways.....helping to free me up in worship. They have started a dance group that teaches traditional Jewish dances which they do during praise & worship. I have always wanted to dance during worship but always felt way too bound up and self-conscious to be free enough to dance. I now feel that I have a significant desire to worship and celebrate God through dance and am really thinking about joining the group. This is huge for me. I am a fun person, don't get me wrong, but I am also way uptight when it comes to things like this....especially when it involves being in public view.
I've also started to open up to other things and really enjoy them. These things may seem trivial to some people but I know myself very well and these things are milestones for me:
1. Ate Indian Cuisine for the 1st time and loved it.
2. Bought AND read an almost 500 page book with my cousin called "Redeeming Love", based on the book of Hosea from which my "life verse" (Hosea 2:19-20) comes from. I encourage everyone to read this book. It is absolutely amazing! I wish I had tons of money so I could buy the book and give it to the whole world. God's redemptive love is mighty, powerful and captivating!
3. Like my cousin's dog & cat to the point where I actually pet, hold and cuddle with them!
4. Learning & playing board games that require thinking and strategy. I have always been more of a Phase 10, Skip Bo, Uno kind of girl so this was a stretch for me. I now like the board games so much that I've gone to bed & woken up thinking about them and asked my cousins and their friends if they want to play more games.
5. Changed my daily food intake to pretty much an all natural and organic diet. Drinking more water. Only had soda once over the course of a month. Cut out fast food. Drinking more tea. On a whole I'm eating healthier and taking better care of my body. I've lost 3 pounds since the start of the year! :-)
6. Asked a lady at church if she'd like some company when I noticed we were both sitting by ourselves in two different rows of seats.....so I went and sat with her.
7. Voluntarily introduced myself to one of my cousin's friends without feeling shy or uncomfortable.
8. Not feeling sad at all about being away from my family when they're going through so much and instead trusting God and remaining joyful in all circumstances.
9. For the most part looking forward to learning & taking the T (subway).
10. Openness to getting out and exploring my new surroundings.
11. Didn't freak out when going out in public places or meeting new people without having done my hair & make-up and dressed "bummy"......and felt beautiful.
12. Being confident, believing in myself and whole-heartedly believing God without doubts, fears or reservations.
I look forward to all the ways the Lord is going to open my heart up to new things. He is freeing me more and more each and every day.
To Sarha who had believed him, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciple. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." -John 8:31-32
Monday, January 08, 2007
Personality Test
I don't really ever take little online tests or surveys but I decided to do this one just for fun. I must say it is actually pretty accurate about my personality. If you get bored or curious sometime you should take it too.
| Your Five Factor Personality Profile |
 You have medium extroversion.You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness.You're generally good at balancing work and play.When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness.You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly.Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone.You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism.You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium.You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue. |
Five Factor Personality Test
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Boston: Take 2
I am back in Boston (North Quincy) and so happy to be here. I'm also excited about a very good potential job opportunity that I have at Harvard University. I have a 2nd interview on January 5th! During the past four months that I spent back in Orlando I learned so much about myself and the plans that God has for me. I was glad to be able to help my family & my sister and to spend time with her. God has been really close and sweet to my family. We all have experienced Him so much more than ever. Joy truly does come in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)Earlier this year God had confirmed many times my moving to Boston..... but in the midst of everything that was going on: the hard, emotional and not long enough adjustment period in Boston, the severity of my sister's cancer and going back to Orlando to be with my family...... I doubted God-and I doubted Him a lot! I grew distant from Him and was very confused about my life. I didn't know what to believe or even if I wanted to believe anything again. Why get my hopes up? But, I knew God loved me and that I was His child. I knew God had put a call on my life regardless if I knew exactly what that was or not. I chose to believe Him and take Him at His word. I had to believe Him. So, I spent 4 months wrestling with God and would not let go of Him until He blessed me. (Genesis 32:26)
It's so cool, God has brought back old verses that He's used to speak to me before when I've been faced with making big life changing decisions. He's also spoken new words to me and given me an inside view from His perspective. I'd like to share some of His words here.
God spoke:
"Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God." (Luke 9:60)
I replied:
"Okay Lord, I hear you. I will go."
God spoke:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." (James 1:2-8)
I replied:
"I don't want to be a wave Lord. I want to be a rock!"
God spoke:
"Then the Lord said, “You feel sorry about the plant, though you did nothing to put it there. It came quickly and died quickly. But Nineveh (Boston) has more than 120,000 people living in spiritual darkness, not to mention all the animals. Shouldn’t I feel sorry for such a great city?” (Jonah 4:10-11)
I replied:
"Here am I, send me!"
I have learned to stop and let the Lord speak to me. To listen attentively to Him and then respond.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Merry Christmas-Our Savior is Born!!!
Isaiah 9:1-7 (NIV)
To Us a Child Is Born:
Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress. In the past he humbled the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the future he will honor Galilee of the Gentiles, by the way of the sea, along the Jordan-
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned. You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as men rejoice when dividing the plunder. For as in the day of Midian's defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor. Every warrior's boot used in battle and every garment rolled in blood will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire.
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this.
Luke 2:1-20 (NIV)
The Birth of Jesus:
In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.
So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.
The Shepherds and the Angels:
And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests." When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about." So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.
When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.
To Us a Child Is Born:
Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress. In the past he humbled the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the future he will honor Galilee of the Gentiles, by the way of the sea, along the Jordan-
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned. You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as men rejoice when dividing the plunder. For as in the day of Midian's defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor. Every warrior's boot used in battle and every garment rolled in blood will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire.
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this.
Luke 2:1-20 (NIV)
The Birth of Jesus:
In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.
So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.
The Shepherds and the Angels:
And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests." When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about." So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.
When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I'm a silly monkey...
How can I hear God when I fill my ears with other voices?How can I see God when I don't cast my eyes toward His gaze?
How can I speak to Him when my lips drip with foulness?
|
There's a worm in my apple: I gotta get him out!
I have had a really rotten attitude lately and it is getting on my nerves...literally. My mood has been horrendous. I have been miserable and negative and have not been the most pleasant person to be around. To be honest, I have been a beast.When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you..... Psalm 73:21-22
My heart is grieved with many things: my sister's cancer, added responsibility of caretaking and helping my family, not being in Boston, trying not to lose sight of my dreams, telling myself to hold tight to them and feeling like God has forgotten me and failed to step into action.
I know that God IS bigger than my heartache, doubt, fears, ugliness and utter beastliness. Even when I lay around in my smelly trash heap attitude, He still loves me. I can't flee from His love.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever..... Psalm 73:23-26
I'm also starting to wake up and remember that I have a great Enemy who loves when I am vulnerable and hurting..... and hopes that just maybe I might leave a door open for him to get in.
My heart is grieved with many things: my sister's cancer, added responsibility of caretaking and helping my family, not being in Boston, trying not to lose sight of my dreams, telling myself to hold tight to them and feeling like God has forgotten me and failed to step into action.
I know that God IS bigger than my heartache, doubt, fears, ugliness and utter beastliness. Even when I lay around in my smelly trash heap attitude, He still loves me. I can't flee from His love.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever..... Psalm 73:23-26
I'm also starting to wake up and remember that I have a great Enemy who loves when I am vulnerable and hurting..... and hopes that just maybe I might leave a door open for him to get in.
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith..... 1 Peter 5:8-9
I need to stand my ground and cling to God, remembering that He is bigger than my enemy. Jesus is my Advocate and fights on my behalf. And the enemy better watch out 'cause his Victor is coming!
For thus says the LORD of hosts, "After glory He has sent me against the nations which plunder you, for he who touches you, touches the apple of His eye. "For behold, I will raise My hand over them so that they will be plunder for their slaves. Then you will know that the LORD Almighty has sent Me..... Zechariah 2:8-9
Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes. Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings from the wicked who assail me, from my mortal enemies who surround me..... Psalm 17:7-9
In a desert land he found me, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded me and cared for me; he guarded me as the apple of his eye,
like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions.
Deuteronomy 32:10-11
I love God's Word. It speaks for itself.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Things I'm feeling... in no particular order.
Anticipating God's goodness & blessings.
Stripped & Empty: Where has the joy and fire gone?
Surrendering: My body is crushed under the weight of my burdens.....so I unclentch my fists, lift my cares up to you oh Lord and by your grace alone I choose to leave them in your hands. 
Hopeless & Forgotten: I need God to lift my head.
Desperate & Depleted: Please God, restore to me the joy of my salvation!
I want to feel your breath as you whisper secrets in my ear. I want to feel your heart beat as you hold me. I can't live a day without you. Please revive me with your touch and breathe your life into me again. |
I don't understand God right now.
Tonight I went to my old job's Christmas party. I was glad to be there and see people that I've missed. But, it ended up being a pretty weepy night for me. I cried a lot as people asked about my sister....even cried on a friends chest as she hugged me and another friend held my hand. I felt other emotions during the party too. Like I had been quickly forgotten about after having spent nearly 4 years working alongside these people. I cared about and loved those people very much. There are really only a very small few who have kept up with me and really seem to care.
One thought that passed through my mind a lot was "Wow, this room full of people know what my family and I have been going through and I never even once received a card or anything from the office." I just feel that I gave so much to this organization and I don't even feel that they care. I'm still weeping and wish God would just fix all of this. Please God just heal my sister. Restore her life. Patch our family back up again. I don't understand God. I know he's sovereign. I know he's just. I'm not mad at him but I just don't know what to think. I wish he'd break his silence.
One thought that passed through my mind a lot was "Wow, this room full of people know what my family and I have been going through and I never even once received a card or anything from the office." I just feel that I gave so much to this organization and I don't even feel that they care. I'm still weeping and wish God would just fix all of this. Please God just heal my sister. Restore her life. Patch our family back up again. I don't understand God. I know he's sovereign. I know he's just. I'm not mad at him but I just don't know what to think. I wish he'd break his silence.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Some pictures that make me smile...
Evan & Isabella at Thanksgiving: Life at the kiddie table
Evan loves helping Grandma decorate, especially for Christmas
Mom and her girls at Thanksgiving: Me, Laura, Mom, Sondra and Maria
I love Batman!!!
Who you lookin' at?
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Pressing On
Well, I feel like I've been trudging through the mud for the past few months and it's caked on me pretty good. Even though things have been really hard I'm pressing on and moving forward, cracking off the clay as I go. My family situation has been weighing on me a lot. We have had one challenge after another. There are a lot of responsibilities that have been distributed amongst us and it is tiring.
I have also been confused about my life. Since I have been back in Orlando I've been crying out to God and really seeking Him for answers. I very much want to be in Massachusetts. I still believe that God prepared and sent me there. While I was there I did have a very hard time. I was very sad, scared and lonely. But, I didn't have enough time to adjust through all of that. I was only in Boston for just under one month. Due to my fears I did want to go back to Orlando, then my sister got sick and I was back.
Could I have stayed in Boston? Sure. But you see my family is very close. We stick together through thick and thin. I don't really feel like it was an option for me to stay in Boston with Maria being sick. For me that would be like turning my back on my family. So I am here and I'm now staying with Maria and my nephew Evan and Maria is doing really well.
I've wrestled with God so much while I've been here. I have reflected a lot on this past year and the things that God has taken me through and spoken to me. When I got back to Orlando I was going through a whirlwind of emotions and did communicate to people that I felt that the whole move was a mistake and that I was glad to be back in Orlando. I even said to my family that I didn't want to go back to Boston. But since I've been here Boston hasn't left my heart. This makes me think of a story that a missionary friend of mine (who is from the Ukraine but ministering in Poland) told me a couple years ago. He compared his heart for Poland and the Ukraine to a sailor who "When he's out to sea he misses the land and when he's on land he misses the sea."
I wonder if I am only supposed to be back here to help Maria while she is going through her treatments. I also wonder a lot if my family and friends think that I am double-minded and keep going back and forth about Massachusetts. Then I just get frustrated and think that I care way too much about what others do or do not think about me. My ultimate goal is to please God and I want to know His thoughts.
So my days pretty much consist of helping my sister by taking her to appointments, running errands, helping her with Evan and anything else she needs. I had a job interview a few weeks ago but I was not selected for the position. I'm not really sad about that at all. I told God going into it that if it was where I was supposed to be then I would be there. Plus, if I were working full time right now it would be more challenging for my sister to get to appointments and such. If it is God's will for me to start working, even if it's part time then it'll happen.
One thing that has been pretty cool is that I am on a good bible reading schedule. Mon-Fri while I wait for Maria to come out of her treatment I read the bible, pray, worship and journal. I really do see more clearly now how God's word is truly my lifeline. I wanted to share some scriptures that have helped me throughout this challenging time.
Proverbs 19:20-21 (NIV)
Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
Lord, truly my hearts desire is for your purpose to prevail.
2 Peter 1:5-8 (NLT)
In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God's promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Lord, I seek after all those good things. I see how you are helping me to grow.
1 Peter 1:6-7 (NLT)
So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-although your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
Father, although the testing hurts please continue to refine me and mold me into who I truly am. Increase my faith and make me stronger. I know you are a good Daddy.
James 3:17-18 (NLT)
But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.
God, thank you that your word is the Truth! Thank you that I can count on you all the time. Thank you that the word that goes out from your mouth does not return to you empty, but will accomplish what you desire and achieve the purpose for which you sent it. (Isaiah 55:11 NIV)
I am encouraged by these verses and am holding onto them as I try my best to be still and patiently wait for God to show me what's next.
I have also been confused about my life. Since I have been back in Orlando I've been crying out to God and really seeking Him for answers. I very much want to be in Massachusetts. I still believe that God prepared and sent me there. While I was there I did have a very hard time. I was very sad, scared and lonely. But, I didn't have enough time to adjust through all of that. I was only in Boston for just under one month. Due to my fears I did want to go back to Orlando, then my sister got sick and I was back.
Could I have stayed in Boston? Sure. But you see my family is very close. We stick together through thick and thin. I don't really feel like it was an option for me to stay in Boston with Maria being sick. For me that would be like turning my back on my family. So I am here and I'm now staying with Maria and my nephew Evan and Maria is doing really well.
I've wrestled with God so much while I've been here. I have reflected a lot on this past year and the things that God has taken me through and spoken to me. When I got back to Orlando I was going through a whirlwind of emotions and did communicate to people that I felt that the whole move was a mistake and that I was glad to be back in Orlando. I even said to my family that I didn't want to go back to Boston. But since I've been here Boston hasn't left my heart. This makes me think of a story that a missionary friend of mine (who is from the Ukraine but ministering in Poland) told me a couple years ago. He compared his heart for Poland and the Ukraine to a sailor who "When he's out to sea he misses the land and when he's on land he misses the sea."
I wonder if I am only supposed to be back here to help Maria while she is going through her treatments. I also wonder a lot if my family and friends think that I am double-minded and keep going back and forth about Massachusetts. Then I just get frustrated and think that I care way too much about what others do or do not think about me. My ultimate goal is to please God and I want to know His thoughts.
So my days pretty much consist of helping my sister by taking her to appointments, running errands, helping her with Evan and anything else she needs. I had a job interview a few weeks ago but I was not selected for the position. I'm not really sad about that at all. I told God going into it that if it was where I was supposed to be then I would be there. Plus, if I were working full time right now it would be more challenging for my sister to get to appointments and such. If it is God's will for me to start working, even if it's part time then it'll happen.
One thing that has been pretty cool is that I am on a good bible reading schedule. Mon-Fri while I wait for Maria to come out of her treatment I read the bible, pray, worship and journal. I really do see more clearly now how God's word is truly my lifeline. I wanted to share some scriptures that have helped me throughout this challenging time.
Proverbs 19:20-21 (NIV)
Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
Lord, truly my hearts desire is for your purpose to prevail.
2 Peter 1:5-8 (NLT)
In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God's promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Lord, I seek after all those good things. I see how you are helping me to grow.
1 Peter 1:6-7 (NLT)
So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-although your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
Father, although the testing hurts please continue to refine me and mold me into who I truly am. Increase my faith and make me stronger. I know you are a good Daddy.
James 3:17-18 (NLT)
But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.
God, thank you that your word is the Truth! Thank you that I can count on you all the time. Thank you that the word that goes out from your mouth does not return to you empty, but will accomplish what you desire and achieve the purpose for which you sent it. (Isaiah 55:11 NIV)
I am encouraged by these verses and am holding onto them as I try my best to be still and patiently wait for God to show me what's next.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Not much to say...
Hello. :-) I don't really have much to write about. I am kind of just existing. This all feels sort of like a dream. I really want God to heal my sister. The family is hanging in there. Dad got some family medical leave for ten days and people from Laura's work donated some of their time off to her so that she could be out of work and spend more time together as a family. Kayla turned 13 and we just had her birthday party today. I started going to a Lifegroup that I really like. I know that no matter what happens or how I feel on any given day....that I NEED to be in community and fellowship with other believers. The body of Christ is a lifeline for me. I don't know where my life is headed right now. There's no pressure on me but I'd really like to get a good glimpse of something.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring......I just hope it's something good.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring......I just hope it's something good.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Coming Around
Well, I'm finding that with time things get better. I am doing a lot better than I was in my last post. Regret, mistake, loser and failure have left the building. They were just some pretty negative words that needed to come crashing down......and they did. I'm coming around. I've started applying for jobs.....hopefully in a ministry again. I want to make an eternal difference. The family is doing good. I love them so much but living with them has its challenges. I'm thinking that staying with them for now is OK....maybe for a few months......but I'm longing for some good ole Christian roommate fellowship. I am really excited about a verse I read yesterday that just totally reaffirmed me.
Ephesians 4:1 (NLT)
Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God.
Man, this is so good! I want to lead a life worthy of my calling. I've always wanted that! I have started praying about this more......beseeching God.....asking Him what my calling is. And even though I don't really think I know right now.....that's OK. Just a few months ago I was angry with God and finally unveiled some junk that was in my heart to Him. I was angry because I felt that I didn't have a purpose......I didn't know what it was.....and I felt that God wasn't showing me. I'm not angry with Him anymore and I am really OK with not knowing right now because the second part of that verse says, 'For you HAVE been called by God.' Those words jumped right out of the bible and into my mind, heart and spirit.
I'm greatly comforted and assured knowing that I have been called by God!
I am coming alive again.
Ephesians 4:1 (NLT)
Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God.
Man, this is so good! I want to lead a life worthy of my calling. I've always wanted that! I have started praying about this more......beseeching God.....asking Him what my calling is. And even though I don't really think I know right now.....that's OK. Just a few months ago I was angry with God and finally unveiled some junk that was in my heart to Him. I was angry because I felt that I didn't have a purpose......I didn't know what it was.....and I felt that God wasn't showing me. I'm not angry with Him anymore and I am really OK with not knowing right now because the second part of that verse says, 'For you HAVE been called by God.' Those words jumped right out of the bible and into my mind, heart and spirit.
I'm greatly comforted and assured knowing that I have been called by God!
I am coming alive again.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Thoughts and Feelings
First off I'd like to say that my sister Maria is doing awesome. She is in great hands with God and her doctor. Everything has just been amazing with her. She has had 2 brain surgeries and a radiation treatment so far and she isn't in any pain and hasn't really complained at all. I am seriously so amazed and really awed by God in how He is clearly watching over and taking such good care of her. She has been covered head to toe in the prayers of so many people who love her and by those who have only heard about her but are committed to praying for her and my family. I am just thrilled!!!
I have had much to think about since I've been home in Orlando. You know, being alone with your thoughts for a long time isn't necessarily a good thing......at least in my case. I wish my mind would just rest all ready. I have really been struggling with feeling embarrassed and like a failure........like I've really messed up my life. I've been pretty confused and restless. Everyday that I spent in MA was hard. I would wake up each day feeling like I had made a huge mistake. I tried to work through it....looked for jobs...went on some interviews.......asked God to help me like Boston......but it really didn't get better. I honestly did want to go home and I really wondered if God really sent me to Boston. I started praying and asking God about going home......and then I got the news about my sister.......and then I was home.
So I wrestle with my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to go home but I didn't want her sickness to be my "out". I am happy to be home though.....glad to be able to help my sister and my family. It's been nice to see some of my friends again too. One of my friends said that he was "really impressed at how the Lord had prepared and sent me back to Orlando for such a time as this" and that "I'm not sure why the Lord had you go to Boston except to free you up from things here locally so that you'd be in a better position to serve your family"....... and went on to say that "It's evident that you are the spiritual anchor for Maria and your family". I do not see myself as a spiritual anchor but I do have a relationship with God and I'm trying to walk with Him daily.
I am struggling with deep regret. I regret leaving my job at GCM and moving to Boston. I know that I felt so sure about Boston and everyone was so excited and I believed at one point that God did send me there. Sometimes I get really excited about things and I want to run with it.....but maybe it wasn't the right time.....maybe I was only supposed to go for the length of time I was there.....maybe God wanted to break me away from everything familiar in order to break through some fears and prepare me for something else.....who knows. God knows that I want the Boston church plant to happen but maybe I'm not supposed to actually be a part of it...like actually living there. Maybe my role was just to let the church plant team know how I've been praying for it to happen and to get them on board and excited about it....maybe I was just supposed to be a point person for them. Maybe I'm just supposed to support them in prayer.
One thing that has really encouraged me is that I had the courage to leave Orlando. I went through a long process and allowed God to work in my life and break through fears and moved in spite of my fears of the unknown. That takes a lot!!!!! A friend told me that like 95% (or something like that) of the people in this world don't make any changes or try things because of fear and that I am so courageous because I still went and didn't cower in that fear. So here I am back home. I'm glad to be here to help support my family. I'm starting over again but that's OK. I'm in a good place right now and things could've been much worse.
I really need to count my blessings. The Lord has never abandoned me. I would love to go back to work for GCM if they have anything available but we'll see what happens. I am going back to church and small group and I'll probably be checking out a lifegroup soon. I really need Christian community and satan would just love for me to sit in depression and convince me that people think that I failed and are disappointed with me. That's a big load of crap and I know it.
One thing that I've been really impressed with are two verses that God is reminding me of......
2 Cor 2:12-16
Now when I went to Troas to preach the gospel of Christ and found that the Lord had opened a door for me, I still had no peace of mind, because I did not find my brother Titus there. So I said good-bye to them and went on to Macedonia. But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life.
Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
God opened up a door for Paul to go to Troas and he went but had no peace of mind because he couldn't find his brother Titus. So he left and went to Macedonia. But even though he left the place that God had opened a door for him to go.......God STILL led him in triumphal procession in Christ!!! Even in Macedonia God used him to spread everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of God and to be the aroma to Christ. I also see that no matter what happens....whatever circumstance I'm in....God always has my back....He always has my best interest in hand.....He will ALWAYS work it out for my good. Why? BECAUSE HE LOVES ME! There doesn't have to be any other reason than that. He loves me. There is nothing too big or hard for Him. There's nothing that He can't handle. He is a mighty God and I don't have to be a big woop-dee-doo person for Him or do some amazing thing for Him. He just wants me.....just as I am and right where I'm at.
That is freeing.
I have had much to think about since I've been home in Orlando. You know, being alone with your thoughts for a long time isn't necessarily a good thing......at least in my case. I wish my mind would just rest all ready. I have really been struggling with feeling embarrassed and like a failure........like I've really messed up my life. I've been pretty confused and restless. Everyday that I spent in MA was hard. I would wake up each day feeling like I had made a huge mistake. I tried to work through it....looked for jobs...went on some interviews.......asked God to help me like Boston......but it really didn't get better. I honestly did want to go home and I really wondered if God really sent me to Boston. I started praying and asking God about going home......and then I got the news about my sister.......and then I was home.
So I wrestle with my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to go home but I didn't want her sickness to be my "out". I am happy to be home though.....glad to be able to help my sister and my family. It's been nice to see some of my friends again too. One of my friends said that he was "really impressed at how the Lord had prepared and sent me back to Orlando for such a time as this" and that "I'm not sure why the Lord had you go to Boston except to free you up from things here locally so that you'd be in a better position to serve your family"....... and went on to say that "It's evident that you are the spiritual anchor for Maria and your family". I do not see myself as a spiritual anchor but I do have a relationship with God and I'm trying to walk with Him daily.
I am struggling with deep regret. I regret leaving my job at GCM and moving to Boston. I know that I felt so sure about Boston and everyone was so excited and I believed at one point that God did send me there. Sometimes I get really excited about things and I want to run with it.....but maybe it wasn't the right time.....maybe I was only supposed to go for the length of time I was there.....maybe God wanted to break me away from everything familiar in order to break through some fears and prepare me for something else.....who knows. God knows that I want the Boston church plant to happen but maybe I'm not supposed to actually be a part of it...like actually living there. Maybe my role was just to let the church plant team know how I've been praying for it to happen and to get them on board and excited about it....maybe I was just supposed to be a point person for them. Maybe I'm just supposed to support them in prayer.
One thing that has really encouraged me is that I had the courage to leave Orlando. I went through a long process and allowed God to work in my life and break through fears and moved in spite of my fears of the unknown. That takes a lot!!!!! A friend told me that like 95% (or something like that) of the people in this world don't make any changes or try things because of fear and that I am so courageous because I still went and didn't cower in that fear. So here I am back home. I'm glad to be here to help support my family. I'm starting over again but that's OK. I'm in a good place right now and things could've been much worse.
I really need to count my blessings. The Lord has never abandoned me. I would love to go back to work for GCM if they have anything available but we'll see what happens. I am going back to church and small group and I'll probably be checking out a lifegroup soon. I really need Christian community and satan would just love for me to sit in depression and convince me that people think that I failed and are disappointed with me. That's a big load of crap and I know it.
One thing that I've been really impressed with are two verses that God is reminding me of......
2 Cor 2:12-16
Now when I went to Troas to preach the gospel of Christ and found that the Lord had opened a door for me, I still had no peace of mind, because I did not find my brother Titus there. So I said good-bye to them and went on to Macedonia. But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life.
Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
God opened up a door for Paul to go to Troas and he went but had no peace of mind because he couldn't find his brother Titus. So he left and went to Macedonia. But even though he left the place that God had opened a door for him to go.......God STILL led him in triumphal procession in Christ!!! Even in Macedonia God used him to spread everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of God and to be the aroma to Christ. I also see that no matter what happens....whatever circumstance I'm in....God always has my back....He always has my best interest in hand.....He will ALWAYS work it out for my good. Why? BECAUSE HE LOVES ME! There doesn't have to be any other reason than that. He loves me. There is nothing too big or hard for Him. There's nothing that He can't handle. He is a mighty God and I don't have to be a big woop-dee-doo person for Him or do some amazing thing for Him. He just wants me.....just as I am and right where I'm at.
That is freeing.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
My sister Maria
Thank you all for your prayers, love and support. Maria had her 2nd surgery on Wed which will enable more fluid to drain from her brain. The surgery went very well and Maria told my mom that she actually felt better that day then she did the previous day. It was determined that Maria does have cancer and it is in the 4th stage. It looks like she's had it for about 5 months but they are glad they caught it now. It also looks like the cancer is contained and not attached to anything. As far as we know Maria will be able to come home from the hospital this Friday. Then she will be scheduled for 1 radiation treatment followed by 4 weeks (1 time per week) of chemo. After that they will test her and see where everything is at.
We are all feeling very positive, her doctor, our family and Maria. Her doctor specializes in this field and is very positive and hopeful for Maria. Please continue to pray for God's healing and that He would use this to draw Maria and our whole family closer to Him. Please pray for me too, I have been feeling really weak in my faith and spiritually numb lately. I have been distracted and haven't gotten time with God like I should. I know that I am no good to myself or anyone else without God active in my daily life. Please pray for a big change in my heart and for God to show me what's truly important and vital. Thank you!
We are all feeling very positive, her doctor, our family and Maria. Her doctor specializes in this field and is very positive and hopeful for Maria. Please continue to pray for God's healing and that He would use this to draw Maria and our whole family closer to Him. Please pray for me too, I have been feeling really weak in my faith and spiritually numb lately. I have been distracted and haven't gotten time with God like I should. I know that I am no good to myself or anyone else without God active in my daily life. Please pray for a big change in my heart and for God to show me what's truly important and vital. Thank you!
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Quick update on Maria
Maria is looking good. A biopsy was done yesterday but the tumor on top of her head is so embedded that they can't get to it. This morning she went in for another CAT scan but I haven't heard anything yet today. Maria does have a tube literally in her brain draining fluid out. When I saw her last night she looked good and was even cracking some jokes. She naturally does not want to be in the hospital and is getting depressed. I'll let you know more as news comes in. Thank you all for your prayers. God bless you!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
My Sister....and Coming Home
My sister Maria has been in the hospital this week. She first was complaining of severe headaches and would see her Dr. about that and they would just give her more pain meds. It finally got so bad that she brought herself to the emergency room. It was there that the Drs. discovered that she had swelling of the brain and fluid on her brain. She was then flown by helicopter to Florida hospital where she is in ICU. They did a spinal tap yesterday to drain fluid. My mom called me this morning to tell me that today they found lesions on her brain. They have to do surgery this Friday. My mom told me that Maria said she really wants me to come home and that she needs my support and help especially during her recovery. Please pray for my sister and my family. My mom has been taking care of my nephew and I think she's trying to be strong for everyone. This morning she bought plane tickets for me and my cousin Cindy to go to Orlando. At this point I don't know what my future plans are......to eventually go back to MA or to stay in FL. Please pray for my sister's healing, comfort for my family and for discernment for me.
God is with us.
God is with us.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Getting Better Each Day...
Hello World :-)
Here's a quick update from my last post. I was really down and at a very low point when I last wrote. Things really do get better each day. Today I had my first job interview and I think it went OK. It's for a development Assistant-Gift Processing position at Tufts-New England Medical Center in China Town. A lot of the job description looks similar to what I did at GCM except for the development stuff but I am very teachable and will learn it. I go back on Friday to meet with the hiring manager so we'll see what happens. I'm still going through a bit of doubt, confusion, fear and insecurity and I wish I would just feel normal already. I haven't been connecting with God as much as I'd like. I really want that to change and hope it does soon.
I've been sensing this week that I don't have to force myself through things......for example it is OK for me to grieve right now. I mean c'mon.....I literally left the life that I knew in Orlando....my family, friends, job, church, car, furniture......everything. I left all the comforts of home and it is OK, good and normal for me to grieve that loss. Also I'm seeing that I don't have to instantly zap myself into happy and excited mode. I seriously have to tell myself to just take things one day at a time. God is with me and loves me and will not abandon me. I was reminded the other day of one thing that I had been saying months before moving to MA......"God would not lead me somewhere and then tell me to fend for myself!" I'm glad that popped into my head again. I had forgotten about that.
The Truth is awesome.
Here's a quick update from my last post. I was really down and at a very low point when I last wrote. Things really do get better each day. Today I had my first job interview and I think it went OK. It's for a development Assistant-Gift Processing position at Tufts-New England Medical Center in China Town. A lot of the job description looks similar to what I did at GCM except for the development stuff but I am very teachable and will learn it. I go back on Friday to meet with the hiring manager so we'll see what happens. I'm still going through a bit of doubt, confusion, fear and insecurity and I wish I would just feel normal already. I haven't been connecting with God as much as I'd like. I really want that to change and hope it does soon.
I've been sensing this week that I don't have to force myself through things......for example it is OK for me to grieve right now. I mean c'mon.....I literally left the life that I knew in Orlando....my family, friends, job, church, car, furniture......everything. I left all the comforts of home and it is OK, good and normal for me to grieve that loss. Also I'm seeing that I don't have to instantly zap myself into happy and excited mode. I seriously have to tell myself to just take things one day at a time. God is with me and loves me and will not abandon me. I was reminded the other day of one thing that I had been saying months before moving to MA......"God would not lead me somewhere and then tell me to fend for myself!" I'm glad that popped into my head again. I had forgotten about that.
The Truth is awesome.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Frustrated!
I am really frustrated and just want to throw in the towel on this whole Boston thing. I am sick of feeling discouraged and conflicted. I really need God to speak to me. I need Him alone to tell me why I am here and if He really sent me here. I am confused. This week is better than last week in that I didn't cry the whole time. I just don't know what's real and what's not right now. I don't know if I can even trust my own emotions. All I want to do right now is pack up and go back home to Orlando. This just isn't what I thought it would be. I don't know if I made a mistake or if this is natural or what. I feel like I left the best thing possible in Orlando and for what? What did I do this for? I felt so completely confident earlier this year about this whole move. I believe God spoke to me in some huge ways. I go back through my journal entries this year and I know God was working and moving in my life. I felt so sure about Boston. Now I am not so sure. I don't know what to be sure about. I am really frustrated and discouraged and God is truly to only one I can cling to. I mean I have my cousin here and I can talk to my family & friends on the phone.....but it's not the same. I desperately need God to help me here. I kind of feel like this is a test....where I put into practice everything I've learned and believe about God.......and even though I know (head knowledge) that God is going to take care of me and is powerful and will work everything out........I feel so weak and afraid. So as of today I just want to go back home and find a job there. I'd have the support of my family & friends and I would just plain ole be back home.
I need God alone to tell me what to do.
I need God alone to tell me what to do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
