Loss

Family belongings strewn across the driveway and garage.

Yard Sale.

Memories so old.

Clothes worn by loved ones.

Movies watched and music played.

Maria's candelabras.

Her household decorations.

I just can't use them. I've already taken so much.

Mom's old sewing machine and artwork I grew up looking at.

Leaving.

It's all leaving.

They are all leaving.

I am losing my family......

ALL

OVER

AGAIN.

Thank you GOD for sending Jay to me at just the right time. I don't know what I'd do without him. I need his comfort and love. Thank you for being so kind and sending more sunshine into my life.

I am not alone.

YOU

ARE

HERE

WITH

ME!!!

Pics from Melissa's Murder Mystery Dinner Party 5/2/08

"Bodyguard Jay & Desert Flower"Sarha aka "Desert Flower"
Us :-)
More Us :-)
The (hot) Hat Kiss LOL :-)

Jay & Sarha sitting in a tree...K.I.S.S.I.N.G.

Many asked.....so finally....here are our first "couple" pictures. Aren't we just so adorable! Yeah, I think so. We're pretty awesome. :-)

Yeah, Yeah......it's been a while!!!

In no particular order, here goes an update.....

JAY AND LESSONS FROM THE LORD:

He is awesome. We are doing great. We are seeing just how much work it takes for a relationship to be healthy and successful!!! Never in my life have I put forth so much care and effort and being mindful of my mate's needs before my own selfish desires. I can honestly say that this is the first Real Christian relationship that I've been in. I have said for years that, "Next time, I am doing it God's way!" It's awesome to see that Jay's heart is in the same place. We won't compromise.

One thing that is a bit vulnerable to share but I will share it anyways because I think it could help some people out.....Jay is a virgin and I am not. I come with a past but I have been made new and clean by the life saving and giving blood of Jesus Christ. Jay used to always say that he would never be with a girl that wasn't a virgin. He says that he feels differently with me though and he knows that God has changed me and made me like a "born again virgin." So I am OK that he is a virgin and he's OK that I am not. However, I aint even gonna try to lie.....purity is really flippin' hard!!!!! Oh my GOD, help us!!!!! LOL Let me just say, we have seen that kissing (especially w/ tongue) is a "Gateway Drug".....it leads to other things.....either doing them or lustfully thinking about doing them!!!!! RUN TO THE HILLS!!!!!!!!

This is why GOD gave me this verse very early on in our relationship.....

Song of Solomon 8:4

4 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.

I didn't get it when GOD told me that. I mean I took it as He was saying that we couldn't be together or that it wouldn't work. He wasn't saying that at all. He literally was telling me not to arouse or awaken love UNTIL it so desires. So when is UNTIL? Until = MARRIAGE.....

IT IS UNITING...

Genesis 2:23-24

23 The man said,
"This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,'
for she was taken out of man."

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

IT IS HONORABLE, HOLY, PURE AND SACRED...

Hebrews 13:4

4Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

IT IS TO SET A GODLY EXAMPLE AND WITNESS...

1 Timothy 4:11-12

11Command and teach these things. 12Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

IT IS TO PROTECT AND KEEP US FROM TEMPTATION AND SIN...

Matthew 26:41

41 "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."

James 1:13-15

13 When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

IT IS FOR OUR GOOD, THAT WE MAY SHARE IN GOD'S HOLINESS...

Hebrews 12:1-12

God Disciplines His Sons

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13"Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

MY NEW ROOMMATE, SANDRA:

She rocks the "Hi-zouseeee!".....as I like to say. :-) God was VERY purposeful in putting us in each others lives!!! We have so much fun together and definitely DON'T act our age. LOL :-) To be honest, there is a big part of her that is so familiar to me....that really hits close to home. She reminds me of Tara.....even right down to Diet Pepsi!!! There are aspects of her past that mirror Tara's and my heart can identify and hurt when she hurts and rejoice when she rejoices. One thing that these true women of GOD have that is so amazing to see is......COURAGE!!!! Even when life can seem to hand you "hell on earth", they still keep up their courage and press on. I wish the road wasn't so long, hard, excruciating, dark and lonely at times. I wish I understood their struggles more. But the awesome thing about it is this.....GOD comforts us in our struggles so that we in turn can comfort others in theirs.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

The God of All Comfort

3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

MY CONGREGATION, SHA'AR HASHAMAYIM:

I love this family that I have become a part of. I continue to learn so much about GOD and understand the Holy Scriptures so much better. God's word IS living and active!!!! God's WORD-YESHUA IS LIFE!!!!! I feel like I am in bible school, which is good and something that I've wanted. I am actually still considering bible school but I don't have the money for it. We'll see what God does. I know that if He wants me to do something....that He ALWAYS provides a way for me to do it, I am confident about that. I love singing on the worship team and learning more Hebrew and Messianic songs. I am making more friends too which is awesome. I seriously have such a wide range of friends that come from all different walks of life. That is another thing that I love about this congregation. The people come from all different backgrounds.....it makes it so rich and beautiful! We learn a lot from each other and really pull through as a tight family when someone is in need or hurting. Thank you God!!! I continue to grow in confidence in my new role as Treasurer for the congregation. I understand that I am much harder on myself and I need to, as Rabbi Henry says, "Just relax, it's really no big deal." And you know what, it isn't. There are some challenges to it but I enjoy it and am growing.

MY FAMILY:

Well.....my parents and Evan are moving back to their home in Orlando, FL. around September. As sad as this makes me and I feel like I am losing my family all over again......I understand. Mom and Dad are having a really hard time since Maria passed away. Mom said that the only reason they moved back here was to try and save Maria's life. Also, they are renting out their house in Orlando and the tenants are wrecking it, so they need to get them out. And Dad really needs to retire. I'm pretty sure that Sondra and her girls will follow them back to Orlando. We'll see what happens with that. I would be the only one left in Massachusetts. I am OK with that though. I know that this is exactly where God wants me to be. I grow more and more confident of that every day as He continually gives me more and more glimpses into His promises for my future. The one thing that I am happy about is that Laura will have most of her family back as she is the last one left in Florida. My heart is glad for their reunion. And hey, I will visit frequently (I hope) and be able to stay with them. I'll also be able to see all my Floridian friends....I miss them all so much!!!

Matthew 19:27-30

27Peter answered him, "We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?"

28Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. 30But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

MY JOB:

They like me and actually just the other day commended me on "A Job Well Done!" So that was pretty cool. I do like my job and am getting to know the people better.....but there's still something missing. I know that something missing is GOD. I think I am the only Christian there...at least that I know of. I miss having the support of others and being able to stop and pray with them. My job pays the bills but honestly it doesn't provide much more than that financially. With just moving in a new apt and having other added bills......I can't really save for anything with what I'm making. I mean the hourly rate is AWESOME, but I don't get enough hours and they can't offer me anything more. So, I have thought about looking elsewhere within Harvard. That way I can keep the same benefits and they really are an exceptional place to work for and have a lot to offer. We'll see what happens. I need to really pray about it.

See ya lataaaaaaaa......

OK, that's enough of an update for now. I know there is more but I'm running on fumes right now. I am so thankful for the LORD'S friendship though. He is with me everyday.....even if I'm not drawing as close to Him as I should be.....he still actively pursues me and draws closer to me.

Thank you GOD for always extending your arms of love.....

Happy..........

and In Love.


I am at my parents for the weekend.

Jay is with me.

He met my family for the first time and although he felt nervous at first, so far everything has been completely natural and really good. Thank you GOD!

I love that Jay loves my cooking.

That also makes me feel loved back.

He comforts me in a way that I've never been comforted.

I've been missing my sister Maria a lot lately and have found it hard to talk about her without crying.

He lets me cry.

He touches me on the shoulder or strokes my hair.

He holds me and just listens.

He doesn't try to fix me.....because he can't.....only God can and he knows that.

He just lets me be and that also makes me feel loved.

He takes care of me so well. He lays his hands on me and prays for me when I'm sick or hurting.

He challenges me and tells me like it is. And I do the same in return.

Our friendship is unconditional.

His purity encourages me and causes me to keep pressing on in the strength of my purity and the promised hope of marriage and the blessing of when "The two shall become one."

Thank you God for this "blind-sided surprise!"

For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

Psalm 57:10

Update!!!

Where do I begin?! So much has already happened this month. I'll just jump right in.

Sandra and I moved into our new home in Quincy Center on Feb. 1st. It is absolutely amazingly awesome and beautiful! We are so happy!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!

My congregation, Sha'ar Hashamayim is AMAZING! IT IS MY HOME!!!!! THANK YOU AGAIN GOD!!!!!

Jay is a breath of fresh air. We fit. He is amazing and I have never been so happy with anyone before as I am with him. THIS IS REAL!!!!!!! We get so much closer as each day passes. And as each day passes I wonder how I went so long without him in my life. We are right and so good for each other. We spur each other on and encourgage one another in our walks with the Lord. We pray for each other and hold each other accountable. Again, we fit!!! He is my best friend and the missing peice of my heart. I stand amazed at God's goodness and all the amazing ways that He blesses and suprises His children. God definitely rewards Faith and Obedience!!!!!!!

Again and again and again.......

THANK YOU GOD!!!!!

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!
His faithful love endures forever!

Psalm 118:1

Changes

There are a lot of changes happening in my life right now.

With open arms I welcome them.

Unafraid because the LORD himself has been preparing me for a while now.

I stand amazed at His goodness and grace.

Isaiah 43:15-19

15 I am the LORD, your Holy One,
Israel's Creator, your King."

16 This is what the LORD says—
he who made a way through the sea,
a path through the mighty waters,

17 who drew out the chariots and horses,
the army and reinforcements together,
and they lay there, never to rise again,
extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:

18 "Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

I got a new soul-mate friend, Jay (note to self: Sarha, when God speaks-listen and obey. He knows what He's doing and has good things in store for me. "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires!" Song of Solomon 8:4)

After a little over a year, last Friday I became a member of my congregation, Sha'ar Hashamayim. I am also their new Treasurer. I am so honored and blessed to be a part of this incredible family. I am truly HOME!

I just had my One Year Anniversary with Harvard Magazine and was asked to take on a new role in addition to my Gift Processing duties. The Classifieds Department's sole financial person. This is a great opportunity and I am genuinely excited to learn new things. I am also growing in confidence daily as I gain more knowledge for the future.

I am finally in a good place in my life where I truly value bettering my health. This is no longer a life long "New Year's Resolution" but a REAL way of life for me. I haven't been super restrictive but I am just choosing foods more wisely and staying away from "carb central". I know that when I board the carb train, it ends up taking me for a long ride and then decides to stay with me. So, I naturally have gotten better with lowering my carb intake. I've also cut out "emotional junk food fests" and instead I ask myself, "Am I really hungry, What's the real problem?" When I diagnose the problem properly then I can learn to treat it in the right way. I've also been walking a lot. It has helped that Melissa, Mike, Jay and I have been a team and a good support for each other. I still have a long way to go but I am ecstatic that for the 1st time in I don't actually know how many years, I am under 200 pounds! I currently weigh in at 197 and last year I got to my highest of 218! Thank you God for giving me the strength, courage, desire and stamina to keep moving forward!!!

I just got a new big, beautiful and so Sarha friendly apartment in Quincy Center with my friend and new roommate Sandra from church. God totally EXCEEDED my expectations with this place!!! It is on the 2nd floor of a two family house, has a 3 season sun room, a small back porch and large common area deck downstairs with a big bench and grill, tons of windows that let in lots of natural light which keeps the energy costs low, spacious living room, dining room and kitchen, brand new dishwasher, garbage disposal, toilet and bathroom sink and vanity, central air/heat, 2 ceiling fan/light fixtures, built in dining room hutch, newer berber looking carpet, our own laundry room right off the kitchen-no more going down to a basement to do laundry!, new paint, 2 good sized bedrooms and our own parking lot. The location is awesome! I will still be close enough where I can walk to the subway and not have to drive! The neighborhood is great and quiet with parks, restaurants and shops nearby. We are so excited to move in February 1st!!!!! I haven't had my "own place" since Heather Glen days back in Orlando. I MISS YOU TARA!!!!!!

God is so close to my heart. I feel the warmth of His touch as He holds my life in His hands, treasuring every moment with me and knowing that this is only the start of a Life Eternal with His Beloved!

Deuteronomy 33:12

12 "Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him,
for he shields him all day long,
and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders."

No, really...we're "just friends", right???

Lately, it seems to be as if Jay & I are the newest movie featured on the Lifetime channel (as Mike puts it LOL). We've been good acquaintances for over a year through church, then I think in late November we just seemed to discover each other out of nowhere. Where the heck did he come from? Better yet, how did he fly under the radar without me detecting his awesomeness? LOL. It has been interesting. Since late Nov/early Dec we have spent almost every day either together or talking on the phone...um or both. :-) We found out that just when we thought we were so different...we were the same in so many cool ways. We just genuinely enjoy each others friendship and getting to know each other more as each day passes. We have gone on a couple dates and had some "snuggle fests", which later proved to be a bit much-Oops!

Unfortunately, you don't know how things are going to go until you experience them. I am so thankful for learning experiences, in the present and in hindsight. As a woman, well I guess I should not generalize women and say, For Sarha-it is hard not to let my heart jump ahead of my mind. My heart really started to feel a lot of things for Jay in just a months time-which freaked both of us out. I had NEVER felt those emotions for ANY man before in my entire life. IT WAS WEIRD!!!!! So, understandably that freaked Jay out. Initially I was DEVASTATED that his heart didn't match mine. He also did admit to unintentionally leading me on. To me it seemed as if we were both on the same page, at least outwardly. So, when we had "the talk", it came out that he felt like things were moving too fast and he feels bad that it takes him longer to "get there".

So, after that talk we have still been talking and hanging out but there haven't been any "snuggle fests", LOL. Which now I do see as being a good thing. We've even started a new healthier way of eating (along with Mike & Melissa) and are encouraging each other to live a better lifestyle. Jay & I are walking buddies too. I think we make a good team. :-) We are friends foremost but are still open to the possibility of becoming more. Only time and God will tell.

It is what it is.

And it is SO GOOD!!!

"Just Friends" and Lessons I've learned from God...

Jay & I are just friends and I am surprising really OK with that. I can confidently say that it is God and God alone who is definitely helping me out with this. The LORD has really protected and shielded my heart.....even when I wasn't guarding it as well as I should have. I am extremely grateful for my continued friendship with Jay and the many wonderful things we shared and taught each other. It is what it is Jay Jay!!!!! :-) I also wanted to share just some of the many lessons the LORD has been teaching me lately through HIS WORD!!! They are pretty lengthy but definitely worth the read. I pray in the Life Giving and Powerful Name of our Holy Lord Jesus Christ, that you are strengthened and built up in your walk with HIM!!!

Jeremiah 17:5-10

5 This is what the LORD says:
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

6 He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

7 "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

8 He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

9 The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?

10 "I the LORD search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward a man according to his conduct,
according to what his deeds deserve."

Song of Solomon 8:4

4 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.

Proverbs 15:32-33

32 He who ignores discipline despises himself,
but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.

33 The fear of the LORD teaches a man wisdom,
and humility comes before honor.

1 Peter 3:8-9

8Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 9Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

Acts 11:19-24

19Now those who had been scattered by the persecution in connection with Stephen traveled as far as Phoenicia, Cyprus and Antioch, telling the message only to Jews. 20Some of them, however, men from Cyprus and Cyrene, went to Antioch and began to speak to Greeks also, telling them the good news about the Lord Jesus. 21The Lord's hand was with them, and a great number of people believed and turned to the Lord.

22News of this reached the ears of the church at Jerusalem, and they sent Barnabas to Antioch. 23When he arrived and saw the evidence of the grace of God, he was glad and encouraged them all to remain true to the Lord with all their hearts. 24He was a good man, full of the Holy Spirit and faith, and a great number of people were brought to the Lord.

Acts 20:23-24

23I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. 24However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

1 Corinthians 15:9-11

9For I am the least of the apostles and do not even deserve to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. 10But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. 11Whether, then, it was I or they, this is what we preach, and this is what you believed.

1 Thessalonians 5:10-11

10He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him.
11Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Hebrews 3:12-14

12See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. 13But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. 14We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first.

2 Peter 1:5-8

5For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 4:3-5, 18-21

3I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. 4My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. 5Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.

18Some of you have become arrogant, as if I were not coming to you. 19But I will come to you very soon, if the Lord is willing, and then I will find out not only how these arrogant people are talking, but what power they have. 20For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power. 21What do you prefer? Shall I come to you with a whip, or in love and with a gentle spirit?

Ephesians 4:1-6, 11-16

1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 4There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— 5one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

11It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, 12to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up 13until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

14Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. 15Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. 16From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

From my journal. 1-2-08 Wed 2:40pm.

God-first of all-I praise you. I thank you for everything. The highs and lows of my life. The love you've shown me is incredible. I am not meaning to seem prideful when I say this but I used to not feel like I deserved your love or was worthy of it. Now-I not only feel that I am worthy of and deserve your love-but I truly believe it! You are my bridegroom and nobody on the face of this earth will ever be that or take your place. Not even my future husband someday. Not even my future children. Not even the church. Not even missions. No desire of my heart will EVER be greater than my love for you and my desire to know you more intimately everyday. You are the love of my life, my all, my great romance. I love you. I love you! I love you!

There are several things on my heart-the main thing is Jay Jay. I love him and I'm not sorry for it. He is my brother. He is my best friend. I love him like I love my family. He is the missing piece that I didn't fully know I needed. Right now his heart doesn't match where mine is at and that's OK. He's not doing anything wrong. We are just moving at different paces. That's human. That's normal. Help me Lord to guard my heart as best as I can being a woman who is an emotional, sensitive, hugely affectionate love bug. Help me to stop before I know I should stop and help me to be prepared before moving forward.

Above all things LORD-You are my Master, my Maker, my Daddy and my Bridegroom. You have the key to my heart that only Jesus owns.

I LOVE YOU!
Sarha

Who is Jay?.....

someone asked.

Jay is my new BFF or as he says BFL (best friend for life) :-) ;-P >:o)

We have known each other for a year now. We go to the same congregation and he is one of Mike's (my cousin Melissa's husband) best friends.

Jay rocks-literally!

He is a great musician and writer. He plays electric and acoustic guitar, bass and has messed around with the drums some. He has written a lot of his own music and is currently the bassist for "Preachers", a Christian punk band with Mike and Pat. He plays for The King of Kings!!!

Jay is soooooooo metal that it practically seeps from his pores! hahahahaha

God has such a great sense of humor with us! We could not be more opposite! Yeah, so it's basically pretty awesome. :-)

Right now I guess we are "undefined" and we're OK with that.

We are best friends. We have feelings for each other. We talk until the wee hours of the night, for some reason it always seems to be around or past 2am when we are saying goodbye-Yikes! Can you say COFFEE?! hahaha

We can talk to each other about anything and without fear.

We trust each other.

He gives great "hubba hubba" hugs! :oP

God is our common thread, the golden fiber that is weaving our friendship together.

God first in all things.

We love, cherish and honor HIM.

God has put us in each other's lives.....

For such a time as this!

Godfrey

It was very crowded this morning on the subway. The snow and cold from the night before and the remnants of it today brought more people on the trains. Usually I get a seat right away but it wasn't until I got to Park Street that I was able to sit down. I slid over one seat which allowed for an older African man to sit down. He took his seat beside me and said, "Thank you. How are you this morning?" We then proceeded to make a little small talk which is something I rarely ever find myself engaging in when riding the T.

After the silence broke up our small talk, I took out my bible and began to read in Psalms from where I left off the day before. As I was reading, I happened to notice out of the corner of my eye how worn this gentleman's hands were and he moved them around every so often. I kept reading my bible hoping that it would spark his curiosity and maybe God would spark an interest in his heart for Jesus. After many stops later, I reached my Harvard destination and closed my bible and placed it back into my purse. Then the gentleman said to me, "That's good." And to my surprise, without any hesitation I said, "You have to arm yourself with the Word of God every day." He said, "That's right."

Even though we had reached our destination and were getting off the train, we kept talking. In a brief time span of about 3 minutes I shared my Christmas plans and about the loss of my sister. He had so much compassion in his eyes. I really felt it. Then he shook my hand. I asked for his name and he said, "Godfrey." I then introduced myself and we shook hands again. When we got off the platform we said our goodbyes and gave each other God's blessings and he reached out and hugged me! It was incredible! I felt like he was an angel sent by God. As I headed up the escalator I heard singing. When I got to the top there was a huge choir singing, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", right there in the subway station! It was the most beautiful thing I've heard in a long time. They sounded so angelic.

My heart is touched.

The LORD is good.

He rejoices over me with singing.

Guarding My Heart With Mesh.....

Instead Of Stone.

Above all else, guard your heart,

for it is the wellspring of life.

(Proverbs 4:23 )

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:

Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

(Song of Solomon 8:4)

God this is hard.

But it is so beautiful.

Please walk with Jay and I as we journey down this road together,

not fully knowing where it's leading,

surrendering our hopes and dreams to you.....

Our Creator who knit us together in our mother's womb,

Who has all our days ordained in Your Book,

Will our stories meet in the middle and finish together?

I don't know.

I don't have to know right now.....

You will make it clear.

Your timing is perfect.

All we have to do is continue to walk alongside you,

keeping ourselves open to Your Will.

My hands are empty,

waiting to be filled.

I stand.

A lady in waiting.

Just close your eyes.....

and it'll go way.....it'll get better.

Sometimes when I find myself in pain, heartache or deep longing.......it helps to just close my eyes.

After work today I "took myself out" to a movie. I went to see "Dan in Real Life" and I highly recommend it. I won't share a lot of details in case any of you go see it. But I will say this......it made me really feel. It made me want to cling a lot longer to the promised hope of my future husband. It caused me to not waver in believing without a doubt what the Lord told me when I was driving in my car about 2 years ago. He told me, "You're getting married.....he's coming soon."

I have been going through an intensely deep longing period lately. I'm "missing" my husband. I don't know where he is, who he is, what he'll look like or be like.....but I am so excited to meet him. My heart is very heavy. I've been describing it as a woman whose husband has gone off to war and she stands at the window to keep watch for his safe return home.

I've also been sad about no longer having my big sis around. I miss her a lot and have been struggling to remember what she looked like when she was well. I try hard to envision her in my mind and sometimes have to get a picture of her. I am afraid that I'll forget what she looks like. Last night I held a picture of her on my chest and talked to her.....telling her how much I love and miss her. I put her picture on my nightstand and held my hand out to hold hers. Then I dreamt about her. I just saw her face. She turned to look at me and smiling big she said, "Hi!" and waved to me. I woke up crying but was comforted by how happy she was.

Even in the midst of my longing and sadness, I am happy. I have been so giddy and free lately and people have noticed the difference in me. Last night at bible study I was so silly and lighthearted. I was goofing off, doing silly dances and making up crazy songs after worship practice. I played the piano a lot and taught Mike how to play "Unchained Melody." Man, I love the piano and really want to take it up again.

Before we left Jay said to Melissa, "Sarha is so childlike." That made me smile. On our way home last night Melissa said to me, "I don't know what's going on with you but for the past 2 weeks you've been really different.....funny and so carefree.....like a huge load has been lifted off of you." My response was, "He turned my wailing into dancing."

A load has been lifted off of me. It is God's doing. He's taking care of His girl.

You turned my wailing into dancing;

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.....



that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.


O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.



Psalm 30:11-12

Fasting for six months...

Although it would be cool to be super human and be able to fast from food for six months......that's not what I'm doing. I made a pact with Jess last month that we would fast some things that we love for six months. The main thing that we shared was clothes. I have become more aware lately of the amount of money I spend on things needlessly and carelessly. God has put me in a living situation that is ideal for saving money which I haven't been doing at all.

I have found myself "emotional shopping". It unfortunately has been very therapeutic for me during my family's excruciating and stressful times over this past year. There are a lot of good things that I want to do but don't have the money for because as soon as I get paid my money is gone off to paying store cards after shopping sprees. So with the new and sad awareness of my bad spending habits the Holy Spirit spurred me on to fast for 6 months. So the things that I love and am fasting from buying are:

Clothes/Shoes/Accessories
DVD's
CD's
Books

I am also fasting these things because I want to hear from the heart of God. I long to intently tune into His Voice and His Word.....which is living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword, penetrating even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; judging the thoughts and attitudes of my heart. Nothing hidden from His sight. Everything uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom I must give account. (Hebrews 4:12-13)

I want to receive His instruction and counsel in regards to my future and the way in which I should go. Yielding to His Holy Spirit and not fighting Him like and stubborn mule that needs to be controlled by a bit and bridle in order to come to Him. (Psalm 32:7-9, Proverbs 22:6, Isaiah 48:16-18, Psalm 143:7-9)

There are a lot of changes coming ahead for me. This time I am openly welcoming them. I am not scared. I am not nervous. And I am not worried. I am excited and thrust my arms up towards His Holy Hill.

No need to hold on for dear life.....

I freely let go and enjoy the ride.

I run in the path of your commands,
for you have set my heart free.
(Psalm 119:32)

My husband.....

I miss him.

How can I miss someone so incredibly much when I haven't even met him?

I can feel him.

He's close.

I'm praying for him.

I've cried out for his well-being.

I smile at our future.

I'm still being prepared for him.

A bride eagerly awaiting but still living.

Hopeful.

Living life freely.

Heart completely open to my Savior.

One day He'll bring us together.

Our notes will find each others song.

We are a beautiful and intricate rhapsody.

I love you.

California, good times and laughter...

"Aaaahhhhh". That's what I say with a pleasant sigh as I reflect on how awesome this time in Cali has been. I have never felt so relaxed in my life. This was exactly what I needed. I rested a lot! I'm not just referring to sleep either. I truly learned how to Rest in the presence of my Heavenly Daddy. I don't have to DO or BE anything with Him. I just Am.

Man, I have not laughed sooooooooo stinkin' much as I did this past week. It was awesome!!!!! I have missed those free spirited stupid moments. Jess, Rachael and I had the BEST girl night. Some memorable quotes from that night are:

"Um, I belong to BMG and I don't know if I can do that." (As I protested the idea of not buying cd's for six months)

"Wait a minute, you belong to BMG and you only have 100 songs on your iPod?!"

"Just go lick a knife!"

"International flavaaaaaa!" (Gotta love those foreign men)

Some other hilarious quotes from Jess's family that were as equally memorable are:

"I'm not freaking out!" (As Susanne was yelling and um....well....clearly freaking out)

"I don't want to fight about it." (As I inquired as to why Nate would buy mittens with the fingers cut out of them-which I clearly thought defeated the purpose of wearing mittens to keeps your hands warm, which would seem to include your fingers)

Man, I loved spending such quality time with Jess, her contagious laughter and smile! Fashion sense and style. Being so relatable!!! Dark beer-Yeaaahhh! I also really love her family and her cute little dog Oscar-He is sooooo funny! I had a great time swimming with Susanne and our thrift store marathons!!! Her love for her hummingbirds and her funny expressions. Sushi and Wine-YUM! Al is great. I like his distinguished look and the father vibe that comes off of him. Although, I'll still never understand how he has a boat but doesn't go fishing!!!!! That's like saying there's no water in the ocean! Yikes! :-) I'll miss him chasing the dog with the guitar and running around the kitchen as Oscar tried to get the can of soda. I love Nate's beaming smile which was the very first thing that stood out to me when we first met. His unexpected humor and his love for the song 'Umbrella'. Also, the shock factor in being introduced to 'Curb Your Enthusiasm', but dying of laughter and the awesome scenic drive that he took Jess and I on.

I haven't experienced such awesome community and fellowship as I did here in a long time. It was really authentic. The people of Cornerstone and Sanctuary are awesome. The weather is great. It was mainly in the low to mid 60's the whole time I was here and everybody was cold and I felt like it was a heat wave! :-) I got to fulfill a long dream of mine-get a professional massage and boy was it awesome!!!!! I also did some other pampering stuff like get a spa pedicure and manicure and shopped 'till I dropped! I slept in a bed that was clearly straight from heaven and enjoyed having the private sanctuary of my own bedroom and bathroom. I loved playing the piano and remembering how wonderful it is. I had some really good journal, cry and prayer sessions with God and realized how truly good it is to have your faith stretched hard.

Man, I don't want to go home today. I'm not ready. But the prayer that I'm leaving with that has been imprinted on my heart for days is this:

"Lord Jesus, please forgive me for choosing to let the love of the world in with all it's cares, worries, counterfeits and false promises. I just want you Lord. Jesus, I JUST WANT YOU!!!"

Resting...

I am in California right now visiting Jess and it has been wonderful. God knew just what I needed and right when I needed it. This trip has been a gift right from His hands. I have been "Resting" a lot. I have not really talked to God or read the bible much since I've been here.......but I have just been still and silent and Rested in His presence. He speaks to me even when I'm not talking to Him. He hears me even when I haven't called His name. And He embraces me even when my arms are to weak to hold out.

Thank you for letting me Rest in the shelter of your love.

Maria Mercedes Caraballo 2/4/1967-10/28/2007

You were a GIFT born into this world.......

And into heaven you are a TREASURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU SISSY AND CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU AGAIN IN OUR FATHER'S HOUSE!!!!!

7 Years

It's been 7 years since I got saved. God persistently pursued me through a one of a kind Texan pastor and a little church. As my eyes opened up like a newborn baby and were flooded with the light of Christ, then my heart began to change as well. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I call the verses below my 'salvation verses'. I found them early on in my walk with God and felt such a personal touch from Him as the words came alive. It seemed as if He stood over me as I laid there in my slumber of Darkness and Ignorance..... and He poured out the Word from His mouth all over me, filling my room with His Brilliant Light and Truth.

Isaiah 65:1

I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me; I was found by those who did not seek me. To a nation that did not call on my name, I said, 'Here am I, here am I.'

Ephesians 5:13-14

But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light.

For this reason it says,

Awake, sleeper,

And arise from the dead,

And Christ will shine on you."

Although it seems like 7 years is far removed..... it also sometimes still feels close at hand. In many respects I have clearly come a long way from where my life used to be and how I was living 7 years ago. Unfortunately, there are some things from my old life that spring up in my new that I struggle with. Sometimes I think that they're long gone and dead. Other times they seem to flare up with new life in them. In my struggle with sin I recall this thought:

'Satan is quick to remind and God is quick to forget'.

I thank God that Jesus is right there with me fighting on my behalf. I am not alone.

Hebrews 4:14-16

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Hebrews 7:24-26

...but because Jesus lives forever, he has a permanent priesthood. Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.

Such a high priest meets our need—one who is holy, blameless, pure, set apart from sinners, exalted above the heavens.

Romans 8:26-28

In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;

and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

The number 7 seems to be the most significant number in the Bible. I've heard it said that 7 is 'God's number' and is associated with His divine completion and perfection. I did a search on http://www.biblegateway.com/ for 'seven' and in the King James Version it came up 562 times! I wonder if my 7th year of salvation will be very significant and stand out from the rest. This year has been very hard. I've experienced a lot of change in my life and in the life of my family. I've struggled in my walk with God and sometimes feel that I've desensitized myself to the voice of the Holy Spirit. I don't know if that's really possible because I know that I am never far from God's reach.

John 10:3-5

The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice.

Father God, thank you for calling me out by name and choosing me. Thank you for providing the only way to You through the death and resurrection of your precious son Jesus Christ. Thank you that through Him I have the greatest gift ever..... Salvation and Eternal Life!

Philippians 1:6

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.