Coming Around

Well, I'm finding that with time things get better. I am doing a lot better than I was in my last post. Regret, mistake, loser and failure have left the building. They were just some pretty negative words that needed to come crashing down......and they did. I'm coming around. I've started applying for jobs.....hopefully in a ministry again. I want to make an eternal difference. The family is doing good. I love them so much but living with them has its challenges. I'm thinking that staying with them for now is OK....maybe for a few months......but I'm longing for some good ole Christian roommate fellowship. I am really excited about a verse I read yesterday that just totally reaffirmed me.

Ephesians 4:1 (NLT)

Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God.

Man, this is so good! I want to lead a life worthy of my calling. I've always wanted that! I have started praying about this more......beseeching God.....asking Him what my calling is. And even though I don't really think I know right now.....that's OK. Just a few months ago I was angry with God and finally unveiled some junk that was in my heart to Him. I was angry because I felt that I didn't have a purpose......I didn't know what it was.....and I felt that God wasn't showing me. I'm not angry with Him anymore and I am really OK with not knowing right now because the second part of that verse says, 'For you HAVE been called by God.' Those words jumped right out of the bible and into my mind, heart and spirit.

I'm greatly comforted and assured knowing that I have been called by God!

I am coming alive again.

Thoughts and Feelings

First off I'd like to say that my sister Maria is doing awesome. She is in great hands with God and her doctor. Everything has just been amazing with her. She has had 2 brain surgeries and a radiation treatment so far and she isn't in any pain and hasn't really complained at all. I am seriously so amazed and really awed by God in how He is clearly watching over and taking such good care of her. She has been covered head to toe in the prayers of so many people who love her and by those who have only heard about her but are committed to praying for her and my family. I am just thrilled!!!

I have had much to think about since I've been home in Orlando. You know, being alone with your thoughts for a long time isn't necessarily a good thing......at least in my case. I wish my mind would just rest all ready. I have really been struggling with feeling embarrassed and like a failure........like I've really messed up my life. I've been pretty confused and restless. Everyday that I spent in MA was hard. I would wake up each day feeling like I had made a huge mistake. I tried to work through it....looked for jobs...went on some interviews.......asked God to help me like Boston......but it really didn't get better. I honestly did want to go home and I really wondered if God really sent me to Boston. I started praying and asking God about going home......and then I got the news about my sister.......and then I was home.

So I wrestle with my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to go home but I didn't want her sickness to be my "out". I am happy to be home though.....glad to be able to help my sister and my family. It's been nice to see some of my friends again too. One of my friends said that he was "really impressed at how the Lord had prepared and sent me back to Orlando for such a time as this" and that "I'm not sure why the Lord had you go to Boston except to free you up from things here locally so that you'd be in a better position to serve your family"....... and went on to say that "It's evident that you are the spiritual anchor for Maria and your family". I do not see myself as a spiritual anchor but I do have a relationship with God and I'm trying to walk with Him daily.

I am struggling with deep regret. I regret leaving my job at GCM and moving to Boston. I know that I felt so sure about Boston and everyone was so excited and I believed at one point that God did send me there. Sometimes I get really excited about things and I want to run with it.....but maybe it wasn't the right time.....maybe I was only supposed to go for the length of time I was there.....maybe God wanted to break me away from everything familiar in order to break through some fears and prepare me for something else.....who knows. God knows that I want the Boston church plant to happen but maybe I'm not supposed to actually be a part of it...like actually living there. Maybe my role was just to let the church plant team know how I've been praying for it to happen and to get them on board and excited about it....maybe I was just supposed to be a point person for them. Maybe I'm just supposed to support them in prayer.

One thing that has really encouraged me is that I had the courage to leave Orlando. I went through a long process and allowed God to work in my life and break through fears and moved in spite of my fears of the unknown. That takes a lot!!!!! A friend told me that like 95% (or something like that) of the people in this world don't make any changes or try things because of fear and that I am so courageous because I still went and didn't cower in that fear. So here I am back home. I'm glad to be here to help support my family. I'm starting over again but that's OK. I'm in a good place right now and things could've been much worse.

I really need to count my blessings. The Lord has never abandoned me. I would love to go back to work for GCM if they have anything available but we'll see what happens. I am going back to church and small group and I'll probably be checking out a lifegroup soon. I really need Christian community and satan would just love for me to sit in depression and convince me that people think that I failed and are disappointed with me. That's a big load of crap and I know it.

One thing that I've been really impressed with are two verses that God is reminding me of......

2 Cor 2:12-16
Now when I went to Troas to preach the gospel of Christ and found that the Lord had opened a door for me, I still had no peace of mind, because I did not find my brother Titus there. So I said good-bye to them and went on to Macedonia. But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life.

Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

God opened up a door for Paul to go to Troas and he went but had no peace of mind because he couldn't find his brother Titus. So he left and went to Macedonia. But even though he left the place that God had opened a door for him to go.......God STILL led him in triumphal procession in Christ!!! Even in Macedonia God used him to spread everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of God and to be the aroma to Christ. I also see that no matter what happens....whatever circumstance I'm in....God always has my back....He always has my best interest in hand.....He will ALWAYS work it out for my good. Why? BECAUSE HE LOVES ME! There doesn't have to be any other reason than that. He loves me. There is nothing too big or hard for Him. There's nothing that He can't handle. He is a mighty God and I don't have to be a big woop-dee-doo person for Him or do some amazing thing for Him. He just wants me.....just as I am and right where I'm at.

That is freeing.

My sister Maria

Thank you all for your prayers, love and support. Maria had her 2nd surgery on Wed which will enable more fluid to drain from her brain. The surgery went very well and Maria told my mom that she actually felt better that day then she did the previous day. It was determined that Maria does have cancer and it is in the 4th stage. It looks like she's had it for about 5 months but they are glad they caught it now. It also looks like the cancer is contained and not attached to anything. As far as we know Maria will be able to come home from the hospital this Friday. Then she will be scheduled for 1 radiation treatment followed by 4 weeks (1 time per week) of chemo. After that they will test her and see where everything is at.

We are all feeling very positive, her doctor, our family and Maria. Her doctor specializes in this field and is very positive and hopeful for Maria. Please continue to pray for God's healing and that He would use this to draw Maria and our whole family closer to Him. Please pray for me too, I have been feeling really weak in my faith and spiritually numb lately. I have been distracted and haven't gotten time with God like I should. I know that I am no good to myself or anyone else without God active in my daily life. Please pray for a big change in my heart and for God to show me what's truly important and vital. Thank you!

Quick update on Maria

Maria is looking good. A biopsy was done yesterday but the tumor on top of her head is so embedded that they can't get to it. This morning she went in for another CAT scan but I haven't heard anything yet today. Maria does have a tube literally in her brain draining fluid out. When I saw her last night she looked good and was even cracking some jokes. She naturally does not want to be in the hospital and is getting depressed. I'll let you know more as news comes in. Thank you all for your prayers. God bless you!

My Sister....and Coming Home

My sister Maria has been in the hospital this week. She first was complaining of severe headaches and would see her Dr. about that and they would just give her more pain meds. It finally got so bad that she brought herself to the emergency room. It was there that the Drs. discovered that she had swelling of the brain and fluid on her brain. She was then flown by helicopter to Florida hospital where she is in ICU. They did a spinal tap yesterday to drain fluid. My mom called me this morning to tell me that today they found lesions on her brain. They have to do surgery this Friday. My mom told me that Maria said she really wants me to come home and that she needs my support and help especially during her recovery. Please pray for my sister and my family. My mom has been taking care of my nephew and I think she's trying to be strong for everyone. This morning she bought plane tickets for me and my cousin Cindy to go to Orlando. At this point I don't know what my future plans are......to eventually go back to MA or to stay in FL. Please pray for my sister's healing, comfort for my family and for discernment for me.

God is with us.

Getting Better Each Day...

Hello World :-)

Here's a quick update from my last post. I was really down and at a very low point when I last wrote. Things really do get better each day. Today I had my first job interview and I think it went OK. It's for a development Assistant-Gift Processing position at Tufts-New England Medical Center in China Town. A lot of the job description looks similar to what I did at GCM except for the development stuff but I am very teachable and will learn it. I go back on Friday to meet with the hiring manager so we'll see what happens. I'm still going through a bit of doubt, confusion, fear and insecurity and I wish I would just feel normal already. I haven't been connecting with God as much as I'd like. I really want that to change and hope it does soon.

I've been sensing this week that I don't have to force myself through things......for example it is OK for me to grieve right now. I mean c'mon.....I literally left the life that I knew in Orlando....my family, friends, job, church, car, furniture......everything. I left all the comforts of home and it is OK, good and normal for me to grieve that loss. Also I'm seeing that I don't have to instantly zap myself into happy and excited mode. I seriously have to tell myself to just take things one day at a time. God is with me and loves me and will not abandon me. I was reminded the other day of one thing that I had been saying months before moving to MA......"God would not lead me somewhere and then tell me to fend for myself!" I'm glad that popped into my head again. I had forgotten about that.

The Truth is awesome.

Frustrated!

I am really frustrated and just want to throw in the towel on this whole Boston thing. I am sick of feeling discouraged and conflicted. I really need God to speak to me. I need Him alone to tell me why I am here and if He really sent me here. I am confused. This week is better than last week in that I didn't cry the whole time. I just don't know what's real and what's not right now. I don't know if I can even trust my own emotions. All I want to do right now is pack up and go back home to Orlando. This just isn't what I thought it would be. I don't know if I made a mistake or if this is natural or what. I feel like I left the best thing possible in Orlando and for what? What did I do this for? I felt so completely confident earlier this year about this whole move. I believe God spoke to me in some huge ways. I go back through my journal entries this year and I know God was working and moving in my life. I felt so sure about Boston. Now I am not so sure. I don't know what to be sure about. I am really frustrated and discouraged and God is truly to only one I can cling to. I mean I have my cousin here and I can talk to my family & friends on the phone.....but it's not the same. I desperately need God to help me here. I kind of feel like this is a test....where I put into practice everything I've learned and believe about God.......and even though I know (head knowledge) that God is going to take care of me and is powerful and will work everything out........I feel so weak and afraid. So as of today I just want to go back home and find a job there. I'd have the support of my family & friends and I would just plain ole be back home.

I need God alone to tell me what to do.

My First Week

Well today marks my first week in Boston. Here's a quick recap. It was a hard and emotional first week........I cried a lot and missed my family in Orlando greatly.......I don't know where anything is.......and it is so different here. Things got better over the weekend. I got a lot of encouragement from my friends Jen and Roy. I overcame a huge fear.....something that any other person might see as pretty silly but for me it was a huge victory.......I took the T (subway) for the first time and I was by myself. I am feeling a lot better today...... I wasn't sad at all. Today I posted my resume and started looking for jobs. I am growing more confident in believing that I will have even more victories here and will continue to overcome fears. God will see to that, he will not stop until I am completely VICTORIOUS.

HE IS FOR ME!!!

New Home

I got here to Boston safely yesterday around 1pm. We made excellent time. It was really good having 3 drivers. Today I went around with Melissa......ran errands, went to Ikea to get furniture for my room, woohoo.........and then we went to her work. Now we are home just chilling out. We'll probably put some of the stuff together for my room. I don't have much to write today. I just wanted to give a quick little update. I will say that so far it just feels like I have just come for a visit. The weather is beautiful and I am really enjoying my new home. The place is really nice. I need to keep reminding myself that I need to take life one day at a time and to 'not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present my requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.'

Yup, now the sadness has definitely hit me.....

I am really sad this morning. It hit me last night that I am moving and won't have my friends here.............I won't have my family...............Why am I moving from my family????? I am leaving in a few hours and my friends are packing the car as we speak. Tears, tears, tears....this hurts. :-( My heart and mind is conflicted with knowing that this is right and that I need to do this and with this horrendous sorrow.

I've been praying that God will really be my best friend in this time.

It's not hitting me yet........

I just got off the phone a little while ago with my friend Roy. He's all packed, Jen's packed, her dad will pick up her kids tomorrow at 5am, she'll go to work with Roy, he'll hopefully be done by noon, then they'll start their long drive down to Orlando.

I can't believe it's already here. My departure is so close.

My last day of work was technically Monday but we ran into quite a few kinks so I stayed another day. I thought that it would be hard leaving work yesterday but it wasn't at all. There were no teary goodbye's or anything like that. It just felt like I was leaving for the day. Should it have been different? Maybe people just don't like to say goodbye. Although, this has been quite a long leaving process for me, so maybe people feel like I've been leaving for a long time now and they've had a lot of time to adjust.

Today I went back to the office to meet some friends to go out for lunch in honor of Caroline's birthday. While I was there I handed in my office keys to Jeff. I thought that would feel weird but that didn't either! Tonight I went to my women's small group for the last time and when I left that didn't feel weird.

So, I don't think it's hitting me yet that I am moving. I've had goodbye parties and had my last hang out times with friends and I haven't been emotional at all. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it'll help me to really enjoy my time with my family and friends without being a blubbering mess.

Tomorrow morning I'll say farewell to my car and sell it to Miss Autumn. :-) I've had many awesome exploring/prayer drives with the Lord in that car. Man did I give Him an earfull. I'm so glad that He listens.......moreover that He actually delights in listening to me. That's incredible! :-) I am soooooooooooooooo excited to see Jen and Roy!!!! I can't wait!!!! They rock. I'm looking forward to them meeting my friends here in Orlando. It's going to be good! :-)

Moving and Missing

Today I moved out of my apt. and into my parents house. I'll be staying here for a little over a week before the big move. I am really excited about Jen & Roy coming down from MA. to pick me up and take me to Boston. They are going to be here for a few days so they can have a mini vacation. I am stoked about spending time with them. I never even asked them to drive all the way down to Florida to get me.......they just volunteered and were excited to do it. Man, my friends rock! :-) This will be my first long distance road trip, woohoo!

About a week ago the GCM office had a goodbye/appreciation party for myself and 2 other people who are moving on from the office. It was a great time and I felt really special. It was kind of strange hearing people go around the room saying all these great things about me and how they are going to miss me so much. I mean don't get me wrong, I appreciated their hearts and everything they said, it was cool.........but part of me thought, "Wow, is that really me they're talking about?!?" God has really done a huge work in my life and I have grown so much over the years. I am truly blessed an honored to have worked for such an outstanding organization who is passionate about serving God and supporting missionaries in reaching the nations for Christ.

Monday is my last day at the office but I don't think it's really hit me yet. Maybe it won't until I turn in my keys. Next week will be my last week in Orlando......last time with my family.......last time with my friends. You know, it's not really going to be my last time with them. I know I will see them again, especially my family......I plan on flying down to be with them as often as I can. I am really going to miss everyone. I am going to especially miss the babies-Evan & Isabella, my parents and sisters, my friends, the beach, walking through Leu Gardens, favorite hang out spots, etc. It will be a big adjustment but I will be fine.

Every time I think about the missing and longing and the challenges of moving to a new place and excitement of a new adventure......a line from a Rita Springer song pops into my head and plays over and over again and it gives me 'peace that surpasses all understanding that guards my heart and mind in Christ Jesus' and causes me to 'be still and know that God is God'. It says.......'This is good, this is God......' Just a simple statement, only 6 words....but they comfort my heart so well.

You know for months now I couldn't bear the thought of missing so much. My heart and spirit felt so crushed and I was so tired of being sad. So there were several times when I thought that I would just decide to stay here because everything would stay the same and I would be comfortable and I wouldn't have to be sad and say goodbye. I know that I can't do that. I trust my heart in this. I know that if I chose to stay it would feel as if I were going against myself and God. I don't know what the future holds or what tomorrow will bring and that's OK. However, I do know that God is with me everyday, every waking moment of my life. He will never leave me. I feel like I am a wimp with trusting God lately but I am still trusting Him. He promised to give me a hope and a future.

He always keeps His promises!

God WANTS to bless me because He LOVES me!!!

I have to testify about God's goodness. I can not contain it! He just keeps completely amazing me. So, for the past couple of weeks or so I have been struggling. I've struggled with not believing the truth about myself and who God and others say I am. I've been feeling so insecure, weak and that I don't have anything great to offer anyone, especially God. I have chosen to let worry and fear constantly creep in instead of faith, excitement, joy and expectation.

Just a couple weeks ago I was talking on the phone with my cousin and cried hysterically.......freaking out because of all the unknowns involved with moving to MA. I also dug deeper into my heart and found something that was burried pretty deep. I uncovered that I was upset with God because I felt like I had no purpose and that He hadn't told me yet what my purpose in His big plan was.

My cousin said something to me that I just couldn't believe for myself. She said, "What if He doesn't want to tell you yet? What if He just doesn't want you to do anything right now and just wants to bless you? Her questions just didn't compute in my brain and my response was this...."That is just absurd! Why would He just want to bless me? I haven't done anything for Him to bless me!"

Well, yesterday something absolutely amazing happened to me. God gave me a double blessing, literally! I received a huge financial blessing from an awesome couple AND a friend bought my car that I needed to sell before moving.

I want to give you a little background on this couple. They have very generously sponsored me for my mission trips for the last 3 years. They are a couple who just had a heart to help send me on these mission trips and they didn't even know me. Well, a couple of weeks ago I finally got to meet this couple whom I affectionately call my "support angels". It was an awesome experience for me getting to know them. I was so humbled and honored that they thought I was amazing and such an encouragement to them. The whole time I kept thinking that they were the ones who were so amazing and a huge blessing and encouragement to my life.

I received a card from them yesterday that said the following....

"We really enjoyed our recent opportunity to meet with you! It was great to meet you and spend some time getting to know you better. You encouraged us greatly. We wish you every blessing as you continue to be obedient and follow Christ's calling.........We send this check in hopes it will help you meet the expenses associated with your move and re-location. ~Blessings".

And inside the card was a check for $1000.00!!!!!!!!!

GOD IS SO AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am blown away by their hearts and generous spirits. That gift in and of itself was awesome but what was even more awesome was that I knew this gift came right from the Hand of God. You see I do have some significant financial needs that I often pray to God about. There have been several times that as I prayed through my needs this couple has popped into my head. My response back to myself and to God was pretty much this.....

"I'm not asking them for money! Are you crazy! Who does that! That is way too much to ask and not even right of me to do!!!"

Once again I have to say it, GOD IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!! This couple has no idea what I prayed or how they would pop into my head. When I met them I never asked them for money. I don't even think I communicated any of my needs. My honest and sincere desire was just to meet them and thank them for blessing my life so much.

So, God spoke something very clearly to me. He said "I just want to bless you because I want to bless you. I just want to love you because I love you. You don't have to work for my love."

He spoke right into that unbelief that was deep in my heart. I didn't do anything special for this couple to bless me generously. I am sure that they just did it because they wanted to. It made me think about how Jesus didn't save me because of anything that I did. I didn't earn my salvation. It was a free gift. He died for me because He loved me! He took my place on the cross because he wanted me to spend eternity with Him. He went that far for me, even to death, because of His great unending love for me!!!

He will go great lengths to love you!

Lies and Truths

So, I have been thinking about and feeling all sorts of things lately. Right now my eyes were just filled up with tears as I read some blogs of people I know. I shake my head as I process my thoughts........I need to be closer to God.......that person is close to God....wow, can I experience God like they do?..........I am a loser and a failure in my pursuit of God............I don't read the bible enough........those people must read it every day, every waking hour, every chance they get.......they must discipline themselves to read the Word.........they must love God so much more than I do..........If I truly loved God then I would get in the Word every day.......I must force myself........I won't hear from God otherwise...........how do I expect to hear from God if I'm not constantly reading the Bible............God won't speak to me, answer me or acknowledge me if I don't do a better job of making time for Him............and on and on the thoughts go.

So, are they all lies? I'm sure that's the case.....but I think there is some truth in there too. I am just frustrated. Is my devotional life currently where I would like it to be? No. Am I hard at work to improve my discipline and energy to fight the good fight? Not too much. I get lazy. I get discouraged. Sometimes I unfortunately choose to believe that I am not worth the effort. So I keep running yet another lap. I run through my checklist only to find out that I didn't quite make it today. Everyone else has run the race much faster than me and with far more love and devotion. Sometimes I feel like I am a slow runner or that I am just running in place. So, I just need to do more, right?!

I know that I can get caught up in this web of lies but the web is so sticky.....it's so hard to get out of sometimes. I am unraveling it.....sometimes slower than others but it's unraveling. I am starting again to believe the things that God thinks of me....great things....precious things. I am believing Him and taking Him at His word. I am choosing to believe the awesome things that others say about me. I am believing that I am worth the effort. I am believing that God did not just create me for nothing. I have a wonderful purpose and He is unveiling it to me day by day. You know what? Every single person on this planet is on their own journey. We all have our own things to work through. I am grateful to God that He is working on them with me. He is ultimately in control. I am a very honest struggler AND a mighty warrior in my walk with God. I am real with Him and I do not hide from Him. It's not easy.........but it's good!

Italy Update #2

I wanted to give a quick update from my last post about Italy. Just within the past couple of weeks I have received very encouraging news. One woman named Maria from my beginner's class has been meeting with Pastor Frank and his wife Pam. She is asking a lot of questions and has been reading her bible. Her children, 2 of which also came to the English Clubs, have been coming to the church. Pray for their salvation! Two other students have started coming to church too. And just today I received word from the pastor that since our trip to Torino, 4 people have accepted Christ! God is awesome. I am so thankful for His hands that reach down and save us. AMEN!

Walking Blind and Letting Go of My Vice Grip!!!

I am so desperate and needy. I am so out of control. I am so helpless. So many people in my life say that this is the best place for me to be in my life. They say it's good for me. They say that this is where God wants me. I feel like I am walking blind. Trusting God for me is like walking blind. He asked me to come walk with Him and I have followed. He didn't tell me where He would lead me when I gave my life over to Jesus. He just asked me to follow Him. With all of my heart I want to follow God. Wherever He goes I want to follow in His footsteps. I want to hold His hand and walk with Him.

But God is going everywhere. God is going to the nations. He is beckoning and drawing people to Himself. How can I possibly go everywhere with Him? And yet I want to go to the nations. I want to stand in heaven one day with people from all tribes and nations standing together praising Our Creator God! I am so overwhelmed when I see that picture in my head. It will be amazing. It breaks my heart when I think about how many people there are in this world and the astounding number that don't know Jesus Christ. I don't want people to perish. God doesn't want anyone to perish. He desires for all men to come to Him.

For over three years I have prayed, cried and sought the Lord about my future. This has been a huge process and I have learned so much, been stretched like a rubber band and grown so much through it. I am moving to Boston in August. I truly believe this is a direct answer to prayer. I believe that God indeed is sending me. I have mostly been very excited about this. But as each day draws closer to my departure......I FREAK OUT!!!!!! Trust.......Trust.....TRUST!!!! I can not deny that this is God. If you could crawl into the pages of my journals over the years you would see just how specifically He has answered prayers about my future and moving back to MA. And yet I shouldn't be surprised.......this is God's nature.....He is so awesome!!!

I know He is going ahead of me and preparing the way for my arrival. I know He is going to take care of me and provide for all of my needs....now and when I get there. I know that my life is in His hands and that he can be trusted with everything. But it is so hard for me to not have control. I am the type of person who plans things so thoroughly and way in advance. I like knowing exactly what is going to happen so I can be extremely well prepared. I am very detail oriented and function better with a lot of structure. Well....... I DON'T HAVE ANY OF THAT RIGHT NOW!!!!!! I am moving to Boston without a job lined up. I have no idea what type of job I want. I have dreams of being in ministry but there are so many things that I'm either good at or would love to grow in.....and it is so hard to try to just narrow it down to one particular area of ministry. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up......and I AM grown up. Oh Boy! :-)

My biggest hurdle is fear. I know that God is with me and I have been praying like crazy for Him to increase my faith and to help me to trust Him completely. I know that God wants to bless me and to bless others through me. I know He wants to use me. I am choosing to let go of the vice grip that I have on my life and surrender the control over to Him. This is so hard!!!!!! I know that I could just chicken out and stay here....which has been tempting.......but everything in me.....that little tiny itsy bitsy piece of courage says that I am supposed to go and I can't deny it. I can't turn back now.

So, with the little speck of courage and faith that I can muster up right now........

I say YES! I HEAR YOU GOD! I AM COMING!

Some of my favorite pictures from Italy

Steve, Sarah and Myself being silly
Beginner English Class
This represents crying out against prejudice
I got to sing a song I wrote about my relationship with God at our Texas Cowboys party Me at a beautiful park

Italy Update

Ok-this is probably about the 10th time I have attempted to post an update with pictures and something keeps happening and the post gets lost. So, this probably is a much different update than I originally had and I will work on putting more up throughout the week. I spent the week helping teach a beginner level English Club. I wouldn't say that I love teaching English........it actually stirs up my insecurities. I struggled most of the week feeling very weak and inadequate and that I wasn't doing enough. I really had to battle satan's lies. I am so glad that God uses weak people and that His power is made perfect in weakness.

The smiles on the students faces made it so worth it. They were so humble. Aida, who is 12 years old was especially eager and excited to learn English. Elia was so hungry for new words. We had an outreach party one night and I pretty much spent the entire evening talking with him and teaching him new words. He doesn't think that he does a good job but he does so well and is a quick learner.

Elia encouraged our team so much. He got saved a month ago and is already growing so much in his faith. He has such a hunger for God's word and wants to read it all night long. He desires to put God above everything in his life. When I got back home to the States I was so encouraged to receive an e-mail from him with a video of his baptism. This was bittersweet for me........I was so happy for him but also sad that Jenni & I weren't there to witness it. We could only stay for a week and the rest of the team was there for 2 weeks.

God always does a bigger work in my life than the work that I go there to do. He really worked on my relationship with Him and the importance of spending time with Him everyday and being in His Word. Not only is the Bible His love letter to us but it is spiritual food and weaponry. We are truly useless if we are not getting in the Word. I felt this pressure for days that I was only there for a week and I had to share the gospel with someone and that when I get home people are going to want to hear stories and I better have a good one for them. That was a big lie from satan and it took a while for me to squash it.

You know what.......I didn't get to shared the gospel or my testimony.............but what I did do was share my smile......my laughter.....my warm spirit........I got to meet a need in their lives. I went and did just what God sent me to do. I taught English to the Italians that were hungry to learn. I encouraged them and the staff in our church there. I got to hug them and talk with them. I did exactly what God sent me to do.

Pastor Frank often shared with us that what we were doing was so important and significant. He would say that we may not see results of people being saved right away. It's a process and can sometimes take years. It's about building relationships. One girl named Carmen who is part of the church there now told us about how she went to English Clubs and it wasn't until a year or so after that she got saved. It reminded me how one person sows the seed and another one comes along and waters the seed......and then another comes along and reaps it. I thank God that He is the Lord of the harvest and that He sees fit to use little ole me to help carry the message of the gospel and the love of Jesus Christ.....what an honor!!!

My eyes were opened up so much on this trip. I was so overwhelmed with the thought of how many people there are in this world and how many of them don't know Jesus Christ. I was overwhelmed with the great need for more workers in God's harvest and the reality of how few there really are. I pray and ask God to send out more workers into His harvest and that I will never lose passion for missions. I also saw my heart more clearly in that it isn't just for one specific people group.....it is for all people. I pray that all nations come to know Him.

AMEN!!!

New Friends

Paul-Romania
Elia-Italy
Maria-Romania
Aida (Paul's sister)-Romania
Alessandro-Italy

Italy Bound!

Tomorrow I leave for my short term mission trip to Torino, Italy. I am so excited about our team. Jenni (pictured above with me) and I who work in the GCM office and two girls from Missouri are going with a team from Texas. Some of our team will be doing English Club outreach and some will be doing Muslim outreach. I am excited to be doing English Club outreach. Jenni & I are partners and we will be teaching Beginners. I have never taught beginners before on past mission trips but I've had many cool times just hanging out and talking with beginners during free time. I love them! My heart melts for them! I feel like I have a natural ability to slow things down for them, patience in listening and understanding them and I just plain ole love to encourage them.

I think this trip will be good for me in a lot of ways. One way in particular is that this will be the first time in 3 years that I will not be returning to Poland. I love Poland so much and have had such awesome experiences there and been so blessed by God on my mission trips there. I had prayed for 3 years about moving to Poland to be a missionary but this year the Lord told me that it's not in my long term plans. I grieved that for a while and I am really OK with it now. God has given me great peace about it and has also opened up some pretty huge doors to other great things in my life.

When the opportunity came about to go to Italy, I was really struck with this thought that was so overwhelming......... "You know what, God loves us so much and desires for people everywhere, of all nations, tribes and tongues to have a relationship with Himself through His son Jesus Christ." I want that to be so fresh in my mind every single day for as long as I live. Jesus is the Living Hope. I have that Living Hope in my life. I want to share this with others. I can no longer possibly even imagine living this life without God. I am so glad He came to save me. I am so glad He came to love me and set me free.

Here are some facts about the city of Torino:
* Torino is the fourth largest city in Italy with its population nearing 2.2 million, of which 94,000 are students at the University of Torino.
* Although Italy has a rich Christian history, sadly many Italians have abandoned their country’s foundational Christian roots. For many Italians, the Bible has become obsolete and irrelevant.
* Cults and occultism have engulfed their society, making Torino the second largest center for occult activities in the entire world.
* By trying to fill their spiritual void with materialism and sensuality, many Italian families have been severely damaged or completely torn apart.

I am thrilled to have the opportunity to go and be a light to Italian students who:
* Are agnostics or atheists and disillusioned with organized religion.
* Come from dysfunctional families where parents provide little moral or emotional guidance.
* Are convinced truth is relative.
* Believe friendships are important, but rarely experience close relationships.

Over the years I have asked God to help me to love people more like Jesus loved them. Although I am a very loving person, I realize how hard it is for me to love like Jesus loved. His love for us took Him to the cross where He took our rightful place and bore our sins upon Himself and died so that we might have life eternally with the Father. This was His greatest act of love. I want people everywhere to know how much God loves them. “Anyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. But how can they call on him to save them unless they believe in him? And how can they believe in him if they have never heard about him? And how can they hear about him unless someone tells them? And how will anyone go and tell them without being sent?” (Romans 10:13-15)

Please join me in praying that God would be preparing the hearts of those in Italy that we’ll encounter, that their ears would be open to hearing the Word of God and their eyes would see Jesus-The Way, The Truth and The Life! One thing that I am specifically praying for is that God would bring some girls my way that are very broken. I have such a heart for broken people whose lives have been ravaged by numerous things, whether it be by abuse, addictions, loss, etc. I have experienced God's miraculous love, healing, forgiveness, hope and restoration in my own life and would love to share with them that Jesus loves them and hears them. His heart and my heart breaks for them. I want them to know that just as Jesus restored and redeemed my life that He can do the same for them.

Please pray for our whole team, for fun and sucessful English Clubs and Muslim outreach, team unity, that we would be an encouragement to the missionaries laboring in Torino, safe travel and good health, awesome connecting times with students, boldness in sharing the gospel, salvations and that God would do a mighty work in us and through us. One thing that I am praying for myself is that God would accomplish in me whatever He wants to accomplish. I am praying that He does something new in my life and renews me.

I pray that His will be done, Amen!