My life is a journal .....: December 2006

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Boston: Take 2

I am back in Boston (North Quincy) and so happy to be here. I'm also excited about a very good potential job opportunity that I have at Harvard University. I have a 2nd interview on January 5th! During the past four months that I spent back in Orlando I learned so much about myself and the plans that God has for me. I was glad to be able to help my family & my sister and to spend time with her. God has been really close and sweet to my family. We all have experienced Him so much more than ever. Joy truly does come in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

Earlier this year God had confirmed many times my moving to Boston..... but in the midst of everything that was going on: the hard, emotional and not long enough adjustment period in Boston, the severity of my sister's cancer and going back to Orlando to be with my family...... I doubted God-and I doubted Him a lot! I grew distant from Him and was very confused about my life. I didn't know what to believe or even if I wanted to believe anything again. Why get my hopes up? But, I knew God loved me and that I was His child. I knew God had put a call on my life regardless if I knew exactly what that was or not. I chose to believe Him and take Him at His word. I had to believe Him. So, I spent 4 months wrestling with God and would not let go of Him until He blessed me. (Genesis 32:26)

It's so cool, God has brought back old verses that He's used to speak to me before when I've been faced with making big life changing decisions. He's also spoken new words to me and given me an inside view from His perspective. I'd like to share some of His words here.

God spoke:
"Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God." (Luke 9:60)

I replied:
"Okay Lord, I hear you. I will go."

God spoke:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." (James 1:2-8)

I replied:
"I don't want to be a wave Lord. I want to be a rock!"

God spoke:
"Then the Lord said, “You feel sorry about the plant, though you did nothing to put it there. It came quickly and died quickly. But Nineveh (Boston) has more than 120,000 people living in spiritual darkness, not to mention all the animals. Shouldn’t I feel sorry for such a great city?” (Jonah 4:10-11)

I replied:
"Here am I, send me!"

I have learned to stop and let the Lord speak to me. To listen attentively to Him and then respond.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas-Our Savior is Born!!!

Isaiah 9:1-7 (NIV)

To Us a Child Is Born:

Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress. In the past he humbled the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the future he will honor Galilee of the Gentiles, by the way of the sea, along the Jordan-

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned. You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as men rejoice when dividing the plunder. For as in the day of Midian's defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor. Every warrior's boot used in battle and every garment rolled in blood will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire.

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this.

Luke 2:1-20 (NIV)

The Birth of Jesus:

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

The Shepherds and the Angels:

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests." When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about." So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.

When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I'm a silly monkey...

How can I hear God when I fill my ears with other voices?

How can I see God when I don't cast my eyes toward His gaze?

How can I speak to Him when my lips drip with foulness?

I was talking to my cousin today about my horrible attitude and the ugliness of my heart lately. She asked me if I had been going to church. My reply was No. She asked me if I had been going to small group. Again my reply was No.

She then said, "Sarha, you are starving yourself. You're not even eating little scraps from under the table?"

Wow, she is right. I haven't even been spending much (if any) time in God's Word lately. I was doing really well with that when Maria was having her treatments Mon-Fri. I would stay in the waiting room or out in the car and read my bible and pray everyday. I was on a good schedule. Now Maria is on a break from treatments and I have let go of the habit I built.

I have no excuses really. I have all the time in the world and I still don't sit down at the feet of Jesus. I need to get back into it again. I felt so much better and God always had a Word for me. I also need to get over whatever past issues I had with church and just go. There are people there that love me and speak wholesome truth into my life. I need to get with other believers regularly, whether that's in a small group or one on one with someone. I need fellowship, community and prayer to survive. I know this!!!

Thanks for being patient with me God!

There's a worm in my apple: I gotta get him out!

I have had a really rotten attitude lately and it is getting on my nerves...literally. My mood has been horrendous. I have been miserable and negative and have not been the most pleasant person to be around. To be honest, I have been a beast.

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you..... Psalm 73:21-22

My heart is grieved with many things: my sister's cancer, added responsibility of caretaking and helping my family, not being in Boston, trying not to lose sight of my dreams, telling myself to hold tight to them and feeling like God has forgotten me and failed to step into action.

I know that God IS bigger than my heartache, doubt, fears, ugliness and utter beastliness. Even when I lay around in my smelly trash heap attitude, He still loves me. I can't flee from His love.

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever..... Psalm 73:23-26

I'm also starting to wake up and remember that I have a great Enemy who loves when I am vulnerable and hurting..... and hopes that just maybe I might leave a door open for him to get in.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith..... 1 Peter 5:8-9

I need to stand my ground and cling to God, remembering that He is bigger than my enemy. Jesus is my Advocate and fights on my behalf. And the enemy better watch out 'cause his Victor is coming!

For thus says the LORD of hosts, "After glory He has sent me against the nations which plunder you, for he who touches you, touches the apple of His eye. "For behold, I will raise My hand over them so that they will be plunder for their slaves. Then you will know that the LORD Almighty has sent Me..... Zechariah 2:8-9

Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes. Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings from the wicked who assail me, from my mortal enemies who surround me..... Psalm 17:7-9

In a desert land he found me, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded me and cared for me; he guarded me as the apple of his eye,
like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions.

Deuteronomy 32:10-11

I love God's Word. It speaks for itself.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Things I'm feeling... in no particular order.

Anticipating God's goodness & blessings.

Stripped & Empty: Where has the joy and fire gone?

Surrendering: My body is crushed under the weight of my burdens.....so I unclentch my fists, lift my cares up to you oh Lord and by your grace alone I choose to leave them in your hands.

Hopeless & Forgotten: I need God to lift my head.

Desperate & Depleted: Please God, restore to me the joy of my salvation!

Please speak to me again sweet Jesus.

I want to feel your breath as you whisper secrets in my ear.

I want to feel your heart beat as you hold me.

I can't live a day without you.

Please revive me with your touch and breathe your life into me again.

I don't understand God right now.

Tonight I went to my old job's Christmas party. I was glad to be there and see people that I've missed. But, it ended up being a pretty weepy night for me. I cried a lot as people asked about my sister....even cried on a friends chest as she hugged me and another friend held my hand. I felt other emotions during the party too. Like I had been quickly forgotten about after having spent nearly 4 years working alongside these people. I cared about and loved those people very much. There are really only a very small few who have kept up with me and really seem to care.

One thought that passed through my mind a lot was "Wow, this room full of people know what my family and I have been going through and I never even once received a card or anything from the office." I just feel that I gave so much to this organization and I don't even feel that they care. I'm still weeping and wish God would just fix all of this. Please God just heal my sister. Restore her life. Patch our family back up again. I don't understand God. I know he's sovereign. I know he's just. I'm not mad at him but I just don't know what to think. I wish he'd break his silence.