Moving and Missing

Today I moved out of my apt. and into my parents house. I'll be staying here for a little over a week before the big move. I am really excited about Jen & Roy coming down from MA. to pick me up and take me to Boston. They are going to be here for a few days so they can have a mini vacation. I am stoked about spending time with them. I never even asked them to drive all the way down to Florida to get me.......they just volunteered and were excited to do it. Man, my friends rock! :-) This will be my first long distance road trip, woohoo!

About a week ago the GCM office had a goodbye/appreciation party for myself and 2 other people who are moving on from the office. It was a great time and I felt really special. It was kind of strange hearing people go around the room saying all these great things about me and how they are going to miss me so much. I mean don't get me wrong, I appreciated their hearts and everything they said, it was cool.........but part of me thought, "Wow, is that really me they're talking about?!?" God has really done a huge work in my life and I have grown so much over the years. I am truly blessed an honored to have worked for such an outstanding organization who is passionate about serving God and supporting missionaries in reaching the nations for Christ.

Monday is my last day at the office but I don't think it's really hit me yet. Maybe it won't until I turn in my keys. Next week will be my last week in Orlando......last time with my family.......last time with my friends. You know, it's not really going to be my last time with them. I know I will see them again, especially my family......I plan on flying down to be with them as often as I can. I am really going to miss everyone. I am going to especially miss the babies-Evan & Isabella, my parents and sisters, my friends, the beach, walking through Leu Gardens, favorite hang out spots, etc. It will be a big adjustment but I will be fine.

Every time I think about the missing and longing and the challenges of moving to a new place and excitement of a new adventure......a line from a Rita Springer song pops into my head and plays over and over again and it gives me 'peace that surpasses all understanding that guards my heart and mind in Christ Jesus' and causes me to 'be still and know that God is God'. It says.......'This is good, this is God......' Just a simple statement, only 6 words....but they comfort my heart so well.

You know for months now I couldn't bear the thought of missing so much. My heart and spirit felt so crushed and I was so tired of being sad. So there were several times when I thought that I would just decide to stay here because everything would stay the same and I would be comfortable and I wouldn't have to be sad and say goodbye. I know that I can't do that. I trust my heart in this. I know that if I chose to stay it would feel as if I were going against myself and God. I don't know what the future holds or what tomorrow will bring and that's OK. However, I do know that God is with me everyday, every waking moment of my life. He will never leave me. I feel like I am a wimp with trusting God lately but I am still trusting Him. He promised to give me a hope and a future.

He always keeps His promises!

God WANTS to bless me because He LOVES me!!!

I have to testify about God's goodness. I can not contain it! He just keeps completely amazing me. So, for the past couple of weeks or so I have been struggling. I've struggled with not believing the truth about myself and who God and others say I am. I've been feeling so insecure, weak and that I don't have anything great to offer anyone, especially God. I have chosen to let worry and fear constantly creep in instead of faith, excitement, joy and expectation.

Just a couple weeks ago I was talking on the phone with my cousin and cried hysterically.......freaking out because of all the unknowns involved with moving to MA. I also dug deeper into my heart and found something that was burried pretty deep. I uncovered that I was upset with God because I felt like I had no purpose and that He hadn't told me yet what my purpose in His big plan was.

My cousin said something to me that I just couldn't believe for myself. She said, "What if He doesn't want to tell you yet? What if He just doesn't want you to do anything right now and just wants to bless you? Her questions just didn't compute in my brain and my response was this...."That is just absurd! Why would He just want to bless me? I haven't done anything for Him to bless me!"

Well, yesterday something absolutely amazing happened to me. God gave me a double blessing, literally! I received a huge financial blessing from an awesome couple AND a friend bought my car that I needed to sell before moving.

I want to give you a little background on this couple. They have very generously sponsored me for my mission trips for the last 3 years. They are a couple who just had a heart to help send me on these mission trips and they didn't even know me. Well, a couple of weeks ago I finally got to meet this couple whom I affectionately call my "support angels". It was an awesome experience for me getting to know them. I was so humbled and honored that they thought I was amazing and such an encouragement to them. The whole time I kept thinking that they were the ones who were so amazing and a huge blessing and encouragement to my life.

I received a card from them yesterday that said the following....

"We really enjoyed our recent opportunity to meet with you! It was great to meet you and spend some time getting to know you better. You encouraged us greatly. We wish you every blessing as you continue to be obedient and follow Christ's calling.........We send this check in hopes it will help you meet the expenses associated with your move and re-location. ~Blessings".

And inside the card was a check for $1000.00!!!!!!!!!

GOD IS SO AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am blown away by their hearts and generous spirits. That gift in and of itself was awesome but what was even more awesome was that I knew this gift came right from the Hand of God. You see I do have some significant financial needs that I often pray to God about. There have been several times that as I prayed through my needs this couple has popped into my head. My response back to myself and to God was pretty much this.....

"I'm not asking them for money! Are you crazy! Who does that! That is way too much to ask and not even right of me to do!!!"

Once again I have to say it, GOD IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!! This couple has no idea what I prayed or how they would pop into my head. When I met them I never asked them for money. I don't even think I communicated any of my needs. My honest and sincere desire was just to meet them and thank them for blessing my life so much.

So, God spoke something very clearly to me. He said "I just want to bless you because I want to bless you. I just want to love you because I love you. You don't have to work for my love."

He spoke right into that unbelief that was deep in my heart. I didn't do anything special for this couple to bless me generously. I am sure that they just did it because they wanted to. It made me think about how Jesus didn't save me because of anything that I did. I didn't earn my salvation. It was a free gift. He died for me because He loved me! He took my place on the cross because he wanted me to spend eternity with Him. He went that far for me, even to death, because of His great unending love for me!!!

He will go great lengths to love you!

Lies and Truths

So, I have been thinking about and feeling all sorts of things lately. Right now my eyes were just filled up with tears as I read some blogs of people I know. I shake my head as I process my thoughts........I need to be closer to God.......that person is close to God....wow, can I experience God like they do?..........I am a loser and a failure in my pursuit of God............I don't read the bible enough........those people must read it every day, every waking hour, every chance they get.......they must discipline themselves to read the Word.........they must love God so much more than I do..........If I truly loved God then I would get in the Word every day.......I must force myself........I won't hear from God otherwise...........how do I expect to hear from God if I'm not constantly reading the Bible............God won't speak to me, answer me or acknowledge me if I don't do a better job of making time for Him............and on and on the thoughts go.

So, are they all lies? I'm sure that's the case.....but I think there is some truth in there too. I am just frustrated. Is my devotional life currently where I would like it to be? No. Am I hard at work to improve my discipline and energy to fight the good fight? Not too much. I get lazy. I get discouraged. Sometimes I unfortunately choose to believe that I am not worth the effort. So I keep running yet another lap. I run through my checklist only to find out that I didn't quite make it today. Everyone else has run the race much faster than me and with far more love and devotion. Sometimes I feel like I am a slow runner or that I am just running in place. So, I just need to do more, right?!

I know that I can get caught up in this web of lies but the web is so sticky.....it's so hard to get out of sometimes. I am unraveling it.....sometimes slower than others but it's unraveling. I am starting again to believe the things that God thinks of me....great things....precious things. I am believing Him and taking Him at His word. I am choosing to believe the awesome things that others say about me. I am believing that I am worth the effort. I am believing that God did not just create me for nothing. I have a wonderful purpose and He is unveiling it to me day by day. You know what? Every single person on this planet is on their own journey. We all have our own things to work through. I am grateful to God that He is working on them with me. He is ultimately in control. I am a very honest struggler AND a mighty warrior in my walk with God. I am real with Him and I do not hide from Him. It's not easy.........but it's good!

Italy Update #2

I wanted to give a quick update from my last post about Italy. Just within the past couple of weeks I have received very encouraging news. One woman named Maria from my beginner's class has been meeting with Pastor Frank and his wife Pam. She is asking a lot of questions and has been reading her bible. Her children, 2 of which also came to the English Clubs, have been coming to the church. Pray for their salvation! Two other students have started coming to church too. And just today I received word from the pastor that since our trip to Torino, 4 people have accepted Christ! God is awesome. I am so thankful for His hands that reach down and save us. AMEN!

Walking Blind and Letting Go of My Vice Grip!!!

I am so desperate and needy. I am so out of control. I am so helpless. So many people in my life say that this is the best place for me to be in my life. They say it's good for me. They say that this is where God wants me. I feel like I am walking blind. Trusting God for me is like walking blind. He asked me to come walk with Him and I have followed. He didn't tell me where He would lead me when I gave my life over to Jesus. He just asked me to follow Him. With all of my heart I want to follow God. Wherever He goes I want to follow in His footsteps. I want to hold His hand and walk with Him.

But God is going everywhere. God is going to the nations. He is beckoning and drawing people to Himself. How can I possibly go everywhere with Him? And yet I want to go to the nations. I want to stand in heaven one day with people from all tribes and nations standing together praising Our Creator God! I am so overwhelmed when I see that picture in my head. It will be amazing. It breaks my heart when I think about how many people there are in this world and the astounding number that don't know Jesus Christ. I don't want people to perish. God doesn't want anyone to perish. He desires for all men to come to Him.

For over three years I have prayed, cried and sought the Lord about my future. This has been a huge process and I have learned so much, been stretched like a rubber band and grown so much through it. I am moving to Boston in August. I truly believe this is a direct answer to prayer. I believe that God indeed is sending me. I have mostly been very excited about this. But as each day draws closer to my departure......I FREAK OUT!!!!!! Trust.......Trust.....TRUST!!!! I can not deny that this is God. If you could crawl into the pages of my journals over the years you would see just how specifically He has answered prayers about my future and moving back to MA. And yet I shouldn't be surprised.......this is God's nature.....He is so awesome!!!

I know He is going ahead of me and preparing the way for my arrival. I know He is going to take care of me and provide for all of my needs....now and when I get there. I know that my life is in His hands and that he can be trusted with everything. But it is so hard for me to not have control. I am the type of person who plans things so thoroughly and way in advance. I like knowing exactly what is going to happen so I can be extremely well prepared. I am very detail oriented and function better with a lot of structure. Well....... I DON'T HAVE ANY OF THAT RIGHT NOW!!!!!! I am moving to Boston without a job lined up. I have no idea what type of job I want. I have dreams of being in ministry but there are so many things that I'm either good at or would love to grow in.....and it is so hard to try to just narrow it down to one particular area of ministry. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up......and I AM grown up. Oh Boy! :-)

My biggest hurdle is fear. I know that God is with me and I have been praying like crazy for Him to increase my faith and to help me to trust Him completely. I know that God wants to bless me and to bless others through me. I know He wants to use me. I am choosing to let go of the vice grip that I have on my life and surrender the control over to Him. This is so hard!!!!!! I know that I could just chicken out and stay here....which has been tempting.......but everything in me.....that little tiny itsy bitsy piece of courage says that I am supposed to go and I can't deny it. I can't turn back now.

So, with the little speck of courage and faith that I can muster up right now........

I say YES! I HEAR YOU GOD! I AM COMING!

Some of my favorite pictures from Italy

Steve, Sarah and Myself being silly
Beginner English Class
This represents crying out against prejudice
I got to sing a song I wrote about my relationship with God at our Texas Cowboys party Me at a beautiful park

Italy Update

Ok-this is probably about the 10th time I have attempted to post an update with pictures and something keeps happening and the post gets lost. So, this probably is a much different update than I originally had and I will work on putting more up throughout the week. I spent the week helping teach a beginner level English Club. I wouldn't say that I love teaching English........it actually stirs up my insecurities. I struggled most of the week feeling very weak and inadequate and that I wasn't doing enough. I really had to battle satan's lies. I am so glad that God uses weak people and that His power is made perfect in weakness.

The smiles on the students faces made it so worth it. They were so humble. Aida, who is 12 years old was especially eager and excited to learn English. Elia was so hungry for new words. We had an outreach party one night and I pretty much spent the entire evening talking with him and teaching him new words. He doesn't think that he does a good job but he does so well and is a quick learner.

Elia encouraged our team so much. He got saved a month ago and is already growing so much in his faith. He has such a hunger for God's word and wants to read it all night long. He desires to put God above everything in his life. When I got back home to the States I was so encouraged to receive an e-mail from him with a video of his baptism. This was bittersweet for me........I was so happy for him but also sad that Jenni & I weren't there to witness it. We could only stay for a week and the rest of the team was there for 2 weeks.

God always does a bigger work in my life than the work that I go there to do. He really worked on my relationship with Him and the importance of spending time with Him everyday and being in His Word. Not only is the Bible His love letter to us but it is spiritual food and weaponry. We are truly useless if we are not getting in the Word. I felt this pressure for days that I was only there for a week and I had to share the gospel with someone and that when I get home people are going to want to hear stories and I better have a good one for them. That was a big lie from satan and it took a while for me to squash it.

You know what.......I didn't get to shared the gospel or my testimony.............but what I did do was share my smile......my laughter.....my warm spirit........I got to meet a need in their lives. I went and did just what God sent me to do. I taught English to the Italians that were hungry to learn. I encouraged them and the staff in our church there. I got to hug them and talk with them. I did exactly what God sent me to do.

Pastor Frank often shared with us that what we were doing was so important and significant. He would say that we may not see results of people being saved right away. It's a process and can sometimes take years. It's about building relationships. One girl named Carmen who is part of the church there now told us about how she went to English Clubs and it wasn't until a year or so after that she got saved. It reminded me how one person sows the seed and another one comes along and waters the seed......and then another comes along and reaps it. I thank God that He is the Lord of the harvest and that He sees fit to use little ole me to help carry the message of the gospel and the love of Jesus Christ.....what an honor!!!

My eyes were opened up so much on this trip. I was so overwhelmed with the thought of how many people there are in this world and how many of them don't know Jesus Christ. I was overwhelmed with the great need for more workers in God's harvest and the reality of how few there really are. I pray and ask God to send out more workers into His harvest and that I will never lose passion for missions. I also saw my heart more clearly in that it isn't just for one specific people group.....it is for all people. I pray that all nations come to know Him.

AMEN!!!

New Friends

Paul-Romania
Elia-Italy
Maria-Romania
Aida (Paul's sister)-Romania
Alessandro-Italy

Italy Bound!

Tomorrow I leave for my short term mission trip to Torino, Italy. I am so excited about our team. Jenni (pictured above with me) and I who work in the GCM office and two girls from Missouri are going with a team from Texas. Some of our team will be doing English Club outreach and some will be doing Muslim outreach. I am excited to be doing English Club outreach. Jenni & I are partners and we will be teaching Beginners. I have never taught beginners before on past mission trips but I've had many cool times just hanging out and talking with beginners during free time. I love them! My heart melts for them! I feel like I have a natural ability to slow things down for them, patience in listening and understanding them and I just plain ole love to encourage them.

I think this trip will be good for me in a lot of ways. One way in particular is that this will be the first time in 3 years that I will not be returning to Poland. I love Poland so much and have had such awesome experiences there and been so blessed by God on my mission trips there. I had prayed for 3 years about moving to Poland to be a missionary but this year the Lord told me that it's not in my long term plans. I grieved that for a while and I am really OK with it now. God has given me great peace about it and has also opened up some pretty huge doors to other great things in my life.

When the opportunity came about to go to Italy, I was really struck with this thought that was so overwhelming......... "You know what, God loves us so much and desires for people everywhere, of all nations, tribes and tongues to have a relationship with Himself through His son Jesus Christ." I want that to be so fresh in my mind every single day for as long as I live. Jesus is the Living Hope. I have that Living Hope in my life. I want to share this with others. I can no longer possibly even imagine living this life without God. I am so glad He came to save me. I am so glad He came to love me and set me free.

Here are some facts about the city of Torino:
* Torino is the fourth largest city in Italy with its population nearing 2.2 million, of which 94,000 are students at the University of Torino.
* Although Italy has a rich Christian history, sadly many Italians have abandoned their country’s foundational Christian roots. For many Italians, the Bible has become obsolete and irrelevant.
* Cults and occultism have engulfed their society, making Torino the second largest center for occult activities in the entire world.
* By trying to fill their spiritual void with materialism and sensuality, many Italian families have been severely damaged or completely torn apart.

I am thrilled to have the opportunity to go and be a light to Italian students who:
* Are agnostics or atheists and disillusioned with organized religion.
* Come from dysfunctional families where parents provide little moral or emotional guidance.
* Are convinced truth is relative.
* Believe friendships are important, but rarely experience close relationships.

Over the years I have asked God to help me to love people more like Jesus loved them. Although I am a very loving person, I realize how hard it is for me to love like Jesus loved. His love for us took Him to the cross where He took our rightful place and bore our sins upon Himself and died so that we might have life eternally with the Father. This was His greatest act of love. I want people everywhere to know how much God loves them. “Anyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. But how can they call on him to save them unless they believe in him? And how can they believe in him if they have never heard about him? And how can they hear about him unless someone tells them? And how will anyone go and tell them without being sent?” (Romans 10:13-15)

Please join me in praying that God would be preparing the hearts of those in Italy that we’ll encounter, that their ears would be open to hearing the Word of God and their eyes would see Jesus-The Way, The Truth and The Life! One thing that I am specifically praying for is that God would bring some girls my way that are very broken. I have such a heart for broken people whose lives have been ravaged by numerous things, whether it be by abuse, addictions, loss, etc. I have experienced God's miraculous love, healing, forgiveness, hope and restoration in my own life and would love to share with them that Jesus loves them and hears them. His heart and my heart breaks for them. I want them to know that just as Jesus restored and redeemed my life that He can do the same for them.

Please pray for our whole team, for fun and sucessful English Clubs and Muslim outreach, team unity, that we would be an encouragement to the missionaries laboring in Torino, safe travel and good health, awesome connecting times with students, boldness in sharing the gospel, salvations and that God would do a mighty work in us and through us. One thing that I am praying for myself is that God would accomplish in me whatever He wants to accomplish. I am praying that He does something new in my life and renews me.

I pray that His will be done, Amen!

Family Reunion

I went up to Massachusetts over Memorial Day weekend for a family reunion on my mom's side and to visit some friends. It was a really good yet short visit. It was cool to see so many relatives, many of which I didn't know and had never seen before. I was amazed at how many people in my family are either musicians, singers or both. So I think I get my musical sense from both my mom's & dad's family. Music and singing is just in my blood. You know I had hyped up this trip a lot and really prayed for opportunities to share my life and the gospel with my family and friends. And you know...none of that happened...there wasn't even any real spiritual conversations.

One really cool thing was that my cousin Rainelle (Melissa's mom) looked really good and happy. I commented on how good she looked and she said that "It must be my new boyfriend, Jesus." :-) That was so cool to hear. She got saved just a few months ago. So....I was thinking that it's OK that nothing spiritually big happened on my visit.....things like that aren't always going to happen and that's OK...it's building. I had a great time in Boston with Mike & Melissa and seeing where I'll be living.....I felt like I got more clarity on things.....Melissa and I had a good time with Jen and her kids and with Roy. Building is good......there's nothing wrong with building....you have to start somewhere.

Some pictures from my Family Reunion in Massachusetts

My niece Mercedes with cousin Jessica

My cousin Melissa with our friend Roy
My mom with Aunt Gail
My cousin Rainelle, my mom and my cousin Melanie
My friend Jen and her daughter Madison

The Blessing of Unexpectedness

The pictures below are from my nephew Evan's 2nd birthday party this past March. My mom had family in town visiting from Massachusetts. It was really cool for me to get to hang out with them. I especially enjoyed talks with my cousin Cindy......about God...our family....etc. It was awesome to go to church together. I am very glad that she was so blessed and touched by God while she was here.

I also got to hang out with my Uncle Jerry and his wife Barbara whom I haven't seen in many years. It was nice hearing Jerry greet me with "There's my little Indian girl." He has called me that since I was a little girl. I was happy that my Aunt Gail came too. She was sick most of the time but I hope in a lot of ways the visit was good for her. She lost her daughter Dee Dee (who was also like her best friend) to cancer a couple years ago.

So on the day of Evan's birthday party....Cindy & I had just got home from church and got into this really great talk with my mom and Aunt Gail about church, God, the Bible and the importance of them all. Cindy was so touched by God that morning and was so overjoyed and cried a lot to my mom, encouraging her to go sometime. What really tugged hard on my heart was the need for really good churches back home and Cindy's clear need and desire for one.

So as we were talking my mom checked a voice mail message that she received. She got off the phone and said to me, "That was Goy and Tony, they are here in Orlando and said that they would like to see us." I was blown away and couldn't believe it. Here is some background for you. Tony is one of my uncle's on my dad's side (Caraballo's) and Goy is his son. The last time I saw my father was when I was 10 and then he died when I was 13. I have not had a relationship with the Caraballo's pretty much since then. The last time I saw them was at my dad's funeral.

For many years I have had the desire to know them....know more about the Caraballo family history...know more about my dad....about being half Puerto Rican, etc. This desire grew much stronger after I came to know Jesus Christ. I know that my identity is found in Christ but there has been a part of my earthly identity that I feel has been missing for too many years. I wanted to find that missing part of myself and I really wanted them to know how much God loves them and desires to have a relationship with them.

So back in 2003 I searched for them online and found some names and addresses and got together with my family here in Orlando and we got in contact with my Aunt Nery. I did arrange two meetings with them that unfortunately fell though.....and 2 years ago I just gave it to God and prayed that if they wanted a relationship with us that they would pursue us. I felt that I couldn't do anything else other than that.

So of all times and of all days, when we had family visiting from MA and we were all gathered to celebrate my nephew's birthday........they came.......Tony and Goy came. It was like a scene from a movie. There was so much joy, surprise, clearing up misunderstandings, talking, dancing, laughing, sharing........LOVE! They seemed to be so attentive to me.....kept looking at me and touching my face, telling me how beautiful I was and how much I looked like Grandmother Megalina, whom I never knew, she died before I was born.

It was an incredible time but not long enough. I will treasure that visit. God gave me that. It was totally unexpected and it was such a blessing. God is so good and sweet and loving. He is so HONORING! God has opened up this door to the Caraballo's. I am so happy. I pray that He continues to open up the hearts of my family and friends and continues to grow my heart in the process.

Family Photos

Me & my Uncle Tony..... It's crazy how much we look alike. My sisters kept calling us twins! :-)A picture of my family at my nephew Evan's 2nd birthday party this past March. Below are my parents, Stan & Rhonda, 3 sisters, Maria, Sondra & Laura, My niece and nephew, Evan & Isabella, My Aunt Gail & Cousin Cindy, My Uncle Tony & Cousin Jose "Goy" & His Uncle Nelson
My Uncle Tony dancing with my niece Mercedes
My sister Laura dancing with Uncle Tony
Tony dancing with Isabella and Laura dancing with Evan

Radiant

Exodus 34:29 (NIV)

When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the Testimony in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the LORD.

This verse really struck me today. It's interesting....I was going to write about how I now have "graylights" in my hair. You know how some people put highlights in their hair, like blonde or red. Well, since I have newly discovered that I have a patch of gray hair, I'd like to say that I have graylights. :-) So I wonder....what do people do when they get gray hair? I guess one option would be to color my hair but I have never really liked coloring my hair. I like it just how it is. And then I thought.... You know what....I have earned those graylights...that took a lot of time and work. :-)

Then a picture of Moses popped into my head. I thought of how when he came down Mount Sinai his hair was a dazzling gleaming white. Out of curiosity I looked up the verse above and then realized that it wasn't his hair that was gleaming....it was his face. I think I had the movie version in my head. :-) At any rate, I was amazed by what the verse said. Wow....Moses' face was Radiant from speaking with the LORD!

Hmm, when was the last time my face was radiant because I had been speaking with the Lord?

Father God~ I pray that I make the choice every day to sit in your presence and let your love penetrate my heart. Help me to push every hindrance aside, every distraction, every false god, and may I feast with the King~Jesus, My Savior, My Redeemer, My Lover, the one who rescued me from the pit, the one who has washed me clean and has given me a new name.

I want to be radiant! Do you?

I will bless you.....and you will be a blessing!

Well, here I am. I have wanted to start a blog for quite some time now. I hope to be able to communicate from my heart here.......freshly and honestly. It is my desire to share some of my thoughts and dreams.......and to invite you to take a glimpse into my life's journey. I am all about being real and don't like to sugar-coat anything. I hope that as you read through these posts- you laugh, cry, shout, rejoice, contemplate, wonder, engage, and become more aware of the awesomeness of your creator, God. I am sure that a lot of what will probably get posted on here will be excerpts from my journal. It is a great memorial of all that God has done and is continuing to do in and through my life. He has used it to speak into others lives so many times. I pray that just as in Genesis 12:2.....that not only would God bless me, but that I would be a blessing to your life as well.