My life is a journal .....

Today

2010-06-17T17:45:00.003-04:00

Today I sit here realizing that I haven't updated this with anything for over a year!!! Much has gone on.

Today I sit here as a married woman. Jay & I got married on 2/6/2010. We are living in a studio apartment with our two cats Stryper & Petra. We are working and saving up money for a house. Jay hopes to own a two family home by 2011 and rent out the other unit. We are both at the same jobs we've been at but are restless and ready for change. I need to learn to be grateful for what we have and that we have employment! Restless has been the most accurate word to describe my life lately. I am not where I want to be but I don't know where I want to be yet. I am also not the person I want to be or thought I would be and have found myself envious of other people. Mostly the things that I envy are their close, deep relationships with God, the Kingdom work that they are doing and the strong, healthy, God-centered marriages that they have.

I love God but I haven't been loving Him like I use to. My relationship with Him was so incredible in my days in Orlando and when I moved back to MA. I know I can't go back in time but I really miss my relationship with God then and I want it back. I have just become lazy and made so many excuses. I don't want to do that anymore.

I am not the wife that I want to be. Sometimes I feel that the wife I want to be is simply just unattainable. I need to put God first and love Him deeply and strengthen my relationship with Him before I can do that with my husband. When I skimp on that the effects show greatly. We don't have a bad marriage by any means but we need God's help during this first year adjustment especially.

So who do I want to be and what do I think I want to do? I want to be a serious strong Christian woman who soaks up the Bible and treasures her time with the Lord daily. I want to be a real student of the Word and share it confidently with the world. I want to tell others about the awesomeness of God and His Son Jesus Christ. I want to live and leave a godly legacy. I want to be involved in Kingdom work. I want to love, care for, support, honor, respect and cherish my husband as the head of the house. I want to trust my husband in every area and submit to his godly authority.

I want to be a good faithful worker at whatever place of employment the Lord has me in currently or in the future. I want to give God a good name by living out a godly life that brings honor to our Maker! I want to serve the Lord and His people in whatever way He wants me to. I want to and am willing to go wherever He leads my husband and I to go and do whatever work He calls us to do. I really want to be a mentor or teacher in some way......talking to and building relationships with those seeking God, new believers and helping to encourage those who have been in the faith. I love international people and my heart gets gripped for the nations. I want to reach them.

I want to care less about what I need to survive in this world and care more about The One who saved me from the chaos of this world!!!!! I want to seek after the Kingdom of God and long for my real heavenly home! I hope that someday in God's perfect timing that Jay & I will have a family of our own. I pray that I will be a great mother and he'll be an awesome loving father. I pray that we will raise up a godly family and train them in the ways of the Lord and dedicate them to do God's work. I want to love my children, teach them, encourage them to follow after the call that God will give them for their lives, honor them, protect, nurture and cherish them.

I want to live by the principles found in Deuteronomy 6:4-9 and Matthew 22:37-39 which say,

"Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself."

I can't attain to all of this Today.

But Today I choose to START!!!!!!!

Jay & Sarha's Engagement!

2009-04-27T16:37:00.001-04:00

On Sunday evening, 4/26/09 my sweetheart Joseph James Cavallaro proposed to me in front of many loved ones at a gathering at our Rabbi (Pastor) Henry's house!!! We are so thrilled and can't wait to become husband and wife. We don't have a date absolutely set in stone yet but we are looking at sometime in November. Here is our very funny and adventurous engagement story!!!

The "special date":

Jay told me over a week ago to not plan anything for Sunday, 4/26 because he was going to take me on a special surprise date. So, on the beautiful very summer like spring day he picked me up and we headed out, 1st stopping at a very popular coffee shop called "Marylou's Coffee" where we both had never been. Yummy! And the place is so cute...looks like a little castle inside! :-) Then we drove up to the (original, haha) destination......A CARNIVAL!!!!! Jay knows that I love carnivals and he had found one weeks ago in the next town over. Well, we got there to find out that it was very small with about 5 rides of which we BOTH get sick on. And to top it off he had set his heart on proposing to me on a romantic ferris wheel ride. Well, there was no ferris wheel because it had broke down, DOH!!! He was heart broken and looked for other carnivals to take me to but there either weren't any going on that day or they also didn't have a ferris wheel!!!

So he then wanted to take me to Blue Hills (a beautiful reservation that we frequently go hiking in) for a nice romantic walk. He was trying to find a special rock that we found when we were hiking in the fall that had "LOVE" painted on it. Well after 3 attempts of trying to find the rock we ended up lost in Blue Hills for 2 hours, hot, exhausted, dehydrated, and here I was in a skirt and flip flops.....not very good hiking attire! We were so frustrated and took turns along the way as to who was having the worst attitude! At one point we sat down on a small cliff like rock to rest and when we got up I slipped and almost fell off and Jay caught me! I screamed and cried hysterically and said, "Can we please just get out of here and go to Henry's already!?!" Oh, it was so miserable!!!!! Poor, poor Jay, he tried so hard to make it a special day! So, we finally found our way out and got back on the main trail, that is after having a run in with a snake and racing past it as fast as we could! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Relieved to be literally "out of the woods" we talked about the lessons we learned from God while lost.....

Jay: "I need to always LEAD you and NEVER leave you behind."
God put this verse on Jay's heart: "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." Proverbs 14:12

Sarha: "I need to TRUST you in every situation and stick by you regardless of how I may feel."
I also wrote and sang a praise song to God along our journey!!! It was awesome and Jay said that I should write ballads for him! :-)

So, after our adventure we headed to Henry's house and had a great time of feasting & fellowship. Towards the end of the evening Cherri told us that she got a new Paul Wilbur video (one of our favorite and well known Messianic singer/musicians) and as we sat there watching it Jay turned to me and said, "Hey this is just like how we first started talking. At Henry's Hanukkah party back in December 2007 we sat together and talked the whole night while Paul Wilbur was playing in the background." I then looked at him and said, "We have come full circle!" Jay felt at that time God confirmed that was the right moment to propose.

Soon after he was up and loudly said to the crowd, "Listen up people, listen up, I have an announcement to make!" Then he quickly came over to me and got down on one knee and said, "Sarha Jean Caraballo, will you marry me?!" The first thing out of my mouth was, "Did you talk to my dad?" Jay said yes and I then said yes but he didn't hear me and stayed there kneeling and said, "What do you say?" And I said, "I said YES!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA The whole thing was so comical but awesome! It ultimately was how I had hoped it would be, surrounded by lots of loved ones! So, now the planning begins.....one day at a time right?!?!?! Please pray for us as we prepare to become husband and wife....for the Lord's wisdom, guidance, strength and peace!!!!!

Blessings to you all in the name of Yeshua-AMEN!!!
Sarha & Jay :-)

Future Hope & Glory!!!

2009-01-04T14:03:00.003-05:00

14For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.

15For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"

16The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God,

17and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

18For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

19For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God.

20For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope

21that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God.

22For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now.

23 And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body.

24For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees?

25But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

26In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;

27and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

What A Promise LORD!!!!!

Thank You Abba Father.....MY DADDY!!!!!

1Then a shoot will spring from the stem of Jesse,
And a branch from his roots will bear fruit.
2The Spirit of the LORD will rest on Him,
The spirit of wisdom and understanding,
The spirit of counsel and strength,
The spirit of knowledge and the fear of the LORD.
3And He will delight in the fear of the LORD,
And He will not judge by what His eyes see,
Nor make a decision by what His ears hear;
4But with righteousness He will judge the poor,
And decide with fairness for the afflicted of the earth;
And He will strike the earth with the rod of His mouth,
And with the breath of His lips He will slay the wicked.
5Also righteousness will be the belt about His loins,
And faithfulness the belt about His waist. (Isaiah 11:1-5)

THANK YOU THAT THE MESSIAH HAS COME!!!!!

1"I love You, O LORD, my strength."
2The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
3I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,
And I am saved from my enemies. (Psalm 18:1-3)

THE MIGHTY ONE OF ISRAEL IS MY STRENGTH!!!!!

.....16And He saw that there was no man,
And was astonished that there was no one to intercede;
Then His own arm brought salvation to Him,
And His righteousness upheld Him.
17He put on righteousness like a breastplate,
And a helmet of salvation on His head;
And He put on garments of vengeance for clothing
And wrapped Himself with zeal as a mantle.
18According to their deeds, so He will repay,
Wrath to His adversaries, recompense to His enemies;
To the coastlands He will make recompense.
19So they will fear the name of the LORD from the west
And His glory from the rising of the sun,
For He will come like a rushing stream
Which the wind of the LORD drives.
20"A Redeemer will come to Zion,
And to those who turn from transgression in Jacob," declares the LORD.

21"As for Me, this is My covenant with them," says the LORD: "My Spirit which is upon you, and My words which I have put in your mouth shall not depart from your mouth, nor from the mouth of your offspring, nor from the mouth of your offspring's offspring," says the LORD, "from now and forever."(Isaiah 59:16-21)

.....Day and night they do not cease to say, "HOLY, HOLY, HOLY is THE LORD GOD, THE ALMIGHTY, WHO WAS AND WHO IS AND WHO IS TO COME." (Revelation 4:8)

My Job, Lessons Learned & God's Provision!!!

2008-11-10T13:32:00.000-05:00

I know this is long but PLEASE read it when you can. It is very important to me and I would greatly appreciate it!!! :-)

As you know the interview that I was supposed to have before leaving for vacation never happened. They never called for the interview and never called me back after I called them. They also never responded to my voice mail or e-mail........now the job is gone and I have no idea what happened.....other than to conclude that it was NOT the job that the LORD wanted me to have. So far I have received three rejections....not even given interviews and these are all for jobs that I am more than qualified for and even jobs that are the same exact thing that I do now! I applied for three more jobs since then and have still heard nothing.

I have been praying this whole time that the LORD would bring me to the job where HE wants me to be in order to further the advancement of the Gospel and to increase my boldness! I 100% accept that if that means HE wants me to stay at my current job of 25 hours per week in order for my boss or someone else to get saved, SO BE IT! If that means going outside of Harvard and losing the amazing benefits/vacation/perks, SO BE IT! If it means finding a full-time job (which is what I've been looking for from the beginning, I didn't CHOOSE part-time, it was what was hiring and the best transition for me when I moved back to MA) and taking a pay cut, SO BE IT!!!!!!! God already KNOWS!!!!!!

"The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps." (Proverbs 16:9)

I really believe that. God is teaching me a lot though in my current job situation. One main theme is, "How do you expect to be a great worker somewhere else when you are not being your best where you are at?" I do a great job and get everything done but am I striving towards excellence in all that I do? Sadly no. God has really been impressing this scripture on my heart,

"Slaves, in all things obey those who are your masters on earth, not with external service, as those who merely please men, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance It is the Lord Christ whom you serve." (Colossians 3:22-24)

God knows my situation. It does not take Him by surprise!!! :-) I have also had a good reality check recently, Jay kindly reminds me that ALL of my IMMEDIATE needs are being taken care of, God ALWAYS provides for me and has NEVER left me with nothing!!!! I was reminded of times in the past where I only had change in the bank, but you know what, I HAD change in the bank! Also, there were COUNTLESS time when the LORD blessed me through others who anonymously sent me money and left scriptures with it. Two of those scriptures I still remember and often reflect on them,

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands...." (Deuteronomy 7:9)

"I the LORD do not change. So you, O descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed. Ever since the time of your forefathers you have turned away from my decrees and have not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you," says the LORD Almighty. "But you ask, 'How are we to return?' "Will a man rob God? Yet you rob me. "But you ask, 'How do we rob you?' "In tithes and offerings. You are under a curse—the whole nation of you—because you are robbing me. Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not cast their fruit," says the LORD Almighty. "Then all the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be a delightful land," says the LORD Almighty. (Malachi 3:6-12)

So is this whole "job issue" really just a matter of the "heart" or completely "financial"?

I believe it is both. God has and is continuing to work on my heart, to be the best. I still fall short of this daily (as does the whole human race!) but I know in my heart and mind that I am not giving my best ultimately to the LORD through ALL that I DO and SAY in my life!!! Some may say that I am being too hard on myself and to give myself some grace. I understand that but the LORD has called us to a higher standard of living and I'm not trying to be a perfectionist, (none of us can even come close to perfection this side of Heaven) I am simply desiring to "up-the-Annie" so to speak and truly LIVE OUT LOUD the way the LORD calls me to attain to living. Apart from HIM I can't do anything, I don't even have the energy to think of living how I should. Honestly, plain and simple, I want to live as the person He made me to be!

I want to be an imitator of God! (Ephesians 5:1-2)

I want to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which I have been called! (Ephesians 4:1-3)

I'm sick of my own self, my whining, and especially at times my ungratefulness! I have NO ROOM to complain, I really don't! You know what, all of my immediate needs ARE being taken care of: Rent, Tithe, Food, Utilities and just enough to make minimum payments towards paying off my PAST debt (currently around $6,000).

Thank you to those who love me and have blessed me with other things such as treating me to dinner/movie/coffee/activities and for randomly giving me grocery items and/or money. My cousins Melissa/Mike who gave me a good deal while living with them which made my transition to MA smoother, my parents for letting me use their new car for a year without charging me anything and also for blessing me with the money I needed to get into my Apt. with Sandra, my sister Sondra (through Maria) who blessed me with an unexpected gift which allowed me to pay off a little debt and buy a chair for my living room.

I also thank God for Jay who has been an amazing support to me, who has helped me financially on countless occasions and blessed me with a winter coat/boots/clothing/etc. It is so humbling and I DO NOT like to ASK for anything. I NEVER want to look like "that needy girlfriend who can't fend for herself", but Jay said something amazing to me that I totally didn't expect for him to say, "Aren't I a husband in training? I want you to come to me. I want to know how to provide for you. Let me love you." THANK YOU GOD!!!

Sometimes I don't think I deserve such good treatment and blessing from God or anyone for that matter because I put myself into debt. I am NOT furthering my debt but because I was never able to pay it off completely and have only been able to make minimum or just over minimum payments, it of course just sits there and accumulates more interest/finance charges.....even after lowering my APR, transferring everything (for the most part) to one account, etc. Friends have encouraged me to not stress out so much about this and that I basically have my whole life to pay it off, but I HATE knowing that I owe so much (to me it is feels like $1 million dollars!)

Also, I just want to be the best steward of what God has entrusted to me. In thinking of my future with Jay, I know that in marriage (we are talking more about this and believe God is leading us in this direction but no plans yet folks) my debt will become his debt. I don't feel like that is fair to him to walk into marriage with debt when he doesn't have any. He basically told me though that it wasn't a big deal and that it would get paid off.

So basically I keep trying to take the "reins" of my life and think things like,

"Well, if I just got a really good-paying full-time job, especially still within Harvard, then I could pay off all my debt, be able to tithe beyond what I'm "supposed to", be able to financially support and bless the missionaries and ministries that I have been wanting to help for years, actually be able to HAVE money in my savings account, be better prepared for unexpected situations in the future, be able to not worry about having to buy "necessary" clothing/other items or doing something fun and not feel guilty about it, freedom to travel and especially to be able to go on mission trips. I DON'T need nor do I even desire to be rich!!!!! I honestly just want to have enough to live/tithe/save and BE ABLE TO BLESS OTHERS!!!!"

Thank you all for praying and continuing to pray for me as well as my roommate Sandra. She was laid off around a month and a half ago (the hospital she worked at closed down and 70+ people were layed off) and was receiving severance pay which just ended today. Well, PRAISE GOD THAT SHE GOT A NEW NURSING JOB AND STARTED TODAY!!!!!!!!!!! God is so awesome and comes through all the time......even at times when it's right down to the wire! HE IS GOOD!

I often tell people that God rewards faithfulness and obedience. I am also learning more and more that "Obeying the voice of the LORD is better than sacrifice" (1 Samuel 15:22)

I thank you all so much for your countless prayers on my behalf and ask you to continue to pray for me. Please let me know how I can be praying for you as well, I want to know your needs and I really want to pray for you!!!!! Let's all live as HE lived and let it be in such a way that we would continually walk in the manner worthy of the calling with which we have been called-AMEN!!!!!

In Him,
Sarha :-)

Jay's Heart and a Shared Prayer

2008-09-21T01:39:00.002-04:00

My love posted this today.

I am touched by his humbleness and desire to change.

It echos the ache I find in my heart at times......

To be better.

To love God more.

To enter into His Glorious Kingdom and to stand in the presence of the Almighty!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life

If anyone reads this, please pray for me. I want to just be a better person. For God, my girlfriend, my friends, and even myself. A lot of times I feel like I don't have the energy or willpower do to the simple little things that other people seem to have no problems with. I need to be less selfish and more generous. It's hard for me to open up. I want to know God more as well. I want to hear God say, "Well done faithful servant, enter in to joy today." I feel like I haven't been the most faithful servant. Not even close. I want to live life more abundantly and be in God's will.

Breaking open the Word of God.....

2008-09-03T22:24:00.003-04:00

Studying God's Word has been AWESOME! We are going through an End Times study at Sha'ar which has been interesting and informative.....as well as confusing sometimes. I like to ask a lot of questions. I am blown away by all the things that I've never heard before in the "traditional christian church" that seemed to either get skimmed over quickly or not talked about at all. I am also continually fascinated as I learn more about the Jewish roots and how I have been grafted into the family......while provoking the Jews to jealousy which prayerfully will result in their hearts turning to Yeshua Ha'Mashiach-The Messiah.

In my own personal study times (mainly on my train rides to and from work) I've mostly been reading in 1st and 2nd Samuel....well I started in Ruth....went into Judges and then just decided to keep going. It's been really cool! I'm really getting an up close and personal view of David's life. I've been moved by his deep friendship/kinship with Jonathan and identified with the pain of their separation. I was also touched and saddened by Saul's progressive downfall.......how he held David in high esteem and as a son.....then came to despise him out of jealousy and wanted to kill him. What touched me deeply was when Saul spoke this to David after David had spared his life.....

1 Samuel 24:16-20

16 Saul asked, "Is that your voice, David my son?" And he wept aloud. 17 "You are more righteous than I," he said. "You have treated me well, but I have treated you badly. 18 You have just now told me of the good you did to me; the LORD delivered me into your hands, but you did not kill me. 19 When a man finds his enemy, does he let him get away unharmed? May the LORD reward you well for the way you treated me today. 20 I know that you will surely be king and that the kingdom of Israel will be established in your hands.

I started a pretty basic bible study (Ames) with my roommate and we worked through our 1st lesson today. I was so proud of her and excited to see her get into the Word and read out loud, asking questions and reading the surrounding verses to get what the context of the scriptures is saying. I think we went for almost 2 hours and we only got through about half of the 1st lesson! Well, there is no better way to study the bible than to dig deep! Jay & I will be starting a bible study together as well. We don't have any structured format but the important thing is that we want to get in the word together (and individually of course) and allow the Lord to teach us and draw us closer to Himself and each other.

A couple weeks ago I started beseeching the Lord and asking Him again to show me what He wants me to do ministry wise......also letting Him know that I am still open to missions. I want to be a witness to the world!!! Well, just 2 days after I asked, He opened up a door for me to share about God's love, hope and salvation with a guy name John that I met on the train. I will definitely write more about him later-it is an intense story!!! There have also been 2 other people that I've met on the train (one of which works at my YMCA) that I've had the opportunity to chat with and talk about God!!!

God's Word is living and active and I'm amazed at how conversations have started just from people seeing me reading my Book and asking me what it is.

I tell them, "I'm reading the Bible, you have to arm yourself with the Word of God and fill yourself with The Truth everyday!"

AMEN!!!

He Loves Me!!!!!

2008-08-18T20:28:00.002-04:00

This morning Jay made me the happiest woman alive. He told me that he loves me!!!!!

I love him soooooooo much and I've actually loved him from the beginning.

He said he's been wanting to tell me but he was a bit scared and wanted to wait until he was ready.

Thank you GOD for bringing us into each others lives and at just the right time.

I found the one my heart loves.....

(Song of Solomon 3:4)

Leaving.....

2008-08-13T18:39:00.002-04:00

....."We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?"

Matthew 19:27

....."Everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life."

Matthew 19:29

My family will be leaving Massachusetts and making their journey back to life in Florida. But for the LORD'S SAKE, I will remain where He has me. He will fulfill the purpose He has for me. I will wait expectantly with my eyes fixed on Him, The Author and Perfecter of my Faith.....

Parched and dried up in this desert place.....

2008-07-30T23:09:00.003-04:00

Not much is going on, well at least nothing really note worthy. I've been pretty blah lately and haven't been who I used to be. My relationship with God just isn't where it was before. It was awesome last year....figures, it was during the most horrendous time of my life that my walk was almost at its best. Now, I don't know what's up. I don't feel close to Him right now. I haven't been feeling stirred by the Word or the Holy Spirit. I have been lazy with getting in the Word regularly and pretty much don't have a prayer life. I've let things come out of my mouth that shouldn't come out of it and I've allowed myself to do things that I shouldn't do. For months now I've felt like I'm just playing "lip service" to my faith and that people would hardly recognize that I'm actually a true believer. I hope this passes. I don't feel real. This is affecting every area of my life.

I'm not saying that everything lately has been all bad cause there have been a lot of good things that have happened too. I'm still loosing weight........Jay & I are doing well and getting closer each day, I love him a lot.......I got a dollar raise at work, stuff like that. But, I'm just not satisfied. I'm not fulfilled. I've been chasing after worthless things.....counterfeits......things to quickly feed my flesh to stop the hunger within......only leaving me with a gut-wrenching, gnawing hole bigger than the one I tried to fill with everything BUT God. I know that I know that I know that God IS exactly what I want and IS the ONLY thing that will completely satisfy and fulfill me and give me fullness of life. But, I can't see Him. I can't touch Him. I can't hear His audible voice. I can't wait for the misery and pressures of this world to end and for the peace of God to come.

I don't want to love the world.

I want to love God.

Please have mercy Oh LORD and lead me beside the still waters again.

Rain on me.

Goodbye to the 200+ pound woman!

2008-06-23T16:43:00.003-04:00

Spring 2007
Spring 2008

I am so happy, ecstatic, proud, giddy, excited, determined, motivated, etc!!!!!

For years I had hoped that one day I would be free of my 200+ body. And for years I just honestly didn't care enough about myself to really do anything about it. Last fall I finally got to the place in my life where I cared and I wanted to live a healthy lifestyle and honor God with my body. I started cutting down on my carb intake and really put forth effort into cutting out/down on bad foods/drinks and eating much healthier. And the best birthday gift I ever gave myself was joining the YMCA this past February. My highest weight was 218 and as of yesterday's weigh in at the gym, I am currently 188!!!!! I'VE LOST 30 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a lot more to lose but I am so excited about being healthy and looking and feeling better. Being overweight is so debilitating and robbed me of a lot of fun and happiness for years. NOT ANYMORE!!!!!!

GOODBYE 200+ WOMAN!!!!!! I WON'T BE SEEING YOU AGAIN!!!!!!!

End of the Six Months Fast!!!!!!

2008-05-10T17:22:00.003-04:00

That's right. The six months fast that I started with Jess last November has now come to an end! The LORD led me to fast the following items as a result of emotional shopping.

Clothes/Shoes/Accessories/DVD's/CD's/Books

I learned a lot during that time. I saw what my needs were and the dumb ways that I was trying to meet them.....which ended up hurting me more in the end. A lot has happened in these six months. I found the love of my life-Jay! Got some new responsibilities at work. Became the new Treasurer at my congregation. Got a new roommate and moved into an awesome apartment. Lost nearly 30 lbs. Gave myself the best birthday gift of joining the Y with my boyfriend and roommate. Jay and I are doing awesome and looking and feeling better every day!!!

I have been blessed and I know the LORD is going to continue blessing me out of his abundance and overflow of love for me!

One cool thing is that you think that now that the fast is over I'd want to run right out and buy everything in sight. Well, I honestly don't even have the money to do that!!!!! I've also learned the importance of being more disciplined. I believe that the LORD has been teaching me how to live.......to learn what I really need vs. what I just want. I love that He ALWAYS provides and sometimes surprises me by giving me what I want too! He rocks! Since I've lost weight though and warmer weather has finally arrived here in New England.......I do want to buy some new clothes.....especially some nice dresses! Good Ole Uncle Sam surprised me today when I went to the bank and saw that nice extra tax refund! Woohoo. My roommate and I will finally be able to buy a couch and I will buy some clothes and put the rest away in savings!

Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!! :-)

Loss

2008-05-04T11:39:00.003-04:00

Family belongings strewn across the driveway and garage.

Yard Sale.

Memories so old.

Clothes worn by loved ones.

Movies watched and music played.

Maria's candelabras.

Her household decorations.

I just can't use them. I've already taken so much.

Mom's old sewing machine and artwork I grew up looking at.

Leaving.

It's all leaving.

They are all leaving.

I am losing my family......

ALL

OVER

AGAIN.

Thank you GOD for sending Jay to me at just the right time. I don't know what I'd do without him. I need his comfort and love. Thank you for being so kind and sending more sunshine into my life.

I am not alone.

YOU

ARE

HERE

WITH

ME!!!

Pics from Melissa's Murder Mystery Dinner Party 5/2/08

2008-05-03T00:52:00.002-04:00

"Bodyguard Jay & Desert Flower"Sarha aka "Desert Flower"
Us :-)
More Us :-)
The (hot) Hat Kiss LOL :-)

Jay & Sarha sitting in a tree...K.I.S.S.I.N.G.

2008-04-20T20:58:00.004-04:00

Many asked.....so finally....here are our first "couple" pictures. Aren't we just so adorable! Yeah, I think so. We're pretty awesome. :-)

Yeah, Yeah......it's been a while!!!

2008-04-04T16:01:00.003-04:00

In no particular order, here goes an update.....

JAY AND LESSONS FROM THE LORD:

He is awesome. We are doing great. We are seeing just how much work it takes for a relationship to be healthy and successful!!! Never in my life have I put forth so much care and effort and being mindful of my mate's needs before my own selfish desires. I can honestly say that this is the first Real Christian relationship that I've been in. I have said for years that, "Next time, I am doing it God's way!" It's awesome to see that Jay's heart is in the same place. We won't compromise.

One thing that is a bit vulnerable to share but I will share it anyways because I think it could help some people out.....Jay is a virgin and I am not. I come with a past but I have been made new and clean by the life saving and giving blood of Jesus Christ. Jay used to always say that he would never be with a girl that wasn't a virgin. He says that he feels differently with me though and he knows that God has changed me and made me like a "born again virgin." So I am OK that he is a virgin and he's OK that I am not. However, I aint even gonna try to lie.....purity is really flippin' hard!!!!! Oh my GOD, help us!!!!! LOL Let me just say, we have seen that kissing (especially w/ tongue) is a "Gateway Drug".....it leads to other things.....either doing them or lustfully thinking about doing them!!!!! RUN TO THE HILLS!!!!!!!!

This is why GOD gave me this verse very early on in our relationship.....

Song of Solomon 8:4

4 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.

I didn't get it when GOD told me that. I mean I took it as He was saying that we couldn't be together or that it wouldn't work. He wasn't saying that at all. He literally was telling me not to arouse or awaken love UNTIL it so desires. So when is UNTIL? Until = MARRIAGE.....

IT IS UNITING...

Genesis 2:23-24

23 The man said,
"This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,'
for she was taken out of man."

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

IT IS HONORABLE, HOLY, PURE AND SACRED...

Hebrews 13:4

4Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

IT IS TO SET A GODLY EXAMPLE AND WITNESS...

1 Timothy 4:11-12

11Command and teach these things. 12Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

IT IS TO PROTECT AND KEEP US FROM TEMPTATION AND SIN...

Matthew 26:41

41 "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."

James 1:13-15

13 When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

IT IS FOR OUR GOOD, THAT WE MAY SHARE IN GOD'S HOLINESS...

Hebrews 12:1-12

God Disciplines His Sons

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13"Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

MY NEW ROOMMATE, SANDRA:

She rocks the "Hi-zouseeee!".....as I like to say. :-) God was VERY purposeful in putting us in each others lives!!! We have so much fun together and definitely DON'T act our age. LOL :-) To be honest, there is a big part of her that is so familiar to me....that really hits close to home. She reminds me of Tara.....even right down to Diet Pepsi!!! There are aspects of her past that mirror Tara's and my heart can identify and hurt when she hurts and rejoice when she rejoices. One thing that these true women of GOD have that is so amazing to see is......COURAGE!!!! Even when life can seem to hand you "hell on earth", they still keep up their courage and press on. I wish the road wasn't so long, hard, excruciating, dark and lonely at times. I wish I understood their struggles more. But the awesome thing about it is this.....GOD comforts us in our struggles so that we in turn can comfort others in theirs.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

The God of All Comfort

3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

MY CONGREGATION, SHA'AR HASHAMAYIM:

I love this family that I have become a part of. I continue to learn so much about GOD and understand the Holy Scriptures so much better. God's word IS living and active!!!! God's WORD-YESHUA IS LIFE!!!!! I feel like I am in bible school, which is good and something that I've wanted. I am actually still considering bible school but I don't have the money for it. We'll see what God does. I know that if He wants me to do something....that He ALWAYS provides a way for me to do it, I am confident about that. I love singing on the worship team and learning more Hebrew and Messianic songs. I am making more friends too which is awesome. I seriously have such a wide range of friends that come from all different walks of life. That is another thing that I love about this congregation. The people come from all different backgrounds.....it makes it so rich and beautiful! We learn a lot from each other and really pull through as a tight family when someone is in need or hurting. Thank you God!!! I continue to grow in confidence in my new role as Treasurer for the congregation. I understand that I am much harder on myself and I need to, as Rabbi Henry says, "Just relax, it's really no big deal." And you know what, it isn't. There are some challenges to it but I enjoy it and am growing.

MY FAMILY:

Well.....my parents and Evan are moving back to their home in Orlando, FL. around September. As sad as this makes me and I feel like I am losing my family all over again......I understand. Mom and Dad are having a really hard time since Maria passed away. Mom said that the only reason they moved back here was to try and save Maria's life. Also, they are renting out their house in Orlando and the tenants are wrecking it, so they need to get them out. And Dad really needs to retire. I'm pretty sure that Sondra and her girls will follow them back to Orlando. We'll see what happens with that. I would be the only one left in Massachusetts. I am OK with that though. I know that this is exactly where God wants me to be. I grow more and more confident of that every day as He continually gives me more and more glimpses into His promises for my future. The one thing that I am happy about is that Laura will have most of her family back as she is the last one left in Florida. My heart is glad for their reunion. And hey, I will visit frequently (I hope) and be able to stay with them. I'll also be able to see all my Floridian friends....I miss them all so much!!!

Matthew 19:27-30

27Peter answered him, "We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?"

28Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. 30But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

MY JOB:

They like me and actually just the other day commended me on "A Job Well Done!" So that was pretty cool. I do like my job and am getting to know the people better.....but there's still something missing. I know that something missing is GOD. I think I am the only Christian there...at least that I know of. I miss having the support of others and being able to stop and pray with them. My job pays the bills but honestly it doesn't provide much more than that financially. With just moving in a new apt and having other added bills......I can't really save for anything with what I'm making. I mean the hourly rate is AWESOME, but I don't get enough hours and they can't offer me anything more. So, I have thought about looking elsewhere within Harvard. That way I can keep the same benefits and they really are an exceptional place to work for and have a lot to offer. We'll see what happens. I need to really pray about it.

See ya lataaaaaaaa......

OK, that's enough of an update for now. I know there is more but I'm running on fumes right now. I am so thankful for the LORD'S friendship though. He is with me everyday.....even if I'm not drawing as close to Him as I should be.....he still actively pursues me and draws closer to me.

Thank you GOD for always extending your arms of love.....

Happy..........

2008-03-01T20:35:00.002-05:00

and In Love.

I am at my parents for the weekend.

Jay is with me.

He met my family for the first time and although he felt nervous at first, so far everything has been completely natural and really good. Thank you GOD!

I love that Jay loves my cooking.

That also makes me feel loved back.

He comforts me in a way that I've never been comforted.

I've been missing my sister Maria a lot lately and have found it hard to talk about her without crying.

He lets me cry.

He touches me on the shoulder or strokes my hair.

He holds me and just listens.

He doesn't try to fix me.....because he can't.....only God can and he knows that.

He just lets me be and that also makes me feel loved.

He takes care of me so well. He lays his hands on me and prays for me when I'm sick or hurting.

He challenges me and tells me like it is. And I do the same in return.

Our friendship is unconditional.

His purity encourages me and causes me to keep pressing on in the strength of my purity and the promised hope of marriage and the blessing of when "The two shall become one."

Thank you God for this "blind-sided surprise!"

For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

Psalm 57:10

Update!!!

2008-02-16T22:39:00.003-05:00

Where do I begin?! So much has already happened this month. I'll just jump right in.

Sandra and I moved into our new home in Quincy Center on Feb. 1st. It is absolutely amazingly awesome and beautiful! We are so happy!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!

My congregation, Sha'ar Hashamayim is AMAZING! IT IS MY HOME!!!!! THANK YOU AGAIN GOD!!!!!

Jay is a breath of fresh air. We fit. He is amazing and I have never been so happy with anyone before as I am with him. THIS IS REAL!!!!!!! We get so much closer as each day passes. And as each day passes I wonder how I went so long without him in my life. We are right and so good for each other. We spur each other on and encourgage one another in our walks with the Lord. We pray for each other and hold each other accountable. Again, we fit!!! He is my best friend and the missing peice of my heart. I stand amazed at God's goodness and all the amazing ways that He blesses and suprises His children. God definitely rewards Faith and Obedience!!!!!!!

Again and again and again.......

THANK YOU GOD!!!!!

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!
His faithful love endures forever!

Psalm 118:1

Changes

2008-01-23T23:31:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of changes happening in my life right now.

With open arms I welcome them.

Unafraid because the LORD himself has been preparing me for a while now.

I stand amazed at His goodness and grace.

Isaiah 43:15-19

15 I am the LORD, your Holy One,
Israel's Creator, your King."

16 This is what the LORD says—
he who made a way through the sea,
a path through the mighty waters,

17 who drew out the chariots and horses,
the army and reinforcements together,
and they lay there, never to rise again,
extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:

18 "Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

I got a new soul-mate friend, Jay (note to self: Sarha, when God speaks-listen and obey. He knows what He's doing and has good things in store for me. "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires!" Song of Solomon 8:4)

After a little over a year, last Friday I became a member of my congregation, Sha'ar Hashamayim. I am also their new Treasurer. I am so honored and blessed to be a part of this incredible family. I am truly HOME!

I just had my One Year Anniversary with Harvard Magazine and was asked to take on a new role in addition to my Gift Processing duties. The Classifieds Department's sole financial person. This is a great opportunity and I am genuinely excited to learn new things. I am also growing in confidence daily as I gain more knowledge for the future.

I am finally in a good place in my life where I truly value bettering my health. This is no longer a life long "New Year's Resolution" but a REAL way of life for me. I haven't been super restrictive but I am just choosing foods more wisely and staying away from "carb central". I know that when I board the carb train, it ends up taking me for a long ride and then decides to stay with me. So, I naturally have gotten better with lowering my carb intake. I've also cut out "emotional junk food fests" and instead I ask myself, "Am I really hungry, What's the real problem?" When I diagnose the problem properly then I can learn to treat it in the right way. I've also been walking a lot. It has helped that Melissa, Mike, Jay and I have been a team and a good support for each other. I still have a long way to go but I am ecstatic that for the 1st time in I don't actually know how many years, I am under 200 pounds! I currently weigh in at 197 and last year I got to my highest of 218! Thank you God for giving me the strength, courage, desire and stamina to keep moving forward!!!

I just got a new big, beautiful and so Sarha friendly apartment in Quincy Center with my friend and new roommate Sandra from church. God totally EXCEEDED my expectations with this place!!! It is on the 2nd floor of a two family house, has a 3 season sun room, a small back porch and large common area deck downstairs with a big bench and grill, tons of windows that let in lots of natural light which keeps the energy costs low, spacious living room, dining room and kitchen, brand new dishwasher, garbage disposal, toilet and bathroom sink and vanity, central air/heat, 2 ceiling fan/light fixtures, built in dining room hutch, newer berber looking carpet, our own laundry room right off the kitchen-no more going down to a basement to do laundry!, new paint, 2 good sized bedrooms and our own parking lot. The location is awesome! I will still be close enough where I can walk to the subway and not have to drive! The neighborhood is great and quiet with parks, restaurants and shops nearby. We are so excited to move in February 1st!!!!! I haven't had my "own place" since Heather Glen days back in Orlando. I MISS YOU TARA!!!!!!

God is so close to my heart. I feel the warmth of His touch as He holds my life in His hands, treasuring every moment with me and knowing that this is only the start of a Life Eternal with His Beloved!

Deuteronomy 33:12

12 "Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him,
for he shields him all day long,
and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders."

No, really...we're "just friends", right???

2008-01-10T16:28:00.000-05:00

Lately, it seems to be as if Jay & I are the newest movie featured on the Lifetime channel (as Mike puts it LOL). We've been good acquaintances for over a year through church, then I think in late November we just seemed to discover each other out of nowhere. Where the heck did he come from? Better yet, how did he fly under the radar without me detecting his awesomeness? LOL. It has been interesting. Since late Nov/early Dec we have spent almost every day either together or talking on the phone...um or both. :-) We found out that just when we thought we were so different...we were the same in so many cool ways. We just genuinely enjoy each others friendship and getting to know each other more as each day passes. We have gone on a couple dates and had some "snuggle fests", which later proved to be a bit much-Oops!

Unfortunately, you don't know how things are going to go until you experience them. I am so thankful for learning experiences, in the present and in hindsight. As a woman, well I guess I should not generalize women and say, For Sarha-it is hard not to let my heart jump ahead of my mind. My heart really started to feel a lot of things for Jay in just a months time-which freaked both of us out. I had NEVER felt those emotions for ANY man before in my entire life. IT WAS WEIRD!!!!! So, understandably that freaked Jay out. Initially I was DEVASTATED that his heart didn't match mine. He also did admit to unintentionally leading me on. To me it seemed as if we were both on the same page, at least outwardly. So, when we had "the talk", it came out that he felt like things were moving too fast and he feels bad that it takes him longer to "get there".

So, after that talk we have still been talking and hanging out but there haven't been any "snuggle fests", LOL. Which now I do see as being a good thing. We've even started a new healthier way of eating (along with Mike & Melissa) and are encouraging each other to live a better lifestyle. Jay & I are walking buddies too. I think we make a good team. :-) We are friends foremost but are still open to the possibility of becoming more. Only time and God will tell.

It is what it is.

And it is SO GOOD!!!

"Just Friends" and Lessons I've learned from God...

2008-01-06T00:53:00.000-05:00

Jay & I are just friends and I am surprising really OK with that. I can confidently say that it is God and God alone who is definitely helping me out with this. The LORD has really protected and shielded my heart.....even when I wasn't guarding it as well as I should have. I am extremely grateful for my continued friendship with Jay and the many wonderful things we shared and taught each other. It is what it is Jay Jay!!!!! :-) I also wanted to share just some of the many lessons the LORD has been teaching me lately through HIS WORD!!! They are pretty lengthy but definitely worth the read. I pray in the Life Giving and Powerful Name of our Holy Lord Jesus Christ, that you are strengthened and built up in your walk with HIM!!!

Jeremiah 17:5-10

5 This is what the LORD says:
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

6 He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

7 "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

8 He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

9 The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?

10 "I the LORD search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward a man according to his conduct,
according to what his deeds deserve."

Song of Solomon 8:4

4 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.

Proverbs 15:32-33

32 He who ignores discipline despises himself,
but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.

33 The fear of the LORD teaches a man wisdom,
and humility comes before honor.

1 Peter 3:8-9

8Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 9Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

Acts 11:19-24

19Now those who had been scattered by the persecution in connection with Stephen traveled as far as Phoenicia, Cyprus and Antioch, telling the message only to Jews. 20Some of them, however, men from Cyprus and Cyrene, went to Antioch and began to speak to Greeks also, telling them the good news about the Lord Jesus. 21The Lord's hand was with them, and a great number of people believed and turned to the Lord.

22News of this reached the ears of the church at Jerusalem, and they sent Barnabas to Antioch. 23When he arrived and saw the evidence of the grace of God, he was glad and encouraged them all to remain true to the Lord with all their hearts. 24He was a good man, full of the Holy Spirit and faith, and a great number of people were brought to the Lord.

Acts 20:23-24

23I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. 24However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

1 Corinthians 15:9-11

9For I am the least of the apostles and do not even deserve to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. 10But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. 11Whether, then, it was I or they, this is what we preach, and this is what you believed.

1 Thessalonians 5:10-11

10He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him.
11Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Hebrews 3:12-14

12See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. 13But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. 14We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first.

2 Peter 1:5-8

5For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 4:3-5, 18-21

3I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. 4My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. 5Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.

18Some of you have become arrogant, as if I were not coming to you. 19But I will come to you very soon, if the Lord is willing, and then I will find out not only how these arrogant people are talking, but what power they have. 20For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power. 21What do you prefer? Shall I come to you with a whip, or in love and with a gentle spirit?

Ephesians 4:1-6, 11-16

1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 4There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— 5one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

11It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, 12to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up 13until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

14Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. 15Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. 16From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

From my journal. 1-2-08 Wed 2:40pm.

2008-01-02T17:04:00.000-05:00

God-first of all-I praise you. I thank you for everything. The highs and lows of my life. The love you've shown me is incredible. I am not meaning to seem prideful when I say this but I used to not feel like I deserved your love or was worthy of it. Now-I not only feel that I am worthy of and deserve your love-but I truly believe it! You are my bridegroom and nobody on the face of this earth will ever be that or take your place. Not even my future husband someday. Not even my future children. Not even the church. Not even missions. No desire of my heart will EVER be greater than my love for you and my desire to know you more intimately everyday. You are the love of my life, my all, my great romance. I love you. I love you! I love you!

There are several things on my heart-the main thing is Jay Jay. I love him and I'm not sorry for it. He is my brother. He is my best friend. I love him like I love my family. He is the missing piece that I didn't fully know I needed. Right now his heart doesn't match where mine is at and that's OK. He's not doing anything wrong. We are just moving at different paces. That's human. That's normal. Help me Lord to guard my heart as best as I can being a woman who is an emotional, sensitive, hugely affectionate love bug. Help me to stop before I know I should stop and help me to be prepared before moving forward.

Above all things LORD-You are my Master, my Maker, my Daddy and my Bridegroom. You have the key to my heart that only Jesus owns.

I LOVE YOU!
Sarha

Who is Jay?.....

2007-12-26T11:02:00.000-05:00

someone asked.

Jay is my new BFF or as he says BFL (best friend for life) :-) ;-P >:o)

We have known each other for a year now. We go to the same congregation and he is one of Mike's (my cousin Melissa's husband) best friends.

Jay rocks-literally!

He is a great musician and writer. He plays electric and acoustic guitar, bass and has messed around with the drums some. He has written a lot of his own music and is currently the bassist for "Preachers", a Christian punk band with Mike and Pat. He plays for The King of Kings!!!

Jay is soooooooo metal that it practically seeps from his pores! hahahahaha

God has such a great sense of humor with us! We could not be more opposite! Yeah, so it's basically pretty awesome. :-)

Right now I guess we are "undefined" and we're OK with that.

We are best friends. We have feelings for each other. We talk until the wee hours of the night, for some reason it always seems to be around or past 2am when we are saying goodbye-Yikes! Can you say COFFEE?! hahaha

We can talk to each other about anything and without fear.

We trust each other.

He gives great "hubba hubba" hugs! :oP

God is our common thread, the golden fiber that is weaving our friendship together.

God first in all things.

We love, cherish and honor HIM.

God has put us in each other's lives.....

For such a time as this!

Godfrey

2007-12-21T22:18:00.000-05:00

It was very crowded this morning on the subway. The snow and cold from the night before and the remnants of it today brought more people on the trains. Usually I get a seat right away but it wasn't until I got to Park Street that I was able to sit down. I slid over one seat which allowed for an older African man to sit down. He took his seat beside me and said, "Thank you. How are you this morning?" We then proceeded to make a little small talk which is something I rarely ever find myself engaging in when riding the T.

After the silence broke up our small talk, I took out my bible and began to read in Psalms from where I left off the day before. As I was reading, I happened to notice out of the corner of my eye how worn this gentleman's hands were and he moved them around every so often. I kept reading my bible hoping that it would spark his curiosity and maybe God would spark an interest in his heart for Jesus. After many stops later, I reached my Harvard destination and closed my bible and placed it back into my purse. Then the gentleman said to me, "That's good." And to my surprise, without any hesitation I said, "You have to arm yourself with the Word of God every day." He said, "That's right."

Even though we had reached our destination and were getting off the train, we kept talking. In a brief time span of about 3 minutes I shared my Christmas plans and about the loss of my sister. He had so much compassion in his eyes. I really felt it. Then he shook my hand. I asked for his name and he said, "Godfrey." I then introduced myself and we shook hands again. When we got off the platform we said our goodbyes and gave each other God's blessings and he reached out and hugged me! It was incredible! I felt like he was an angel sent by God. As I headed up the escalator I heard singing. When I got to the top there was a huge choir singing, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", right there in the subway station! It was the most beautiful thing I've heard in a long time. They sounded so angelic.

My heart is touched.

The LORD is good.

He rejoices over me with singing.

Guarding My Heart With Mesh.....

2007-12-20T22:21:00.000-05:00

Instead Of Stone.

Above all else, guard your heart,

for it is the wellspring of life.

(Proverbs 4:23 )

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:

Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

(Song of Solomon 8:4)

God this is hard.

But it is so beautiful.

Please walk with Jay and I as we journey down this road together,

not fully knowing where it's leading,

surrendering our hopes and dreams to you.....

Our Creator who knit us together in our mother's womb,

Who has all our days ordained in Your Book,

Will our stories meet in the middle and finish together?

I don't know.

I don't have to know right now.....

You will make it clear.

Your timing is perfect.

All we have to do is continue to walk alongside you,

keeping ourselves open to Your Will.

My hands are empty,

waiting to be filled.

I stand.

A lady in waiting.

Just close your eyes.....

2007-12-05T18:33:00.000-05:00

and it'll go way.....it'll get better.

Sometimes when I find myself in pain, heartache or deep longing.......it helps to just close my eyes.

After work today I "took myself out" to a movie. I went to see "Dan in Real Life" and I highly recommend it. I won't share a lot of details in case any of you go see it. But I will say this......it made me really feel. It made me want to cling a lot longer to the promised hope of my future husband. It caused me to not waver in believing without a doubt what the Lord told me when I was driving in my car about 2 years ago. He told me, "You're getting married.....he's coming soon."

I have been going through an intensely deep longing period lately. I'm "missing" my husband. I don't know where he is, who he is, what he'll look like or be like.....but I am so excited to meet him. My heart is very heavy. I've been describing it as a woman whose husband has gone off to war and she stands at the window to keep watch for his safe return home.

I've also been sad about no longer having my big sis around. I miss her a lot and have been struggling to remember what she looked like when she was well. I try hard to envision her in my mind and sometimes have to get a picture of her. I am afraid that I'll forget what she looks like. Last night I held a picture of her on my chest and talked to her.....telling her how much I love and miss her. I put her picture on my nightstand and held my hand out to hold hers. Then I dreamt about her. I just saw her face. She turned to look at me and smiling big she said, "Hi!" and waved to me. I woke up crying but was comforted by how happy she was.

Even in the midst of my longing and sadness, I am happy. I have been so giddy and free lately and people have noticed the difference in me. Last night at bible study I was so silly and lighthearted. I was goofing off, doing silly dances and making up crazy songs after worship practice. I played the piano a lot and taught Mike how to play "Unchained Melody." Man, I love the piano and really want to take it up again.

Before we left Jay said to Melissa, "Sarha is so childlike." That made me smile. On our way home last night Melissa said to me, "I don't know what's going on with you but for the past 2 weeks you've been really different.....funny and so carefree.....like a huge load has been lifted off of you." My response was, "He turned my wailing into dancing."

A load has been lifted off of me. It is God's doing. He's taking care of His girl.

You turned my wailing into dancing;

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.....

that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.

Psalm 30:11-12

Fasting for six months...

2007-12-02T11:45:00.000-05:00

Although it would be cool to be super human and be able to fast from food for six months......that's not what I'm doing. I made a pact with Jess last month that we would fast some things that we love for six months. The main thing that we shared was clothes. I have become more aware lately of the amount of money I spend on things needlessly and carelessly. God has put me in a living situation that is ideal for saving money which I haven't been doing at all.

I have found myself "emotional shopping". It unfortunately has been very therapeutic for me during my family's excruciating and stressful times over this past year. There are a lot of good things that I want to do but don't have the money for because as soon as I get paid my money is gone off to paying store cards after shopping sprees. So with the new and sad awareness of my bad spending habits the Holy Spirit spurred me on to fast for 6 months. So the things that I love and am fasting from buying are:

Clothes/Shoes/Accessories
DVD's
CD's
Books

I am also fasting these things because I want to hear from the heart of God. I long to intently tune into His Voice and His Word.....which is living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword, penetrating even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; judging the thoughts and attitudes of my heart. Nothing hidden from His sight. Everything uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom I must give account. (Hebrews 4:12-13)

I want to receive His instruction and counsel in regards to my future and the way in which I should go. Yielding to His Holy Spirit and not fighting Him like and stubborn mule that needs to be controlled by a bit and bridle in order to come to Him. (Psalm 32:7-9, Proverbs 22:6, Isaiah 48:16-18, Psalm 143:7-9)

There are a lot of changes coming ahead for me. This time I am openly welcoming them. I am not scared. I am not nervous. And I am not worried. I am excited and thrust my arms up towards His Holy Hill.

No need to hold on for dear life.....

I freely let go and enjoy the ride.

I run in the path of your commands,
for you have set my heart free.
(Psalm 119:32)

My husband.....

2007-11-25T02:51:00.000-05:00

I miss him.

How can I miss someone so incredibly much when I haven't even met him?

I can feel him.

He's close.

I'm praying for him.

I've cried out for his well-being.

I smile at our future.

I'm still being prepared for him.

A bride eagerly awaiting but still living.

Hopeful.

Living life freely.

Heart completely open to my Savior.

One day He'll bring us together.

Our notes will find each others song.

We are a beautiful and intricate rhapsody.

I love you.

California, good times and laughter...

2007-11-13T14:50:00.000-05:00

"Aaaahhhhh". That's what I say with a pleasant sigh as I reflect on how awesome this time in Cali has been. I have never felt so relaxed in my life. This was exactly what I needed. I rested a lot! I'm not just referring to sleep either. I truly learned how to Rest in the presence of my Heavenly Daddy. I don't have to DO or BE anything with Him. I just Am.

Man, I have not laughed sooooooooo stinkin' much as I did this past week. It was awesome!!!!! I have missed those free spirited stupid moments. Jess, Rachael and I had the BEST girl night. Some memorable quotes from that night are:

"Um, I belong to BMG and I don't know if I can do that." (As I protested the idea of not buying cd's for six months)

"Wait a minute, you belong to BMG and you only have 100 songs on your iPod?!"

"Just go lick a knife!"

"International flavaaaaaa!" (Gotta love those foreign men)

Some other hilarious quotes from Jess's family that were as equally memorable are:

"I'm not freaking out!" (As Susanne was yelling and um....well....clearly freaking out)

"I don't want to fight about it." (As I inquired as to why Nate would buy mittens with the fingers cut out of them-which I clearly thought defeated the purpose of wearing mittens to keeps your hands warm, which would seem to include your fingers)

Man, I loved spending such quality time with Jess, her contagious laughter and smile! Fashion sense and style. Being so relatable!!! Dark beer-Yeaaahhh! I also really love her family and her cute little dog Oscar-He is sooooo funny! I had a great time swimming with Susanne and our thrift store marathons!!! Her love for her hummingbirds and her funny expressions. Sushi and Wine-YUM! Al is great. I like his distinguished look and the father vibe that comes off of him. Although, I'll still never understand how he has a boat but doesn't go fishing!!!!! That's like saying there's no water in the ocean! Yikes! :-) I'll miss him chasing the dog with the guitar and running around the kitchen as Oscar tried to get the can of soda. I love Nate's beaming smile which was the very first thing that stood out to me when we first met. His unexpected humor and his love for the song 'Umbrella'. Also, the shock factor in being introduced to 'Curb Your Enthusiasm', but dying of laughter and the awesome scenic drive that he took Jess and I on.

I haven't experienced such awesome community and fellowship as I did here in a long time. It was really authentic. The people of Cornerstone and Sanctuary are awesome. The weather is great. It was mainly in the low to mid 60's the whole time I was here and everybody was cold and I felt like it was a heat wave! :-) I got to fulfill a long dream of mine-get a professional massage and boy was it awesome!!!!! I also did some other pampering stuff like get a spa pedicure and manicure and shopped 'till I dropped! I slept in a bed that was clearly straight from heaven and enjoyed having the private sanctuary of my own bedroom and bathroom. I loved playing the piano and remembering how wonderful it is. I had some really good journal, cry and prayer sessions with God and realized how truly good it is to have your faith stretched hard.

Man, I don't want to go home today. I'm not ready. But the prayer that I'm leaving with that has been imprinted on my heart for days is this:

"Lord Jesus, please forgive me for choosing to let the love of the world in with all it's cares, worries, counterfeits and false promises. I just want you Lord. Jesus, I JUST WANT YOU!!!"

Resting...

2007-11-09T20:09:00.000-05:00

I am in California right now visiting Jess and it has been wonderful. God knew just what I needed and right when I needed it. This trip has been a gift right from His hands. I have been "Resting" a lot. I have not really talked to God or read the bible much since I've been here.......but I have just been still and silent and Rested in His presence. He speaks to me even when I'm not talking to Him. He hears me even when I haven't called His name. And He embraces me even when my arms are to weak to hold out.

Thank you for letting me Rest in the shelter of your love.

Maria Mercedes Caraballo 2/4/1967-10/28/2007

2007-10-29T18:32:00.000-04:00

You were a GIFT born into this world.......

And into heaven you are a TREASURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU SISSY AND CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU AGAIN IN OUR FATHER'S HOUSE!!!!!

7 Years

2007-09-03T10:09:00.000-04:00

It's been 7 years since I got saved. God persistently pursued me through a one of a kind Texan pastor and a little church. As my eyes opened up like a newborn baby and were flooded with the light of Christ, then my heart began to change as well. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I call the verses below my 'salvation verses'. I found them early on in my walk with God and felt such a personal touch from Him as the words came alive. It seemed as if He stood over me as I laid there in my slumber of Darkness and Ignorance..... and He poured out the Word from His mouth all over me, filling my room with His Brilliant Light and Truth.

Isaiah 65:1

I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me; I was found by those who did not seek me. To a nation that did not call on my name, I said, 'Here am I, here am I.'

Ephesians 5:13-14

But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light.

For this reason it says,

Awake, sleeper,

And arise from the dead,

And Christ will shine on you."

Although it seems like 7 years is far removed..... it also sometimes still feels close at hand. In many respects I have clearly come a long way from where my life used to be and how I was living 7 years ago. Unfortunately, there are some things from my old life that spring up in my new that I struggle with. Sometimes I think that they're long gone and dead. Other times they seem to flare up with new life in them. In my struggle with sin I recall this thought:

'Satan is quick to remind and God is quick to forget'.

I thank God that Jesus is right there with me fighting on my behalf. I am not alone.

Hebrews 4:14-16

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Hebrews 7:24-26

...but because Jesus lives forever, he has a permanent priesthood. Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.

Such a high priest meets our need—one who is holy, blameless, pure, set apart from sinners, exalted above the heavens.

Romans 8:26-28

In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;

and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

The number 7 seems to be the most significant number in the Bible. I've heard it said that 7 is 'God's number' and is associated with His divine completion and perfection. I did a search on http://www.biblegateway.com/ for 'seven' and in the King James Version it came up 562 times! I wonder if my 7th year of salvation will be very significant and stand out from the rest. This year has been very hard. I've experienced a lot of change in my life and in the life of my family. I've struggled in my walk with God and sometimes feel that I've desensitized myself to the voice of the Holy Spirit. I don't know if that's really possible because I know that I am never far from God's reach.

John 10:3-5

The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice.

Father God, thank you for calling me out by name and choosing me. Thank you for providing the only way to You through the death and resurrection of your precious son Jesus Christ. Thank you that through Him I have the greatest gift ever..... Salvation and Eternal Life!

Philippians 1:6

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

2007-08-28T21:50:00.001-04:00

365 Days-Learning from Yesterday to move forward into Today

2007-08-28T19:33:00.000-04:00

It has been a year since I left Orlando for Boston, made a u-turn after 3 weeks and headed back to Orlando, spent 4 months with my family helping Maria, struggled to understand what the heck God was doing, worked at unscrambling my thoughts and tried to help God with figuring out the who, what, when, where and why of my life.

As I reflected on the past year this thought came to my mind,

"Learn from yesterday in order to move forward into today.....and don't worry about tomorrow, God is already there!"

I have found that to be so true in my life, especially lately. There have been both good and bad things that have come into my life over these past 365 days. I have found myself in an awkward place right now.....with God and life in general. I'm not sure if it's a "wilderness" experience or not. It's just different. I haven't been here before and I find myself stumbling like a baby learning to walk.

Stumble (Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary)
intransitive verb
1 a: to fall into sin or waywardness b: to make an error : blunder c: to come to an obstacle to belief
2: to trip in walking or running
3 a: to walk unsteadily or clumsily b: to speak or act in a hesitant or faltering manner
4 a: to come unexpectedly or by chance b: to fall or move carelessly

Wow, I am amazed at the 1st definition of stumble! To be totally honest I have found myself 'falling into sin and waywardness' this year. For some reason I am always quick to forget that I am not the 'only one' in this struggle with sin. I am continually reminded of my weaknesses, shortcomings and dependency on Christ alone. I know that Jesus is my foundation and when I stand on The Rock I will truly stand firm in Him and not fall. I am greatly humbled as I think upon His never ending steadfast mercy and grace. Tonight the love and sacrifice of the Savior is freshly renewed in my heart, mind and soul. And the words to an old hymn fall off my lips along with tears of repentance, gratitude.....and a humble heart.

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

Come Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of God's unchanging love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Hither by Thy help I'm come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let that grace now like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Finding My Roots...

2007-08-15T17:52:00.000-04:00

SH'MA
Deuteronomy 6:4-9

SH’MA YISRAEL, ADONAI ELOHENU, ADONAI ECHAD!
BARUCH SHEM, K'VOD MALCHUTO L'OLAM VA-ED!

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is One!
Praised be His Name, whose kingdom is forever and forever!

4 Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. 5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

I love the Name and Power of GOD! I learn a bit more Hebrew every time I go to my congregation, Sha'ar Hashamayim (The Gate of Heaven) http://www.shaarhashamayim.org/ and I get so excited when a Hebrew song or prayer randomly pops into my head! For most of today the Sh'ma (above) has been in mind and on my lips. I am freshly blown away and in awe of how God is I AM. He is all, in all and above all things. I shake my head in wonder when I try to comprehend all that God is.

1 Corinthians 2:6-16 (NIV)

Wisdom From the Spirit

6We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. 7No, we speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. 8None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. 9However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"— 10but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. 11For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. 12We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. 13This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words. 14The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. 15The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgment: 16"For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?" But we have the mind of Christ.

There comes a time in a person's life when they do some searching. They may wonder where they come from, what their lineage is, who their ancestors are. In my congregation, I am in a great 'eye, mind, soul and heart opening' place of finding out where the Christian roots come from. These are great truths and help me to understand the Word of God so much better. Everything has finally clicked on in my brain and come to life and I wonder why the heck wasn't any of this ever taught to me before in 'the church'? I am starting a book called, "Our Father Abraham, Jewish Roots of the Christian Faith" by Marvin R. Wilson (http://www.amazon.com/Our-Father-Abraham-Jewish-Christian/dp/0802804233) which I'm sure will be eye-opening.

I'm really encouraged as I continue on my journey with God and as in Ephesians 1:17-19 I pray this for myself and for you:

17I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. 18I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 19and his incomparably great power for us who believe.

Somewhere in-between Fear and Faith

2007-06-30T11:56:00.000-04:00

I am scared. My sister is not well. Just last month she was doing great.....tumors had shrunk so much that one of them barely picked up on the MRI. It was a miracle! Now they say they have found something "new". Now she can barely eat or stay awake throughout the day. Mom is on a much needed overnight retreat with her sister so I came to stay at my parent's for the weekend to be with Maria & Evan. As soon as I walked through the door and saw and heard my sister fear flooded me. Right away I saw how much thinner she's gotten just from the last time I saw her 2 weeks ago. Then witnessing her mind not being sound did me in. As soon as the fear hits I have to pray.

"OK LORD, the fear is back again, please take it away. I know that you told me that Maria is healed. I know that you gave me Psalm 118 for her and in that it says 'I will not die but I will live to tell what the Lord has done!' I know that you spoke the words 'Dissolve and Destroy' to my mother and she believed you were speaking to the cancer. So what the heck is going on? This doesn't make sense. Help me to trust you!"

Then I wrestle with some pretty morbid thoughts and I have to fight them off as if flailing my arms around to ward of a swarm of bees. Speaking of bees, Psalm 118:10-14 says...

10 Though hostile nations surrounded me, I destroyed them all with the authority of the Lord. 11 Yes, they surrounded and attacked me, but I destroyed them all with the authority of the Lord. 12 They swarmed around me like bees; they blazed against me like a crackling fire. But I destroyed them all with the authority of the Lord. 13 My enemies did their best to kill me, but the Lord rescued me. 14 The Lord is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.

When I'm afraid and my faith starts to weaken, God repeatedly calls out and says "DO NOT FEAR FOR I AM WITH YOU!"

Psalm 27
Of David.

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. 3 Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. 4 One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. 5 For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. 6 Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD. 7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD; be merciful to me and answer me. 8 My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek. 9 Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior. 10 Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me. 11 Teach me your way, O LORD; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors. 12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence. 13 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. 14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Evan & Isabella-This is why I love them!!!

2007-06-02T12:19:00.001-04:00

I'm Alive...

2007-05-27T16:38:00.000-04:00

Hello World, it's been a while. There's a lot that I want to share but it'll come a little later. I will say that I have found myself lately in a place that is undesirably familiar.....

The Wilderness..........

I foolishly took my eyes off of my Redeemer and cast my gaze upon another.

Hosea 2 (NIV)

1 "Say of your brothers, 'My people,' and of your sisters, 'My loved one.'

Israel Punished and Restored

2 "Rebuke your mother, rebuke her, for she is not my wife, and I am not her husband. Let her remove the adulterous look from her face and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts.

3 Otherwise I will strip her naked and make her as bare as on the day she was born; I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst.
4 I will not show my love to her children, because they are the children of adultery.
5 Their mother has been unfaithful and has conceived them in disgrace. She said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.'
6 Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

7 She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.'
8 She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold—which they used for Baal.
9 "Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens, and my new wine when it is ready. I will take back my wool and my linen, intended to cover her nakedness.
10 So now I will expose her lewdness before the eyes of her lovers; no one will take her out of my hands.
11 I will stop all her celebrations: her yearly festivals, her New Moons, her Sabbath days—all her appointed feasts.
12 I will ruin her vines and her fig trees, which she said were her pay from her lovers; I will make them a thicket, and wild animals will devour them.
13 I will punish her for the days she burned incense to the Baals; she decked herself with rings and jewelry, and went after her lovers, but me she forgot," declares the LORD.

14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.

15 There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.

There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

16 "In that day," declares the LORD, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.'

17 I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked.

18 In that day I will make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field and the birds of the air and the creatures that move along the ground. Bow and sword and battle I will abolish from the land, so that all may lie down in safety.

19 I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.

20 I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD.

21 "In that day I will respond," declares the LORD—"I will respond to the skies, and they will respond to the earth;
22 and the earth will respond to the grain, the new wine and oil, and they will respond to Jezreel.

23 I will plant her for myself in the land; I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one.' I will say to those called 'Not my people,' 'You are my people'; and they will say, 'You are my God.' "

Thank you LORD for keeping your vows.......for always being faithful even when at times I wander away from you and get tangled up in the thorns and thistles of this world. Thank you for pulling the prickers out of my flesh and for washing my wounds with your healing balm.

Thank you for bearing what I could not.....

The Cross

Orlando "Drive By" Visit

2007-04-09T00:08:00.000-04:00

The last weekend of March I flew down to my "other home" of Orlando, FL to help dad load up my parents big ole moving truck and then make the long journey with him to my parents new home in Brookfield, MA. I was only in town for a couple of days but I made the most of it to spend some good quality time with my sisters, nieces, friends and ex-coworkers.

I arrived in warm Orlando on Thursday evening and was picked up by my best bud Tara. I was so happy to see her and we easily jumped right back into being our 2 year old selves. :-) Then my first stop was spending the night at my sister Laura's house. It was so awesome to see Laura, John, Kayla, Isabella, Sondra and best of all my new niece Mia Jolie who was born on January 19th! She is the sweetest little baby ever! I got to have a sleepover in Isabella's room and snuggle with her in her castle bed-she sure is a princess alright. :-) She gave me lots of love which I have missed so much.

On Friday I brought a pizza lunch to my 2nd family at GCM and had a great time of fellowship with my old co-workers. It was good to catch up on each others lives, joke around and laugh. I have missed that closeness in the workplace. It was such a blessing to spend time with them again. Friday evening I got together with some of my closest friends for dinner at Thai Basil. Great company and great food....Mmmm Mmmm! :-)

Saturday was the big loading day. Thank God for all of the amazing helpers we had- friends, family, folks from GCM and h2o. We truly couldn't have done it without them-THANK YOU!!!!!!! It felt weird saying goodbye to my parents house in Orlando. We had so many good times there. One thing that I love about my parents is that their home was always open to people. My mom actually often had get togethers and pool parties 'just because'-there didn't even really have to be a special occasion. We all loved being with each other and having a good time. :-)

Saturday night was really special. Laura and Sondra both just had their birthdays in March so we all went out to dinner at Longhorn's to celebrate and spend time together. It was a big gathering-Me, dad, Laura, John, Kayla, Isabella, Sondra, Kreg, Mercedes, Mia, Tara, Rosie, Cathryn and Kevin.
Sunday morning came too quickly and along with it a bit of sadness. I wish I had more time to spend in Orlando-especially with my sisters. I miss them a lot. I am excited about the possibility of my nieces Mercedes and Kayla coming to Boston for a week this summer to stay with me. I can't wait!!! I'm sure I'll make frequent visits to Orlando-maybe my next one will be in the Fall.

All in all my time was literally short and sweet but reallyyyyyyyyy good! :-)

Thawing Hearts & God's Goodness

2007-03-06T19:28:00.000-05:00

So much has been going on....good stuff though. Work, church, family and home life have been great. My only real complaint I would say has been that I keep getting sick. The weather really fluctuates here. When I first arrived in late December 2006 it was between 40-50 degrees which was awesome and I only needed to wear a light jacket or sweater. Then the weather went down to the low 20's-mid 30's on average and even plummeted to 3 degrees one day. Last weekend it was beautiful and strangely warm-58 degrees!!!! Now it's back in the teens and once again I am sick. I hope I get used to the weather soon-my body needs a break!

God has used the cold weather to speak something so deep to me that pierced my heart. He said, "Like the ice that's frozen all around you, I will thaw the hearts of these people." I pray that He does! I am clinging to that wonderful promise. I have been reading so much of the Word and it continues to be explosive and enlightening in a way that I never experienced before moving back to MA. The Gospel has been afresh in my heart and I feel that God is building up my knowledge of the Word and confidence in speaking it out in a huge way!!! It has been really exciting. One day I was just so taken back and amazed at how far I have come since I came to know the Lord......how far removed from my old life I am......how I don't even really know how to live the way I used to anymore.......how it would feel like I was pretending if I even tried to live an ungodly life. I mean don't get me wrong, I am still a sinner, but I don't want to deliberately sin anymore. God has been teaching me a whole lot more about sin and obedience. Not obeying just because in the end it's good for me, which it is, but because I whole-heartedly love my Heavenly Father and want to live according to His ways. I truly want to be holy because God is holy and I am His child.
1 Peter 1:15-16 And I want to share in His holiness. Hebrews 12

God has also shown me some things that are of new interest to me....things that I never really gave much or any thought to before. For instance, there is a high school right down the street from my house that I walk by everyday on my way to the subway station. I see teenagers out there all the time and there is also a G.O.A.L.S. program center directly across the street from the school. I suddenly felt a bit of a burden for high schoolers that I didn't have before. About five years ago I used to volunteer with my old church's youth group. The main things that I did was make lunches for the group and pray for them. I didn't really have one on one bonding time with any of them....well maybe with the exception of one student. For some strange reason I had felt really intimidated by youth and didn't know how to possibly relate to them. So often, whenever I was around youth I felt just like I did when I was a teenager-a bit of a loner at times and very shy. So, I don't know if God wants to do something with this or not. I'm open to it though.

It's no secret that I have a heart for the nations to be reached and since being here in Boston it has increased big time!!! Boston and surrounding cities are so international. The neighborhood where I live in North Quincy is very Asian. When I ride the subway I love looking around at all the people....such a variety. Today I was struck with how God created us all so different and unique. I can't even count how many nations were represented from just my subway rides! I get so excited hearing people speak in different languages and it gives me a glimpse of what it will be like in heaven one day-when all nations will come and worship before God. Revelation 15:3-4

God has been doing some awesome things in the lives of my family members. We have really been experiencing His goodness.....to the point of overflowing! Maria's brain shunt surgery went great! She was released from the hospital the very next afternoon! She wasn't in any pain either. Mom & I saw an immediate difference in how she looked (so much color back in her face) and walked. She is such a trooper. She also finally received social security for her & Evan. What a burden the Lord has lifted! God is amazing! Please continue to pray for her. She starts a new chemo treatment tomorrow.

A really cool thing happened a couple weeks ago when my cousins & I went to my mom's for the weekend. Maria had been telling me that she's been craving some good Praise & Worship, so we brought it right to her. Mike plays the guitar and he, myself and Melissa all sing well-so we led a time of worship and prayer for Maria. It was me, Mike, Melissa, Maria, Evan, Mom and my cousins Cindy and her daughter Gwen.

I was very encouraged that Gwen came. She has been very closed off to God and now there is definitely evidence of change. She has started attending a weekly bible study that my cousin Jamie leads and she stayed for the whole worship & prayer time for Maria-and even sang along a bit! She said that she really enjoys the bible studies and the way that our cousin Jamie breaks down the Word in a way that she can understand. Please pray for Gwen-that she would be one who receives the seed that fell on good soil, hears the word and understands it and produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Matthew 13:23 I was also touched in a very special way as I watched my 3 yr old nephew move to the music during worship. After we finished praying he looked up and said, "I like those stories." Mom & Maria told me that he loves to pray and go to church with our cousin Laureen (Jamie's mother). Little Evan is so precious! What a warrior for God I pray he will become one day.

I've also been thinking lately about my future husband. I currently am not involved in a relationship nor are there any prospects on the horizon. I've been reading up more on the scriptures that address marriage and singleness and have been challenged in a new way. One thing that really struck me was where it says, "I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. 1 Corinthians 7:32-35

My heart really wants to do whatever will help me serve the Lord the best, with as few distractions as possible. So, am I saying that I think I have been called to singleness? I don't think I'm saying that. I am saying that I have sought the Lord and prayed about that more. However, I do believe with all of my heart that the Lord told me that I am going to be married. I believe He's also given me bold promises for me, my husband and our future children. But, I am not married, I am 28 which in this day and age in society (and to some of my family) is like 50-so my time is quickly running out right?! Well, I honestly don't think it is. I am content right where God has me in my life right now. I am confident that I am where He wants me to be. I know what the Lord spoke to me in our secret place and I will continue to treasure up all these things and pondered them in my heart just as Mary did when the shepherds spread the news of Jesus' birth. Luke 2:19

I want God to have His way in every area-every little nook and cranny of my life. I don't want to be unwilling or refuse to yield to Him. I pray that I choose to follow in His footsteps daily.....even though His footprints are bigger than my little feet. He knows that. And I know that I can rest in His shadow and dwell in safety there.

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

A little tidbit

2007-02-07T22:21:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted an update in a while and trust me-it hasn't been due to lack of material! There's so much I want to blog about that it's hard to find a starting point. I have been inspired to write off and on but then don't because I am tired or don't feel like it at the moment. So here are some random tidbits until I get into my full blogging swing again.

It's really cold-so cold that when I walk to the subway in the morning it feels like the insides of my nostrils have frozen up. It's a weird sensation. And I pray-"Lord-please help me, please God help me get through this." Then I remember how I still need to buy earmuffs and a hat or something....even if it's one of those dorky looking hats with built in ear cover things-hey fashion doesn't matter at this point-if it keeps me warm it's good for me!

I LOVE THE WORD OF GOD!!! It has been so explosive! I am getting more out of the bible and understanding it in a way that I never have before. This is awesome! I have been filling my little "verse book" up and treasure being able to write at least one down during my 15 minute lunch break. I began reading in Timothy and I just kept on going....I'm in the Peter letters now. I love the Peter letters-they are ones that I treasured and loved to read when I was a brand new baby believer. It's been really awesome to find my special verses again. Also, God has been using the word to do some "tough love" on me. It hasn't been fun taking a close look at myself and the things of my sin nature but I thank God that He loves me in spite of it and still died for me-to set me free. Thank you God for your amazing love!

Church is awesome. I love the folks there-especially this older lady named Mary. I have taken quite a liking to her and we have great talks. I have made some friends there and I love hanging out with them and playing games. I love work-it's cool. Mom, Maria & Evan will be here soon!!!! They should be arriving in about a week-woohoo!!! I can't wait to tackle them down with kisses and hugs! Evan is so gonna get some lovin' from his auntie! I'll probably spend the last 2 weeks of February in western MA staying with my mom and helping them get settled into their new house. I'm sure I'll get to see Jen, Arnaldo, Roy and Becky too so that'll be cool. I totally see God moving-especially in Roy-I see changes man!

I'm still dreaming big and God is continually taking out His paintbrush and adding more colorful strokes to my life's canvas. I'm sitting back and watching Him create His masterpiece. It's not done yet but boy is it quite an incredible work in progress!

Blessed beyond imagination.....

2007-01-18T19:26:00.000-05:00

My dear sweet Jesus-My Bridegroom, has poured out His adoring love and blessings all over me and bathed me in the lavishness of His righteousness. I can not fully express to Him with accurate words just how much He has done for me-how much I love Him because He first loved me. So I am telling Him with the gaze of my eyes towards His beautiful face. I am telling Him with my tears of joy which I gladly offer to Him. And I am telling Him with the sunrise of my smile.

Thank you Jesus...my sweet Jesus...my Prince.

I am also thanking God for the dear saints who have been praying for me.....who have stood in the gap for me, knees probably calloused, as they have fought for me.....Thank you!!! I love you with all of my heart!!!

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. ~Ephesians 3:14-21

God gave me the job at Harvard-what's more is I believe I was hand-picked for it. There have been so many times in my life that I've gotten frustrated about not knowing what God was doing, but this is one of those times that I'm actually excited about not knowing! Crazy!

I am excited about the works of His hands and how He will unfold the plans that He has for my life right before my very eyes as I wait expectantly and am captivated by His every move.

Happiness-Life is Good!

2007-01-15T21:30:00.000-05:00

I am just so peaceful, happy and content with my life right now. I love being here in MA. Every night I go to bed with complete ease and wake up each morning so peaceful.

"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety." -Psalm 4:8

Actually most mornings I wake up thanking God for this. I thank him a lot for my bed.....well actually it's only partly my bed. I only have a mattress but one of my cousin's friends (who stayed with her before I moved in) left their box spring and mattress here until they can get it. The bed frame is missing a wheel so I can't use it......so I have two mattresses on top of the box spring which is on the floor and it is sooooooo comfortable! I never want to get out of bed! I will be sad when they need their bed back because it has brought me much relief from my lower back pain on my left side. I don't think I've woken up with back pain since I've slept in that bed. Thank you God! I have also not suffered from insomnia since I've been here either. Over the past 2 years I have had a lot of trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, but not anymore. Praise God!

I know that it is from "The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, that guards my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:7

There is so much peace in being in and doing God's will......in obeying him when he asks you to do something-even if it doesn't always seem to make sense to you. It's funny, just this evening someone asked me why I moved (back) here from Florida? My response was, "God." It was an interesting 30 seconds or so after that as they kind of laughed and thought I was joking and said, "God told you to move here?!" Again I said yes and assured them that I wasn't joking.....my cousins smiled and laughed in agreement with me. God is so wild-I love it! I know God called me here and backed his Words up with a Promise. He made this promise to Jacob after Jacob stole his brother Esau's blessing and then fled to Paddan-Aram. The Lord led me to this passage in a very creative way back in April '06 and I have believed him and clung to his Promise for Me.....

“I am the Lord, the God of your grandfather Abraham, and the God of your father, Isaac. The ground you are lying on belongs to you. I am giving it to you and your descendants. Your descendants will be as numerous as the dust of the earth! They will spread out in all directions—to the west and the east, to the north and the south. And all the families of the earth will be blessed through you and your descendants. What’s more, I am with you, and I will protect you wherever you go. One day I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have finished giving you everything I have promised you.” -Genesis 28:13-15

In my reading today I came across another passage of scripture that leapt off of the page and into my heart. I have replaced Abraham's name with my own as I felt the Lord was saying my name. I believe God has called me out by name and set me apart for this:

"And the Lord said, Shall I hide from Sarha [My friend and servant] what I am going to do, Since Sarha shall surely become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed through her and shall bless themselves by her? For I have known (chosen, acknowledged) her [as My own], so that she may teach and command her children and the sons of her house after her to keep the way of the Lord and to do what is just and righteous, so that the Lord may bring Sarha what He has promised her." -Genesis 18:17-19 (Amplified Bible)

I love God so much. He is dear, sweet, thoughtful and faithful. I am in such a good place in my life. I am believing Him for a new job at Harvard-it's looking very good, they are on the last process-a background check. I have been attending a Messianic congregation which I have come to really enjoy. I am learning so much of the Word of God there. It has opened me up in many ways.....helping to free me up in worship. They have started a dance group that teaches traditional Jewish dances which they do during praise & worship. I have always wanted to dance during worship but always felt way too bound up and self-conscious to be free enough to dance. I now feel that I have a significant desire to worship and celebrate God through dance and am really thinking about joining the group. This is huge for me. I am a fun person, don't get me wrong, but I am also way uptight when it comes to things like this....especially when it involves being in public view.

I've also started to open up to other things and really enjoy them. These things may seem trivial to some people but I know myself very well and these things are milestones for me:

1. Ate Indian Cuisine for the 1st time and loved it.
2. Bought AND read an almost 500 page book with my cousin called "Redeeming Love", based on the book of Hosea from which my "life verse" (Hosea 2:19-20) comes from. I encourage everyone to read this book. It is absolutely amazing! I wish I had tons of money so I could buy the book and give it to the whole world. God's redemptive love is mighty, powerful and captivating!
3. Like my cousin's dog & cat to the point where I actually pet, hold and cuddle with them!
4. Learning & playing board games that require thinking and strategy. I have always been more of a Phase 10, Skip Bo, Uno kind of girl so this was a stretch for me. I now like the board games so much that I've gone to bed & woken up thinking about them and asked my cousins and their friends if they want to play more games.
5. Changed my daily food intake to pretty much an all natural and organic diet. Drinking more water. Only had soda once over the course of a month. Cut out fast food. Drinking more tea. On a whole I'm eating healthier and taking better care of my body. I've lost 3 pounds since the start of the year! :-)
6. Asked a lady at church if she'd like some company when I noticed we were both sitting by ourselves in two different rows of seats.....so I went and sat with her.
7. Voluntarily introduced myself to one of my cousin's friends without feeling shy or uncomfortable.
8. Not feeling sad at all about being away from my family when they're going through so much and instead trusting God and remaining joyful in all circumstances.
9. For the most part looking forward to learning & taking the T (subway).
10. Openness to getting out and exploring my new surroundings.
11. Didn't freak out when going out in public places or meeting new people without having done my hair & make-up and dressed "bummy"......and felt beautiful.
12. Being confident, believing in myself and whole-heartedly believing God without doubts, fears or reservations.

I look forward to all the ways the Lord is going to open my heart up to new things. He is freeing me more and more each and every day.

To Sarha who had believed him, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciple. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." -John 8:31-32

Personality Test

2007-01-08T20:04:00.000-05:00

I don't really ever take little online tests or surveys but I decided to do this one just for fun. I must say it is actually pretty accurate about my personality. If you get bored or curious sometime you should take it too.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:
You have medium extroversion.You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."
Conscientiousness:
You have medium conscientiousness.You're generally good at balancing work and play.When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.
Agreeableness:
You have high agreeableness.You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly.Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone.You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance.
Neuroticism:
You have low neuroticism.You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.
Openness to experience:
Your openness to new experiences is medium.You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

Five Factor Personality Test

http://www.blogthings.com/thefivefactorpersonalitytest/

Boston: Take 2

2006-12-28T17:01:00.000-05:00

I am back in Boston (North Quincy) and so happy to be here. I'm also excited about a very good potential job opportunity that I have at Harvard University. I have a 2nd interview on January 5th! During the past four months that I spent back in Orlando I learned so much about myself and the plans that God has for me. I was glad to be able to help my family & my sister and to spend time with her. God has been really close and sweet to my family. We all have experienced Him so much more than ever. Joy truly does come in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

Earlier this year God had confirmed many times my moving to Boston..... but in the midst of everything that was going on: the hard, emotional and not long enough adjustment period in Boston, the severity of my sister's cancer and going back to Orlando to be with my family...... I doubted God-and I doubted Him a lot! I grew distant from Him and was very confused about my life. I didn't know what to believe or even if I wanted to believe anything again. Why get my hopes up? But, I knew God loved me and that I was His child. I knew God had put a call on my life regardless if I knew exactly what that was or not. I chose to believe Him and take Him at His word. I had to believe Him. So, I spent 4 months wrestling with God and would not let go of Him until He blessed me. (Genesis 32:26)

It's so cool, God has brought back old verses that He's used to speak to me before when I've been faced with making big life changing decisions. He's also spoken new words to me and given me an inside view from His perspective. I'd like to share some of His words here.

God spoke:
"Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God." (Luke 9:60)

I replied:
"Okay Lord, I hear you. I will go."

God spoke:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." (James 1:2-8)

I replied:
"I don't want to be a wave Lord. I want to be a rock!"

God spoke:
"Then the Lord said, “You feel sorry about the plant, though you did nothing to put it there. It came quickly and died quickly. But Nineveh (Boston) has more than 120,000 people living in spiritual darkness, not to mention all the animals. Shouldn’t I feel sorry for such a great city?” (Jonah 4:10-11)

I replied:
"Here am I, send me!"

I have learned to stop and let the Lord speak to me. To listen attentively to Him and then respond.

Merry Christmas-Our Savior is Born!!!

2006-12-24T23:14:00.000-05:00

Isaiah 9:1-7 (NIV)

To Us a Child Is Born:

Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress. In the past he humbled the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the future he will honor Galilee of the Gentiles, by the way of the sea, along the Jordan-

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned. You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as men rejoice when dividing the plunder. For as in the day of Midian's defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor. Every warrior's boot used in battle and every garment rolled in blood will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire.

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this.

Luke 2:1-20 (NIV)

The Birth of Jesus:

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

The Shepherds and the Angels:

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests." When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about." So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.

When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

I'm a silly monkey...

2006-12-12T15:48:00.000-05:00

How can I hear God when I fill my ears with other voices?

How can I see God when I don't cast my eyes toward His gaze?

How can I speak to Him when my lips drip with foulness?

I was talking to my cousin today about my horrible attitude and the ugliness of my heart lately. She asked me if I had been going to church. My reply was No. She asked me if I had been going to small group. Again my reply was No.

She then said, "Sarha, you are starving yourself. You're not even eating little scraps from under the table?"

Wow, she is right. I haven't even been spending much (if any) time in God's Word lately. I was doing really well with that when Maria was having her treatments Mon-Fri. I would stay in the waiting room or out in the car and read my bible and pray everyday. I was on a good schedule. Now Maria is on a break from treatments and I have let go of the habit I built.

I have no excuses really. I have all the time in the world and I still don't sit down at the feet of Jesus. I need to get back into it again. I felt so much better and God always had a Word for me. I also need to get over whatever past issues I had with church and just go. There are people there that love me and speak wholesome truth into my life. I need to get with other believers regularly, whether that's in a small group or one on one with someone. I need fellowship, community and prayer to survive. I know this!!!

Thanks for being patient with me God!

There's a worm in my apple: I gotta get him out!

2006-12-12T00:07:00.000-05:00

I have had a really rotten attitude lately and it is getting on my nerves...literally. My mood has been horrendous. I have been miserable and negative and have not been the most pleasant person to be around. To be honest, I have been a beast.

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you..... Psalm 73:21-22

My heart is grieved with many things: my sister's cancer, added responsibility of caretaking and helping my family, not being in Boston, trying not to lose sight of my dreams, telling myself to hold tight to them and feeling like God has forgotten me and failed to step into action.

I know that God IS bigger than my heartache, doubt, fears, ugliness and utter beastliness. Even when I lay around in my smelly trash heap attitude, He still loves me. I can't flee from His love.

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever..... Psalm 73:23-26

I'm also starting to wake up and remember that I have a great Enemy who loves when I am vulnerable and hurting..... and hopes that just maybe I might leave a door open for him to get in.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith..... 1 Peter 5:8-9

I need to stand my ground and cling to God, remembering that He is bigger than my enemy. Jesus is my Advocate and fights on my behalf. And the enemy better watch out 'cause his Victor is coming!

For thus says the LORD of hosts, "After glory He has sent me against the nations which plunder you, for he who touches you, touches the apple of His eye. "For behold, I will raise My hand over them so that they will be plunder for their slaves. Then you will know that the LORD Almighty has sent Me..... Zechariah 2:8-9

Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes. Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings from the wicked who assail me, from my mortal enemies who surround me..... Psalm 17:7-9

In a desert land he found me, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded me and cared for me; he guarded me as the apple of his eye,
like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions.

Deuteronomy 32:10-11

I love God's Word. It speaks for itself.

Things I'm feeling... in no particular order.

2006-12-09T22:28:00.000-05:00

Anticipating God's goodness & blessings.

Stripped & Empty: Where has the joy and fire gone?
Surrendering: My body is crushed under the weight of my burdens.....so I unclentch my fists, lift my cares up to you oh Lord and by your grace alone I choose to leave them in your hands.
Hopeless & Forgotten: I need God to lift my head.
Desperate & Depleted: Please God, restore to me the joy of my salvation!

Please speak to me again sweet Jesus.

I want to feel your breath as you whisper secrets in my ear.

I want to feel your heart beat as you hold me.

I can't live a day without you.

Please revive me with your touch and breathe your life into me again.

I don't understand God right now.

2006-12-09T00:51:00.000-05:00

Tonight I went to my old job's Christmas party. I was glad to be there and see people that I've missed. But, it ended up being a pretty weepy night for me. I cried a lot as people asked about my sister....even cried on a friends chest as she hugged me and another friend held my hand. I felt other emotions during the party too. Like I had been quickly forgotten about after having spent nearly 4 years working alongside these people. I cared about and loved those people very much. There are really only a very small few who have kept up with me and really seem to care.

One thought that passed through my mind a lot was "Wow, this room full of people know what my family and I have been going through and I never even once received a card or anything from the office." I just feel that I gave so much to this organization and I don't even feel that they care. I'm still weeping and wish God would just fix all of this. Please God just heal my sister. Restore her life. Patch our family back up again. I don't understand God. I know he's sovereign. I know he's just. I'm not mad at him but I just don't know what to think. I wish he'd break his silence.

Some pictures that make me smile...

2006-12-07T18:26:00.000-05:00

Evan & Isabella at Thanksgiving: Life at the kiddie table

Evan loves helping Grandma decorate, especially for Christmas

Mom and her girls at Thanksgiving: Me, Laura, Mom, Sondra and Maria

I love Batman!!!

Who you lookin' at?

Pressing On

2006-11-09T14:48:00.000-05:00

Well, I feel like I've been trudging through the mud for the past few months and it's caked on me pretty good. Even though things have been really hard I'm pressing on and moving forward, cracking off the clay as I go. My family situation has been weighing on me a lot. We have had one challenge after another. There are a lot of responsibilities that have been distributed amongst us and it is tiring.

I have also been confused about my life. Since I have been back in Orlando I've been crying out to God and really seeking Him for answers. I very much want to be in Massachusetts. I still believe that God prepared and sent me there. While I was there I did have a very hard time. I was very sad, scared and lonely. But, I didn't have enough time to adjust through all of that. I was only in Boston for just under one month. Due to my fears I did want to go back to Orlando, then my sister got sick and I was back.

Could I have stayed in Boston? Sure. But you see my family is very close. We stick together through thick and thin. I don't really feel like it was an option for me to stay in Boston with Maria being sick. For me that would be like turning my back on my family. So I am here and I'm now staying with Maria and my nephew Evan and Maria is doing really well.

I've wrestled with God so much while I've been here. I have reflected a lot on this past year and the things that God has taken me through and spoken to me. When I got back to Orlando I was going through a whirlwind of emotions and did communicate to people that I felt that the whole move was a mistake and that I was glad to be back in Orlando. I even said to my family that I didn't want to go back to Boston. But since I've been here Boston hasn't left my heart. This makes me think of a story that a missionary friend of mine (who is from the Ukraine but ministering in Poland) told me a couple years ago. He compared his heart for Poland and the Ukraine to a sailor who "When he's out to sea he misses the land and when he's on land he misses the sea."

I wonder if I am only supposed to be back here to help Maria while she is going through her treatments. I also wonder a lot if my family and friends think that I am double-minded and keep going back and forth about Massachusetts. Then I just get frustrated and think that I care way too much about what others do or do not think about me. My ultimate goal is to please God and I want to know His thoughts.

So my days pretty much consist of helping my sister by taking her to appointments, running errands, helping her with Evan and anything else she needs. I had a job interview a few weeks ago but I was not selected for the position. I'm not really sad about that at all. I told God going into it that if it was where I was supposed to be then I would be there. Plus, if I were working full time right now it would be more challenging for my sister to get to appointments and such. If it is God's will for me to start working, even if it's part time then it'll happen.

One thing that has been pretty cool is that I am on a good bible reading schedule. Mon-Fri while I wait for Maria to come out of her treatment I read the bible, pray, worship and journal. I really do see more clearly now how God's word is truly my lifeline. I wanted to share some scriptures that have helped me throughout this challenging time.

Proverbs 19:20-21 (NIV)
Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Lord, truly my hearts desire is for your purpose to prevail.

2 Peter 1:5-8 (NLT)
In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God's promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Lord, I seek after all those good things. I see how you are helping me to grow.

1 Peter 1:6-7 (NLT)
So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-although your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

Father, although the testing hurts please continue to refine me and mold me into who I truly am. Increase my faith and make me stronger. I know you are a good Daddy.

James 3:17-18 (NLT)
But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.

God, thank you that your word is the Truth! Thank you that I can count on you all the time. Thank you that the word that goes out from your mouth does not return to you empty, but will accomplish what you desire and achieve the purpose for which you sent it. (Isaiah 55:11 NIV)

I am encouraged by these verses and am holding onto them as I try my best to be still and patiently wait for God to show me what's next.

Not much to say...

2006-10-14T17:47:00.000-04:00

Hello. :-) I don't really have much to write about. I am kind of just existing. This all feels sort of like a dream. I really want God to heal my sister. The family is hanging in there. Dad got some family medical leave for ten days and people from Laura's work donated some of their time off to her so that she could be out of work and spend more time together as a family. Kayla turned 13 and we just had her birthday party today. I started going to a Lifegroup that I really like. I know that no matter what happens or how I feel on any given day....that I NEED to be in community and fellowship with other believers. The body of Christ is a lifeline for me. I don't know where my life is headed right now. There's no pressure on me but I'd really like to get a good glimpse of something.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring......I just hope it's something good.

Coming Around

2006-09-28T15:46:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm finding that with time things get better. I am doing a lot better than I was in my last post. Regret, mistake, loser and failure have left the building. They were just some pretty negative words that needed to come crashing down......and they did. I'm coming around. I've started applying for jobs.....hopefully in a ministry again. I want to make an eternal difference. The family is doing good. I love them so much but living with them has its challenges. I'm thinking that staying with them for now is OK....maybe for a few months......but I'm longing for some good ole Christian roommate fellowship. I am really excited about a verse I read yesterday that just totally reaffirmed me.

Ephesians 4:1 (NLT)

Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God.

Man, this is so good! I want to lead a life worthy of my calling. I've always wanted that! I have started praying about this more......beseeching God.....asking Him what my calling is. And even though I don't really think I know right now.....that's OK. Just a few months ago I was angry with God and finally unveiled some junk that was in my heart to Him. I was angry because I felt that I didn't have a purpose......I didn't know what it was.....and I felt that God wasn't showing me. I'm not angry with Him anymore and I am really OK with not knowing right now because the second part of that verse says, 'For you HAVE been called by God.' Those words jumped right out of the bible and into my mind, heart and spirit.

I'm greatly comforted and assured knowing that I have been called by God!

I am coming alive again.

Thoughts and Feelings

2006-09-16T16:22:00.000-04:00

First off I'd like to say that my sister Maria is doing awesome. She is in great hands with God and her doctor. Everything has just been amazing with her. She has had 2 brain surgeries and a radiation treatment so far and she isn't in any pain and hasn't really complained at all. I am seriously so amazed and really awed by God in how He is clearly watching over and taking such good care of her. She has been covered head to toe in the prayers of so many people who love her and by those who have only heard about her but are committed to praying for her and my family. I am just thrilled!!!

I have had much to think about since I've been home in Orlando. You know, being alone with your thoughts for a long time isn't necessarily a good thing......at least in my case. I wish my mind would just rest all ready. I have really been struggling with feeling embarrassed and like a failure........like I've really messed up my life. I've been pretty confused and restless. Everyday that I spent in MA was hard. I would wake up each day feeling like I had made a huge mistake. I tried to work through it....looked for jobs...went on some interviews.......asked God to help me like Boston......but it really didn't get better. I honestly did want to go home and I really wondered if God really sent me to Boston. I started praying and asking God about going home......and then I got the news about my sister.......and then I was home.

So I wrestle with my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to go home but I didn't want her sickness to be my "out". I am happy to be home though.....glad to be able to help my sister and my family. It's been nice to see some of my friends again too. One of my friends said that he was "really impressed at how the Lord had prepared and sent me back to Orlando for such a time as this" and that "I'm not sure why the Lord had you go to Boston except to free you up from things here locally so that you'd be in a better position to serve your family"....... and went on to say that "It's evident that you are the spiritual anchor for Maria and your family". I do not see myself as a spiritual anchor but I do have a relationship with God and I'm trying to walk with Him daily.

I am struggling with deep regret. I regret leaving my job at GCM and moving to Boston. I know that I felt so sure about Boston and everyone was so excited and I believed at one point that God did send me there. Sometimes I get really excited about things and I want to run with it.....but maybe it wasn't the right time.....maybe I was only supposed to go for the length of time I was there.....maybe God wanted to break me away from everything familiar in order to break through some fears and prepare me for something else.....who knows. God knows that I want the Boston church plant to happen but maybe I'm not supposed to actually be a part of it...like actually living there. Maybe my role was just to let the church plant team know how I've been praying for it to happen and to get them on board and excited about it....maybe I was just supposed to be a point person for them. Maybe I'm just supposed to support them in prayer.

One thing that has really encouraged me is that I had the courage to leave Orlando. I went through a long process and allowed God to work in my life and break through fears and moved in spite of my fears of the unknown. That takes a lot!!!!! A friend told me that like 95% (or something like that) of the people in this world don't make any changes or try things because of fear and that I am so courageous because I still went and didn't cower in that fear. So here I am back home. I'm glad to be here to help support my family. I'm starting over again but that's OK. I'm in a good place right now and things could've been much worse.

I really need to count my blessings. The Lord has never abandoned me. I would love to go back to work for GCM if they have anything available but we'll see what happens. I am going back to church and small group and I'll probably be checking out a lifegroup soon. I really need Christian community and satan would just love for me to sit in depression and convince me that people think that I failed and are disappointed with me. That's a big load of crap and I know it.

One thing that I've been really impressed with are two verses that God is reminding me of......

2 Cor 2:12-16
Now when I went to Troas to preach the gospel of Christ and found that the Lord had opened a door for me, I still had no peace of mind, because I did not find my brother Titus there. So I said good-bye to them and went on to Macedonia. But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life.

Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

God opened up a door for Paul to go to Troas and he went but had no peace of mind because he couldn't find his brother Titus. So he left and went to Macedonia. But even though he left the place that God had opened a door for him to go.......God STILL led him in triumphal procession in Christ!!! Even in Macedonia God used him to spread everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of God and to be the aroma to Christ. I also see that no matter what happens....whatever circumstance I'm in....God always has my back....He always has my best interest in hand.....He will ALWAYS work it out for my good. Why? BECAUSE HE LOVES ME! There doesn't have to be any other reason than that. He loves me. There is nothing too big or hard for Him. There's nothing that He can't handle. He is a mighty God and I don't have to be a big woop-dee-doo person for Him or do some amazing thing for Him. He just wants me.....just as I am and right where I'm at.

That is freeing.

My sister Maria

2006-09-07T13:04:00.000-04:00

Thank you all for your prayers, love and support. Maria had her 2nd surgery on Wed which will enable more fluid to drain from her brain. The surgery went very well and Maria told my mom that she actually felt better that day then she did the previous day. It was determined that Maria does have cancer and it is in the 4th stage. It looks like she's had it for about 5 months but they are glad they caught it now. It also looks like the cancer is contained and not attached to anything. As far as we know Maria will be able to come home from the hospital this Friday. Then she will be scheduled for 1 radiation treatment followed by 4 weeks (1 time per week) of chemo. After that they will test her and see where everything is at.

We are all feeling very positive, her doctor, our family and Maria. Her doctor specializes in this field and is very positive and hopeful for Maria. Please continue to pray for God's healing and that He would use this to draw Maria and our whole family closer to Him. Please pray for me too, I have been feeling really weak in my faith and spiritually numb lately. I have been distracted and haven't gotten time with God like I should. I know that I am no good to myself or anyone else without God active in my daily life. Please pray for a big change in my heart and for God to show me what's truly important and vital. Thank you!

Quick update on Maria

2006-09-02T11:26:00.000-04:00

Maria is looking good. A biopsy was done yesterday but the tumor on top of her head is so embedded that they can't get to it. This morning she went in for another CAT scan but I haven't heard anything yet today. Maria does have a tube literally in her brain draining fluid out. When I saw her last night she looked good and was even cracking some jokes. She naturally does not want to be in the hospital and is getting depressed. I'll let you know more as news comes in. Thank you all for your prayers. God bless you!

My Sister....and Coming Home

2006-08-30T11:39:00.000-04:00

My sister Maria has been in the hospital this week. She first was complaining of severe headaches and would see her Dr. about that and they would just give her more pain meds. It finally got so bad that she brought herself to the emergency room. It was there that the Drs. discovered that she had swelling of the brain and fluid on her brain. She was then flown by helicopter to Florida hospital where she is in ICU. They did a spinal tap yesterday to drain fluid. My mom called me this morning to tell me that today they found lesions on her brain. They have to do surgery this Friday. My mom told me that Maria said she really wants me to come home and that she needs my support and help especially during her recovery. Please pray for my sister and my family. My mom has been taking care of my nephew and I think she's trying to be strong for everyone. This morning she bought plane tickets for me and my cousin Cindy to go to Orlando. At this point I don't know what my future plans are......to eventually go back to MA or to stay in FL. Please pray for my sister's healing, comfort for my family and for discernment for me.

God is with us.

Getting Better Each Day...

2006-08-23T23:15:00.000-04:00

Hello World :-)

Here's a quick update from my last post. I was really down and at a very low point when I last wrote. Things really do get better each day. Today I had my first job interview and I think it went OK. It's for a development Assistant-Gift Processing position at Tufts-New England Medical Center in China Town. A lot of the job description looks similar to what I did at GCM except for the development stuff but I am very teachable and will learn it. I go back on Friday to meet with the hiring manager so we'll see what happens. I'm still going through a bit of doubt, confusion, fear and insecurity and I wish I would just feel normal already. I haven't been connecting with God as much as I'd like. I really want that to change and hope it does soon.

I've been sensing this week that I don't have to force myself through things......for example it is OK for me to grieve right now. I mean c'mon.....I literally left the life that I knew in Orlando....my family, friends, job, church, car, furniture......everything. I left all the comforts of home and it is OK, good and normal for me to grieve that loss. Also I'm seeing that I don't have to instantly zap myself into happy and excited mode. I seriously have to tell myself to just take things one day at a time. God is with me and loves me and will not abandon me. I was reminded the other day of one thing that I had been saying months before moving to MA......"God would not lead me somewhere and then tell me to fend for myself!" I'm glad that popped into my head again. I had forgotten about that.

The Truth is awesome.

Frustrated!

2006-08-17T13:22:00.000-04:00

I am really frustrated and just want to throw in the towel on this whole Boston thing. I am sick of feeling discouraged and conflicted. I really need God to speak to me. I need Him alone to tell me why I am here and if He really sent me here. I am confused. This week is better than last week in that I didn't cry the whole time. I just don't know what's real and what's not right now. I don't know if I can even trust my own emotions. All I want to do right now is pack up and go back home to Orlando. This just isn't what I thought it would be. I don't know if I made a mistake or if this is natural or what. I feel like I left the best thing possible in Orlando and for what? What did I do this for? I felt so completely confident earlier this year about this whole move. I believe God spoke to me in some huge ways. I go back through my journal entries this year and I know God was working and moving in my life. I felt so sure about Boston. Now I am not so sure. I don't know what to be sure about. I am really frustrated and discouraged and God is truly to only one I can cling to. I mean I have my cousin here and I can talk to my family & friends on the phone.....but it's not the same. I desperately need God to help me here. I kind of feel like this is a test....where I put into practice everything I've learned and believe about God.......and even though I know (head knowledge) that God is going to take care of me and is powerful and will work everything out........I feel so weak and afraid. So as of today I just want to go back home and find a job there. I'd have the support of my family & friends and I would just plain ole be back home.

I need God alone to tell me what to do.

My First Week

2006-08-14T20:15:00.000-04:00

Well today marks my first week in Boston. Here's a quick recap. It was a hard and emotional first week........I cried a lot and missed my family in Orlando greatly.......I don't know where anything is.......and it is so different here. Things got better over the weekend. I got a lot of encouragement from my friends Jen and Roy. I overcame a huge fear.....something that any other person might see as pretty silly but for me it was a huge victory.......I took the T (subway) for the first time and I was by myself. I am feeling a lot better today...... I wasn't sad at all. Today I posted my resume and started looking for jobs. I am growing more confident in believing that I will have even more victories here and will continue to overcome fears. God will see to that, he will not stop until I am completely VICTORIOUS.

HE IS FOR ME!!!

New Home

2006-08-08T19:14:00.000-04:00

I got here to Boston safely yesterday around 1pm. We made excellent time. It was really good having 3 drivers. Today I went around with Melissa......ran errands, went to Ikea to get furniture for my room, woohoo.........and then we went to her work. Now we are home just chilling out. We'll probably put some of the stuff together for my room. I don't have much to write today. I just wanted to give a quick little update. I will say that so far it just feels like I have just come for a visit. The weather is beautiful and I am really enjoying my new home. The place is really nice. I need to keep reminding myself that I need to take life one day at a time and to 'not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present my requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.'

Yup, now the sadness has definitely hit me.....

2006-08-06T11:15:00.000-04:00

I am really sad this morning. It hit me last night that I am moving and won't have my friends here.............I won't have my family...............Why am I moving from my family????? I am leaving in a few hours and my friends are packing the car as we speak. Tears, tears, tears....this hurts. :-( My heart and mind is conflicted with knowing that this is right and that I need to do this and with this horrendous sorrow.

I've been praying that God will really be my best friend in this time.

It's not hitting me yet........

2006-08-02T23:34:00.000-04:00

I just got off the phone a little while ago with my friend Roy. He's all packed, Jen's packed, her dad will pick up her kids tomorrow at 5am, she'll go to work with Roy, he'll hopefully be done by noon, then they'll start their long drive down to Orlando.

I can't believe it's already here. My departure is so close.

My last day of work was technically Monday but we ran into quite a few kinks so I stayed another day. I thought that it would be hard leaving work yesterday but it wasn't at all. There were no teary goodbye's or anything like that. It just felt like I was leaving for the day. Should it have been different? Maybe people just don't like to say goodbye. Although, this has been quite a long leaving process for me, so maybe people feel like I've been leaving for a long time now and they've had a lot of time to adjust.

Today I went back to the office to meet some friends to go out for lunch in honor of Caroline's birthday. While I was there I handed in my office keys to Jeff. I thought that would feel weird but that didn't either! Tonight I went to my women's small group for the last time and when I left that didn't feel weird.

So, I don't think it's hitting me yet that I am moving. I've had goodbye parties and had my last hang out times with friends and I haven't been emotional at all. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it'll help me to really enjoy my time with my family and friends without being a blubbering mess.

Tomorrow morning I'll say farewell to my car and sell it to Miss Autumn. :-) I've had many awesome exploring/prayer drives with the Lord in that car. Man did I give Him an earfull. I'm so glad that He listens.......moreover that He actually delights in listening to me. That's incredible! :-) I am soooooooooooooooo excited to see Jen and Roy!!!! I can't wait!!!! They rock. I'm looking forward to them meeting my friends here in Orlando. It's going to be good! :-)

Moving and Missing

2006-07-30T00:45:00.000-04:00

Today I moved out of my apt. and into my parents house. I'll be staying here for a little over a week before the big move. I am really excited about Jen & Roy coming down from MA. to pick me up and take me to Boston. They are going to be here for a few days so they can have a mini vacation. I am stoked about spending time with them. I never even asked them to drive all the way down to Florida to get me.......they just volunteered and were excited to do it. Man, my friends rock! :-) This will be my first long distance road trip, woohoo!

About a week ago the GCM office had a goodbye/appreciation party for myself and 2 other people who are moving on from the office. It was a great time and I felt really special. It was kind of strange hearing people go around the room saying all these great things about me and how they are going to miss me so much. I mean don't get me wrong, I appreciated their hearts and everything they said, it was cool.........but part of me thought, "Wow, is that really me they're talking about?!?" God has really done a huge work in my life and I have grown so much over the years. I am truly blessed an honored to have worked for such an outstanding organization who is passionate about serving God and supporting missionaries in reaching the nations for Christ.

Monday is my last day at the office but I don't think it's really hit me yet. Maybe it won't until I turn in my keys. Next week will be my last week in Orlando......last time with my family.......last time with my friends. You know, it's not really going to be my last time with them. I know I will see them again, especially my family......I plan on flying down to be with them as often as I can. I am really going to miss everyone. I am going to especially miss the babies-Evan & Isabella, my parents and sisters, my friends, the beach, walking through Leu Gardens, favorite hang out spots, etc. It will be a big adjustment but I will be fine.

Every time I think about the missing and longing and the challenges of moving to a new place and excitement of a new adventure......a line from a Rita Springer song pops into my head and plays over and over again and it gives me 'peace that surpasses all understanding that guards my heart and mind in Christ Jesus' and causes me to 'be still and know that God is God'. It says.......'This is good, this is God......' Just a simple statement, only 6 words....but they comfort my heart so well.

You know for months now I couldn't bear the thought of missing so much. My heart and spirit felt so crushed and I was so tired of being sad. So there were several times when I thought that I would just decide to stay here because everything would stay the same and I would be comfortable and I wouldn't have to be sad and say goodbye. I know that I can't do that. I trust my heart in this. I know that if I chose to stay it would feel as if I were going against myself and God. I don't know what the future holds or what tomorrow will bring and that's OK. However, I do know that God is with me everyday, every waking moment of my life. He will never leave me. I feel like I am a wimp with trusting God lately but I am still trusting Him. He promised to give me a hope and a future.

He always keeps His promises!

God WANTS to bless me because He LOVES me!!!

2006-07-26T17:38:00.000-04:00

I have to testify about God's goodness. I can not contain it! He just keeps completely amazing me. So, for the past couple of weeks or so I have been struggling. I've struggled with not believing the truth about myself and who God and others say I am. I've been feeling so insecure, weak and that I don't have anything great to offer anyone, especially God. I have chosen to let worry and fear constantly creep in instead of faith, excitement, joy and expectation.

Just a couple weeks ago I was talking on the phone with my cousin and cried hysterically.......freaking out because of all the unknowns involved with moving to MA. I also dug deeper into my heart and found something that was burried pretty deep. I uncovered that I was upset with God because I felt like I had no purpose and that He hadn't told me yet what my purpose in His big plan was.

My cousin said something to me that I just couldn't believe for myself. She said, "What if He doesn't want to tell you yet? What if He just doesn't want you to do anything right now and just wants to bless you? Her questions just didn't compute in my brain and my response was this...."That is just absurd! Why would He just want to bless me? I haven't done anything for Him to bless me!"

Well, yesterday something absolutely amazing happened to me. God gave me a double blessing, literally! I received a huge financial blessing from an awesome couple AND a friend bought my car that I needed to sell before moving.

I want to give you a little background on this couple. They have very generously sponsored me for my mission trips for the last 3 years. They are a couple who just had a heart to help send me on these mission trips and they didn't even know me. Well, a couple of weeks ago I finally got to meet this couple whom I affectionately call my "support angels". It was an awesome experience for me getting to know them. I was so humbled and honored that they thought I was amazing and such an encouragement to them. The whole time I kept thinking that they were the ones who were so amazing and a huge blessing and encouragement to my life.

I received a card from them yesterday that said the following....

"We really enjoyed our recent opportunity to meet with you! It was great to meet you and spend some time getting to know you better. You encouraged us greatly. We wish you every blessing as you continue to be obedient and follow Christ's calling.........We send this check in hopes it will help you meet the expenses associated with your move and re-location. ~Blessings".

And inside the card was a check for $1000.00!!!!!!!!!

GOD IS SO AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am blown away by their hearts and generous spirits. That gift in and of itself was awesome but what was even more awesome was that I knew this gift came right from the Hand of God. You see I do have some significant financial needs that I often pray to God about. There have been several times that as I prayed through my needs this couple has popped into my head. My response back to myself and to God was pretty much this.....

"I'm not asking them for money! Are you crazy! Who does that! That is way too much to ask and not even right of me to do!!!"

Once again I have to say it, GOD IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!! This couple has no idea what I prayed or how they would pop into my head. When I met them I never asked them for money. I don't even think I communicated any of my needs. My honest and sincere desire was just to meet them and thank them for blessing my life so much.

So, God spoke something very clearly to me. He said "I just want to bless you because I want to bless you. I just want to love you because I love you. You don't have to work for my love."

He spoke right into that unbelief that was deep in my heart. I didn't do anything special for this couple to bless me generously. I am sure that they just did it because they wanted to. It made me think about how Jesus didn't save me because of anything that I did. I didn't earn my salvation. It was a free gift. He died for me because He loved me! He took my place on the cross because he wanted me to spend eternity with Him. He went that far for me, even to death, because of His great unending love for me!!!

He will go great lengths to love you!

Lies and Truths

2006-07-22T02:05:00.000-04:00

So, I have been thinking about and feeling all sorts of things lately. Right now my eyes were just filled up with tears as I read some blogs of people I know. I shake my head as I process my thoughts........I need to be closer to God.......that person is close to God....wow, can I experience God like they do?..........I am a loser and a failure in my pursuit of God............I don't read the bible enough........those people must read it every day, every waking hour, every chance they get.......they must discipline themselves to read the Word.........they must love God so much more than I do..........If I truly loved God then I would get in the Word every day.......I must force myself........I won't hear from God otherwise...........how do I expect to hear from God if I'm not constantly reading the Bible............God won't speak to me, answer me or acknowledge me if I don't do a better job of making time for Him............and on and on the thoughts go.

So, are they all lies? I'm sure that's the case.....but I think there is some truth in there too. I am just frustrated. Is my devotional life currently where I would like it to be? No. Am I hard at work to improve my discipline and energy to fight the good fight? Not too much. I get lazy. I get discouraged. Sometimes I unfortunately choose to believe that I am not worth the effort. So I keep running yet another lap. I run through my checklist only to find out that I didn't quite make it today. Everyone else has run the race much faster than me and with far more love and devotion. Sometimes I feel like I am a slow runner or that I am just running in place. So, I just need to do more, right?!

I know that I can get caught up in this web of lies but the web is so sticky.....it's so hard to get out of sometimes. I am unraveling it.....sometimes slower than others but it's unraveling. I am starting again to believe the things that God thinks of me....great things....precious things. I am believing Him and taking Him at His word. I am choosing to believe the awesome things that others say about me. I am believing that I am worth the effort. I am believing that God did not just create me for nothing. I have a wonderful purpose and He is unveiling it to me day by day. You know what? Every single person on this planet is on their own journey. We all have our own things to work through. I am grateful to God that He is working on them with me. He is ultimately in control. I am a very honest struggler AND a mighty warrior in my walk with God. I am real with Him and I do not hide from Him. It's not easy.........but it's good!

Italy Update #2

2006-07-12T17:41:00.000-04:00

I wanted to give a quick update from my last post about Italy. Just within the past couple of weeks I have received very encouraging news. One woman named Maria from my beginner's class has been meeting with Pastor Frank and his wife Pam. She is asking a lot of questions and has been reading her bible. Her children, 2 of which also came to the English Clubs, have been coming to the church. Pray for their salvation! Two other students have started coming to church too. And just today I received word from the pastor that since our trip to Torino, 4 people have accepted Christ! God is awesome. I am so thankful for His hands that reach down and save us. AMEN!

Walking Blind and Letting Go of My Vice Grip!!!

2006-07-06T17:47:00.000-04:00

I am so desperate and needy. I am so out of control. I am so helpless. So many people in my life say that this is the best place for me to be in my life. They say it's good for me. They say that this is where God wants me. I feel like I am walking blind. Trusting God for me is like walking blind. He asked me to come walk with Him and I have followed. He didn't tell me where He would lead me when I gave my life over to Jesus. He just asked me to follow Him. With all of my heart I want to follow God. Wherever He goes I want to follow in His footsteps. I want to hold His hand and walk with Him.

But God is going everywhere. God is going to the nations. He is beckoning and drawing people to Himself. How can I possibly go everywhere with Him? And yet I want to go to the nations. I want to stand in heaven one day with people from all tribes and nations standing together praising Our Creator God! I am so overwhelmed when I see that picture in my head. It will be amazing. It breaks my heart when I think about how many people there are in this world and the astounding number that don't know Jesus Christ. I don't want people to perish. God doesn't want anyone to perish. He desires for all men to come to Him.

For over three years I have prayed, cried and sought the Lord about my future. This has been a huge process and I have learned so much, been stretched like a rubber band and grown so much through it. I am moving to Boston in August. I truly believe this is a direct answer to prayer. I believe that God indeed is sending me. I have mostly been very excited about this. But as each day draws closer to my departure......I FREAK OUT!!!!!! Trust.......Trust.....TRUST!!!! I can not deny that this is God. If you could crawl into the pages of my journals over the years you would see just how specifically He has answered prayers about my future and moving back to MA. And yet I shouldn't be surprised.......this is God's nature.....He is so awesome!!!

I know He is going ahead of me and preparing the way for my arrival. I know He is going to take care of me and provide for all of my needs....now and when I get there. I know that my life is in His hands and that he can be trusted with everything. But it is so hard for me to not have control. I am the type of person who plans things so thoroughly and way in advance. I like knowing exactly what is going to happen so I can be extremely well prepared. I am very detail oriented and function better with a lot of structure. Well....... I DON'T HAVE ANY OF THAT RIGHT NOW!!!!!! I am moving to Boston without a job lined up. I have no idea what type of job I want. I have dreams of being in ministry but there are so many things that I'm either good at or would love to grow in.....and it is so hard to try to just narrow it down to one particular area of ministry. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up......and I AM grown up. Oh Boy! :-)

My biggest hurdle is fear. I know that God is with me and I have been praying like crazy for Him to increase my faith and to help me to trust Him completely. I know that God wants to bless me and to bless others through me. I know He wants to use me. I am choosing to let go of the vice grip that I have on my life and surrender the control over to Him. This is so hard!!!!!! I know that I could just chicken out and stay here....which has been tempting.......but everything in me.....that little tiny itsy bitsy piece of courage says that I am supposed to go and I can't deny it. I can't turn back now.

So, with the little speck of courage and faith that I can muster up right now........

I say YES! I HEAR YOU GOD! I AM COMING!

Some of my favorite pictures from Italy

2006-07-03T13:48:00.000-04:00

Steve, Sarah and Myself being silly
Beginner English Class
This represents crying out against prejudice
I got to sing a song I wrote about my relationship with God at our Texas Cowboys party Me at a beautiful park

Italy Update

2006-06-25T12:20:00.000-04:00

Ok-this is probably about the 10th time I have attempted to post an update with pictures and something keeps happening and the post gets lost. So, this probably is a much different update than I originally had and I will work on putting more up throughout the week. I spent the week helping teach a beginner level English Club. I wouldn't say that I love teaching English........it actually stirs up my insecurities. I struggled most of the week feeling very weak and inadequate and that I wasn't doing enough. I really had to battle satan's lies. I am so glad that God uses weak people and that His power is made perfect in weakness.

The smiles on the students faces made it so worth it. They were so humble. Aida, who is 12 years old was especially eager and excited to learn English. Elia was so hungry for new words. We had an outreach party one night and I pretty much spent the entire evening talking with him and teaching him new words. He doesn't think that he does a good job but he does so well and is a quick learner.

Elia encouraged our team so much. He got saved a month ago and is already growing so much in his faith. He has such a hunger for God's word and wants to read it all night long. He desires to put God above everything in his life. When I got back home to the States I was so encouraged to receive an e-mail from him with a video of his baptism. This was bittersweet for me........I was so happy for him but also sad that Jenni & I weren't there to witness it. We could only stay for a week and the rest of the team was there for 2 weeks.

God always does a bigger work in my life than the work that I go there to do. He really worked on my relationship with Him and the importance of spending time with Him everyday and being in His Word. Not only is the Bible His love letter to us but it is spiritual food and weaponry. We are truly useless if we are not getting in the Word. I felt this pressure for days that I was only there for a week and I had to share the gospel with someone and that when I get home people are going to want to hear stories and I better have a good one for them. That was a big lie from satan and it took a while for me to squash it.

You know what.......I didn't get to shared the gospel or my testimony.............but what I did do was share my smile......my laughter.....my warm spirit........I got to meet a need in their lives. I went and did just what God sent me to do. I taught English to the Italians that were hungry to learn. I encouraged them and the staff in our church there. I got to hug them and talk with them. I did exactly what God sent me to do.

Pastor Frank often shared with us that what we were doing was so important and significant. He would say that we may not see results of people being saved right away. It's a process and can sometimes take years. It's about building relationships. One girl named Carmen who is part of the church there now told us about how she went to English Clubs and it wasn't until a year or so after that she got saved. It reminded me how one person sows the seed and another one comes along and waters the seed......and then another comes along and reaps it. I thank God that He is the Lord of the harvest and that He sees fit to use little ole me to help carry the message of the gospel and the love of Jesus Christ.....what an honor!!!

My eyes were opened up so much on this trip. I was so overwhelmed with the thought of how many people there are in this world and how many of them don't know Jesus Christ. I was overwhelmed with the great need for more workers in God's harvest and the reality of how few there really are. I pray and ask God to send out more workers into His harvest and that I will never lose passion for missions. I also saw my heart more clearly in that it isn't just for one specific people group.....it is for all people. I pray that all nations come to know Him.

AMEN!!!

New Friends

2006-06-23T23:55:00.000-04:00

Paul-Romania
Elia-Italy
Maria-Romania
Aida (Paul's sister)-Romania
Alessandro-Italy

Italy Bound!

2006-06-09T12:41:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I leave for my short term mission trip to Torino, Italy. I am so excited about our team. Jenni (pictured above with me) and I who work in the GCM office and two girls from Missouri are going with a team from Texas. Some of our team will be doing English Club outreach and some will be doing Muslim outreach. I am excited to be doing English Club outreach. Jenni & I are partners and we will be teaching Beginners. I have never taught beginners before on past mission trips but I've had many cool times just hanging out and talking with beginners during free time. I love them! My heart melts for them! I feel like I have a natural ability to slow things down for them, patience in listening and understanding them and I just plain ole love to encourage them.

I think this trip will be good for me in a lot of ways. One way in particular is that this will be the first time in 3 years that I will not be returning to Poland. I love Poland so much and have had such awesome experiences there and been so blessed by God on my mission trips there. I had prayed for 3 years about moving to Poland to be a missionary but this year the Lord told me that it's not in my long term plans. I grieved that for a while and I am really OK with it now. God has given me great peace about it and has also opened up some pretty huge doors to other great things in my life.

When the opportunity came about to go to Italy, I was really struck with this thought that was so overwhelming......... "You know what, God loves us so much and desires for people everywhere, of all nations, tribes and tongues to have a relationship with Himself through His son Jesus Christ." I want that to be so fresh in my mind every single day for as long as I live. Jesus is the Living Hope. I have that Living Hope in my life. I want to share this with others. I can no longer possibly even imagine living this life without God. I am so glad He came to save me. I am so glad He came to love me and set me free.

Here are some facts about the city of Torino:
* Torino is the fourth largest city in Italy with its population nearing 2.2 million, of which 94,000 are students at the University of Torino.
* Although Italy has a rich Christian history, sadly many Italians have abandoned their country’s foundational Christian roots. For many Italians, the Bible has become obsolete and irrelevant.
* Cults and occultism have engulfed their society, making Torino the second largest center for occult activities in the entire world.
* By trying to fill their spiritual void with materialism and sensuality, many Italian families have been severely damaged or completely torn apart.

I am thrilled to have the opportunity to go and be a light to Italian students who:
* Are agnostics or atheists and disillusioned with organized religion.
* Come from dysfunctional families where parents provide little moral or emotional guidance.
* Are convinced truth is relative.
* Believe friendships are important, but rarely experience close relationships.

Over the years I have asked God to help me to love people more like Jesus loved them. Although I am a very loving person, I realize how hard it is for me to love like Jesus loved. His love for us took Him to the cross where He took our rightful place and bore our sins upon Himself and died so that we might have life eternally with the Father. This was His greatest act of love. I want people everywhere to know how much God loves them. “Anyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. But how can they call on him to save them unless they believe in him? And how can they believe in him if they have never heard about him? And how can they hear about him unless someone tells them? And how will anyone go and tell them without being sent?” (Romans 10:13-15)

Please join me in praying that God would be preparing the hearts of those in Italy that we’ll encounter, that their ears would be open to hearing the Word of God and their eyes would see Jesus-The Way, The Truth and The Life! One thing that I am specifically praying for is that God would bring some girls my way that are very broken. I have such a heart for broken people whose lives have been ravaged by numerous things, whether it be by abuse, addictions, loss, etc. I have experienced God's miraculous love, healing, forgiveness, hope and restoration in my own life and would love to share with them that Jesus loves them and hears them. His heart and my heart breaks for them. I want them to know that just as Jesus restored and redeemed my life that He can do the same for them.

Please pray for our whole team, for fun and sucessful English Clubs and Muslim outreach, team unity, that we would be an encouragement to the missionaries laboring in Torino, safe travel and good health, awesome connecting times with students, boldness in sharing the gospel, salvations and that God would do a mighty work in us and through us. One thing that I am praying for myself is that God would accomplish in me whatever He wants to accomplish. I am praying that He does something new in my life and renews me.

I pray that His will be done, Amen!

Family Reunion

2006-06-04T17:25:00.000-04:00

I went up to Massachusetts over Memorial Day weekend for a family reunion on my mom's side and to visit some friends. It was a really good yet short visit. It was cool to see so many relatives, many of which I didn't know and had never seen before. I was amazed at how many people in my family are either musicians, singers or both. So I think I get my musical sense from both my mom's & dad's family. Music and singing is just in my blood. You know I had hyped up this trip a lot and really prayed for opportunities to share my life and the gospel with my family and friends. And you know...none of that happened...there wasn't even any real spiritual conversations.

One really cool thing was that my cousin Rainelle (Melissa's mom) looked really good and happy. I commented on how good she looked and she said that "It must be my new boyfriend, Jesus." :-) That was so cool to hear. She got saved just a few months ago. So....I was thinking that it's OK that nothing spiritually big happened on my visit.....things like that aren't always going to happen and that's OK...it's building. I had a great time in Boston with Mike & Melissa and seeing where I'll be living.....I felt like I got more clarity on things.....Melissa and I had a good time with Jen and her kids and with Roy. Building is good......there's nothing wrong with building....you have to start somewhere.

Some pictures from my Family Reunion in Massachusetts

2006-06-01T20:24:00.000-04:00

My niece Mercedes with cousin Jessica

My cousin Melissa with our friend Roy
My mom with Aunt Gail
My cousin Rainelle, my mom and my cousin Melanie
My friend Jen and her daughter Madison

The Blessing of Unexpectedness

2006-05-24T15:03:00.000-04:00

The pictures below are from my nephew Evan's 2nd birthday party this past March. My mom had family in town visiting from Massachusetts. It was really cool for me to get to hang out with them. I especially enjoyed talks with my cousin Cindy......about God...our family....etc. It was awesome to go to church together. I am very glad that she was so blessed and touched by God while she was here.

I also got to hang out with my Uncle Jerry and his wife Barbara whom I haven't seen in many years. It was nice hearing Jerry greet me with "There's my little Indian girl." He has called me that since I was a little girl. I was happy that my Aunt Gail came too. She was sick most of the time but I hope in a lot of ways the visit was good for her. She lost her daughter Dee Dee (who was also like her best friend) to cancer a couple years ago.

So on the day of Evan's birthday party....Cindy & I had just got home from church and got into this really great talk with my mom and Aunt Gail about church, God, the Bible and the importance of them all. Cindy was so touched by God that morning and was so overjoyed and cried a lot to my mom, encouraging her to go sometime. What really tugged hard on my heart was the need for really good churches back home and Cindy's clear need and desire for one.

So as we were talking my mom checked a voice mail message that she received. She got off the phone and said to me, "That was Goy and Tony, they are here in Orlando and said that they would like to see us." I was blown away and couldn't believe it. Here is some background for you. Tony is one of my uncle's on my dad's side (Caraballo's) and Goy is his son. The last time I saw my father was when I was 10 and then he died when I was 13. I have not had a relationship with the Caraballo's pretty much since then. The last time I saw them was at my dad's funeral.

For many years I have had the desire to know them....know more about the Caraballo family history...know more about my dad....about being half Puerto Rican, etc. This desire grew much stronger after I came to know Jesus Christ. I know that my identity is found in Christ but there has been a part of my earthly identity that I feel has been missing for too many years. I wanted to find that missing part of myself and I really wanted them to know how much God loves them and desires to have a relationship with them.

So back in 2003 I searched for them online and found some names and addresses and got together with my family here in Orlando and we got in contact with my Aunt Nery. I did arrange two meetings with them that unfortunately fell though.....and 2 years ago I just gave it to God and prayed that if they wanted a relationship with us that they would pursue us. I felt that I couldn't do anything else other than that.

So of all times and of all days, when we had family visiting from MA and we were all gathered to celebrate my nephew's birthday........they came.......Tony and Goy came. It was like a scene from a movie. There was so much joy, surprise, clearing up misunderstandings, talking, dancing, laughing, sharing........LOVE! They seemed to be so attentive to me.....kept looking at me and touching my face, telling me how beautiful I was and how much I looked like Grandmother Megalina, whom I never knew, she died before I was born.

It was an incredible time but not long enough. I will treasure that visit. God gave me that. It was totally unexpected and it was such a blessing. God is so good and sweet and loving. He is so HONORING! God has opened up this door to the Caraballo's. I am so happy. I pray that He continues to open up the hearts of my family and friends and continues to grow my heart in the process.

Family Photos

2006-05-23T19:24:00.000-04:00

Me & my Uncle Tony..... It's crazy how much we look alike. My sisters kept calling us twins! :-)A picture of my family at my nephew Evan's 2nd birthday party this past March. Below are my parents, Stan & Rhonda, 3 sisters, Maria, Sondra & Laura, My niece and nephew, Evan & Isabella, My Aunt Gail & Cousin Cindy, My Uncle Tony & Cousin Jose "Goy" & His Uncle Nelson
My Uncle Tony dancing with my niece Mercedes
My sister Laura dancing with Uncle Tony
Tony dancing with Isabella and Laura dancing with Evan

Radiant

2006-05-17T18:11:00.000-04:00

Exodus 34:29 (NIV)

When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the Testimony in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the LORD.

This verse really struck me today. It's interesting....I was going to write about how I now have "graylights" in my hair. You know how some people put highlights in their hair, like blonde or red. Well, since I have newly discovered that I have a patch of gray hair, I'd like to say that I have graylights. :-) So I wonder....what do people do when they get gray hair? I guess one option would be to color my hair but I have never really liked coloring my hair. I like it just how it is. And then I thought.... You know what....I have earned those graylights...that took a lot of time and work. :-)

Then a picture of Moses popped into my head. I thought of how when he came down Mount Sinai his hair was a dazzling gleaming white. Out of curiosity I looked up the verse above and then realized that it wasn't his hair that was gleaming....it was his face. I think I had the movie version in my head. :-) At any rate, I was amazed by what the verse said. Wow....Moses' face was Radiant from speaking with the LORD!

Hmm, when was the last time my face was radiant because I had been speaking with the Lord?

Father God~ I pray that I make the choice every day to sit in your presence and let your love penetrate my heart. Help me to push every hindrance aside, every distraction, every false god, and may I feast with the King~Jesus, My Savior, My Redeemer, My Lover, the one who rescued me from the pit, the one who has washed me clean and has given me a new name.

I want to be radiant! Do you?

I will bless you.....and you will be a blessing!

2006-05-15T17:50:00.000-04:00

Well, here I am. I have wanted to start a blog for quite some time now. I hope to be able to communicate from my heart here.......freshly and honestly. It is my desire to share some of my thoughts and dreams.......and to invite you to take a glimpse into my life's journey. I am all about being real and don't like to sugar-coat anything. I hope that as you read through these posts- you laugh, cry, shout, rejoice, contemplate, wonder, engage, and become more aware of the awesomeness of your creator, God. I am sure that a lot of what will probably get posted on here will be excerpts from my journal. It is a great memorial of all that God has done and is continuing to do in and through my life. He has used it to speak into others lives so many times. I pray that just as in Genesis 12:2.....that not only would God bless me, but that I would be a blessing to your life as well.