I have also been confused about my life. Since I have been back in Orlando I've been crying out to God and really seeking Him for answers. I very much want to be in Massachusetts. I still believe that God prepared and sent me there. While I was there I did have a very hard time. I was very sad, scared and lonely. But, I didn't have enough time to adjust through all of that. I was only in Boston for just under one month. Due to my fears I did want to go back to Orlando, then my sister got sick and I was back.
Could I have stayed in Boston? Sure. But you see my family is very close. We stick together through thick and thin. I don't really feel like it was an option for me to stay in Boston with Maria being sick. For me that would be like turning my back on my family. So I am here and I'm now staying with Maria and my nephew Evan and Maria is doing really well.
I've wrestled with God so much while I've been here. I have reflected a lot on this past year and the things that God has taken me through and spoken to me. When I got back to Orlando I was going through a whirlwind of emotions and did communicate to people that I felt that the whole move was a mistake and that I was glad to be back in Orlando. I even said to my family that I didn't want to go back to Boston. But since I've been here Boston hasn't left my heart. This makes me think of a story that a missionary friend of mine (who is from the Ukraine but ministering in Poland) told me a couple years ago. He compared his heart for Poland and the Ukraine to a sailor who "When he's out to sea he misses the land and when he's on land he misses the sea."
I wonder if I am only supposed to be back here to help Maria while she is going through her treatments. I also wonder a lot if my family and friends think that I am double-minded and keep going back and forth about Massachusetts. Then I just get frustrated and think that I care way too much about what others do or do not think about me. My ultimate goal is to please God and I want to know His thoughts.
So my days pretty much consist of helping my sister by taking her to appointments, running errands, helping her with Evan and anything else she needs. I had a job interview a few weeks ago but I was not selected for the position. I'm not really sad about that at all. I told God going into it that if it was where I was supposed to be then I would be there. Plus, if I were working full time right now it would be more challenging for my sister to get to appointments and such. If it is God's will for me to start working, even if it's part time then it'll happen.
One thing that has been pretty cool is that I am on a good bible reading schedule. Mon-Fri while I wait for Maria to come out of her treatment I read the bible, pray, worship and journal. I really do see more clearly now how God's word is truly my lifeline. I wanted to share some scriptures that have helped me throughout this challenging time.
Proverbs 19:20-21 (NIV)
Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
Lord, truly my hearts desire is for your purpose to prevail.
2 Peter 1:5-8 (NLT)
In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God's promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Lord, I seek after all those good things. I see how you are helping me to grow.
1 Peter 1:6-7 (NLT)
So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-although your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
Father, although the testing hurts please continue to refine me and mold me into who I truly am. Increase my faith and make me stronger. I know you are a good Daddy.
James 3:17-18 (NLT)
But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.
God, thank you that your word is the Truth! Thank you that I can count on you all the time. Thank you that the word that goes out from your mouth does not return to you empty, but will accomplish what you desire and achieve the purpose for which you sent it. (Isaiah 55:11 NIV)
I am encouraged by these verses and am holding onto them as I try my best to be still and patiently wait for God to show me what's next.
