Moving and Missing

Today I moved out of my apt. and into my parents house. I'll be staying here for a little over a week before the big move. I am really excited about Jen & Roy coming down from MA. to pick me up and take me to Boston. They are going to be here for a few days so they can have a mini vacation. I am stoked about spending time with them. I never even asked them to drive all the way down to Florida to get me.......they just volunteered and were excited to do it. Man, my friends rock! :-) This will be my first long distance road trip, woohoo!

About a week ago the GCM office had a goodbye/appreciation party for myself and 2 other people who are moving on from the office. It was a great time and I felt really special. It was kind of strange hearing people go around the room saying all these great things about me and how they are going to miss me so much. I mean don't get me wrong, I appreciated their hearts and everything they said, it was cool.........but part of me thought, "Wow, is that really me they're talking about?!?" God has really done a huge work in my life and I have grown so much over the years. I am truly blessed an honored to have worked for such an outstanding organization who is passionate about serving God and supporting missionaries in reaching the nations for Christ.

Monday is my last day at the office but I don't think it's really hit me yet. Maybe it won't until I turn in my keys. Next week will be my last week in Orlando......last time with my family.......last time with my friends. You know, it's not really going to be my last time with them. I know I will see them again, especially my family......I plan on flying down to be with them as often as I can. I am really going to miss everyone. I am going to especially miss the babies-Evan & Isabella, my parents and sisters, my friends, the beach, walking through Leu Gardens, favorite hang out spots, etc. It will be a big adjustment but I will be fine.

Every time I think about the missing and longing and the challenges of moving to a new place and excitement of a new adventure......a line from a Rita Springer song pops into my head and plays over and over again and it gives me 'peace that surpasses all understanding that guards my heart and mind in Christ Jesus' and causes me to 'be still and know that God is God'. It says.......'This is good, this is God......' Just a simple statement, only 6 words....but they comfort my heart so well.

You know for months now I couldn't bear the thought of missing so much. My heart and spirit felt so crushed and I was so tired of being sad. So there were several times when I thought that I would just decide to stay here because everything would stay the same and I would be comfortable and I wouldn't have to be sad and say goodbye. I know that I can't do that. I trust my heart in this. I know that if I chose to stay it would feel as if I were going against myself and God. I don't know what the future holds or what tomorrow will bring and that's OK. However, I do know that God is with me everyday, every waking moment of my life. He will never leave me. I feel like I am a wimp with trusting God lately but I am still trusting Him. He promised to give me a hope and a future.

He always keeps His promises!

God WANTS to bless me because He LOVES me!!!

I have to testify about God's goodness. I can not contain it! He just keeps completely amazing me. So, for the past couple of weeks or so I have been struggling. I've struggled with not believing the truth about myself and who God and others say I am. I've been feeling so insecure, weak and that I don't have anything great to offer anyone, especially God. I have chosen to let worry and fear constantly creep in instead of faith, excitement, joy and expectation.

Just a couple weeks ago I was talking on the phone with my cousin and cried hysterically.......freaking out because of all the unknowns involved with moving to MA. I also dug deeper into my heart and found something that was burried pretty deep. I uncovered that I was upset with God because I felt like I had no purpose and that He hadn't told me yet what my purpose in His big plan was.

My cousin said something to me that I just couldn't believe for myself. She said, "What if He doesn't want to tell you yet? What if He just doesn't want you to do anything right now and just wants to bless you? Her questions just didn't compute in my brain and my response was this...."That is just absurd! Why would He just want to bless me? I haven't done anything for Him to bless me!"

Well, yesterday something absolutely amazing happened to me. God gave me a double blessing, literally! I received a huge financial blessing from an awesome couple AND a friend bought my car that I needed to sell before moving.

I want to give you a little background on this couple. They have very generously sponsored me for my mission trips for the last 3 years. They are a couple who just had a heart to help send me on these mission trips and they didn't even know me. Well, a couple of weeks ago I finally got to meet this couple whom I affectionately call my "support angels". It was an awesome experience for me getting to know them. I was so humbled and honored that they thought I was amazing and such an encouragement to them. The whole time I kept thinking that they were the ones who were so amazing and a huge blessing and encouragement to my life.

I received a card from them yesterday that said the following....

"We really enjoyed our recent opportunity to meet with you! It was great to meet you and spend some time getting to know you better. You encouraged us greatly. We wish you every blessing as you continue to be obedient and follow Christ's calling.........We send this check in hopes it will help you meet the expenses associated with your move and re-location. ~Blessings".

And inside the card was a check for $1000.00!!!!!!!!!

GOD IS SO AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am blown away by their hearts and generous spirits. That gift in and of itself was awesome but what was even more awesome was that I knew this gift came right from the Hand of God. You see I do have some significant financial needs that I often pray to God about. There have been several times that as I prayed through my needs this couple has popped into my head. My response back to myself and to God was pretty much this.....

"I'm not asking them for money! Are you crazy! Who does that! That is way too much to ask and not even right of me to do!!!"

Once again I have to say it, GOD IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!! This couple has no idea what I prayed or how they would pop into my head. When I met them I never asked them for money. I don't even think I communicated any of my needs. My honest and sincere desire was just to meet them and thank them for blessing my life so much.

So, God spoke something very clearly to me. He said "I just want to bless you because I want to bless you. I just want to love you because I love you. You don't have to work for my love."

He spoke right into that unbelief that was deep in my heart. I didn't do anything special for this couple to bless me generously. I am sure that they just did it because they wanted to. It made me think about how Jesus didn't save me because of anything that I did. I didn't earn my salvation. It was a free gift. He died for me because He loved me! He took my place on the cross because he wanted me to spend eternity with Him. He went that far for me, even to death, because of His great unending love for me!!!

He will go great lengths to love you!

Lies and Truths

So, I have been thinking about and feeling all sorts of things lately. Right now my eyes were just filled up with tears as I read some blogs of people I know. I shake my head as I process my thoughts........I need to be closer to God.......that person is close to God....wow, can I experience God like they do?..........I am a loser and a failure in my pursuit of God............I don't read the bible enough........those people must read it every day, every waking hour, every chance they get.......they must discipline themselves to read the Word.........they must love God so much more than I do..........If I truly loved God then I would get in the Word every day.......I must force myself........I won't hear from God otherwise...........how do I expect to hear from God if I'm not constantly reading the Bible............God won't speak to me, answer me or acknowledge me if I don't do a better job of making time for Him............and on and on the thoughts go.

So, are they all lies? I'm sure that's the case.....but I think there is some truth in there too. I am just frustrated. Is my devotional life currently where I would like it to be? No. Am I hard at work to improve my discipline and energy to fight the good fight? Not too much. I get lazy. I get discouraged. Sometimes I unfortunately choose to believe that I am not worth the effort. So I keep running yet another lap. I run through my checklist only to find out that I didn't quite make it today. Everyone else has run the race much faster than me and with far more love and devotion. Sometimes I feel like I am a slow runner or that I am just running in place. So, I just need to do more, right?!

I know that I can get caught up in this web of lies but the web is so sticky.....it's so hard to get out of sometimes. I am unraveling it.....sometimes slower than others but it's unraveling. I am starting again to believe the things that God thinks of me....great things....precious things. I am believing Him and taking Him at His word. I am choosing to believe the awesome things that others say about me. I am believing that I am worth the effort. I am believing that God did not just create me for nothing. I have a wonderful purpose and He is unveiling it to me day by day. You know what? Every single person on this planet is on their own journey. We all have our own things to work through. I am grateful to God that He is working on them with me. He is ultimately in control. I am a very honest struggler AND a mighty warrior in my walk with God. I am real with Him and I do not hide from Him. It's not easy.........but it's good!

Italy Update #2

I wanted to give a quick update from my last post about Italy. Just within the past couple of weeks I have received very encouraging news. One woman named Maria from my beginner's class has been meeting with Pastor Frank and his wife Pam. She is asking a lot of questions and has been reading her bible. Her children, 2 of which also came to the English Clubs, have been coming to the church. Pray for their salvation! Two other students have started coming to church too. And just today I received word from the pastor that since our trip to Torino, 4 people have accepted Christ! God is awesome. I am so thankful for His hands that reach down and save us. AMEN!

Walking Blind and Letting Go of My Vice Grip!!!

I am so desperate and needy. I am so out of control. I am so helpless. So many people in my life say that this is the best place for me to be in my life. They say it's good for me. They say that this is where God wants me. I feel like I am walking blind. Trusting God for me is like walking blind. He asked me to come walk with Him and I have followed. He didn't tell me where He would lead me when I gave my life over to Jesus. He just asked me to follow Him. With all of my heart I want to follow God. Wherever He goes I want to follow in His footsteps. I want to hold His hand and walk with Him.

But God is going everywhere. God is going to the nations. He is beckoning and drawing people to Himself. How can I possibly go everywhere with Him? And yet I want to go to the nations. I want to stand in heaven one day with people from all tribes and nations standing together praising Our Creator God! I am so overwhelmed when I see that picture in my head. It will be amazing. It breaks my heart when I think about how many people there are in this world and the astounding number that don't know Jesus Christ. I don't want people to perish. God doesn't want anyone to perish. He desires for all men to come to Him.

For over three years I have prayed, cried and sought the Lord about my future. This has been a huge process and I have learned so much, been stretched like a rubber band and grown so much through it. I am moving to Boston in August. I truly believe this is a direct answer to prayer. I believe that God indeed is sending me. I have mostly been very excited about this. But as each day draws closer to my departure......I FREAK OUT!!!!!! Trust.......Trust.....TRUST!!!! I can not deny that this is God. If you could crawl into the pages of my journals over the years you would see just how specifically He has answered prayers about my future and moving back to MA. And yet I shouldn't be surprised.......this is God's nature.....He is so awesome!!!

I know He is going ahead of me and preparing the way for my arrival. I know He is going to take care of me and provide for all of my needs....now and when I get there. I know that my life is in His hands and that he can be trusted with everything. But it is so hard for me to not have control. I am the type of person who plans things so thoroughly and way in advance. I like knowing exactly what is going to happen so I can be extremely well prepared. I am very detail oriented and function better with a lot of structure. Well....... I DON'T HAVE ANY OF THAT RIGHT NOW!!!!!! I am moving to Boston without a job lined up. I have no idea what type of job I want. I have dreams of being in ministry but there are so many things that I'm either good at or would love to grow in.....and it is so hard to try to just narrow it down to one particular area of ministry. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up......and I AM grown up. Oh Boy! :-)

My biggest hurdle is fear. I know that God is with me and I have been praying like crazy for Him to increase my faith and to help me to trust Him completely. I know that God wants to bless me and to bless others through me. I know He wants to use me. I am choosing to let go of the vice grip that I have on my life and surrender the control over to Him. This is so hard!!!!!! I know that I could just chicken out and stay here....which has been tempting.......but everything in me.....that little tiny itsy bitsy piece of courage says that I am supposed to go and I can't deny it. I can't turn back now.

So, with the little speck of courage and faith that I can muster up right now........

I say YES! I HEAR YOU GOD! I AM COMING!

Some of my favorite pictures from Italy

Steve, Sarah and Myself being silly
Beginner English Class
This represents crying out against prejudice
I got to sing a song I wrote about my relationship with God at our Texas Cowboys party Me at a beautiful park